Shhh, that’s just msmith537 getting into your head.
First of all, know that you’re doing good already. These kids will remember you and thank you immensely, sooner than you think. You can tell them you’re stable and honest, but by this point they’ve probably heard so many lies they aren’t liable to believe you. Better to let your actions do the talking.
Make sure the kids are getting some therapy, too. Group session if money’s a problem. Have dinner with them a few nights a week - everyone sitting down at the dinner table is going to be a huge thing. Teenagers open up at the dinner table; don’t allow texting, etc. How are your parents going ot feed them, is your grandmother cooking at her age? Otherwise would those premade meals or those frozen mean-in-a-bag concoctions, at least temporarily?
Any form of stability or routine is a good thing now. Take them to a park or a museum or even to the library (ha!) to have them check out books or DVD’s over the weekend. Redbox works, too. If your parents are older, they may not have a DVD player - could you pick one up cheap at Target or somesuch? The kids are going to be unwinding from years and years of stress and dysfunction - something as simple as watching a movie is going to do wonders for them. Remember, they’re coming from huge mental trauma right now. Perhaps you should have them over for dinner at your house - the kids will really benefit from seeing a happy, functional spousal relationship.
I was very involved with my younger brothers when my parents went off the deep end a few years ago and legally separated and were preparing for divorce. They’ve since reconciled, but I’ve never seen such selfishness and obnoxiousness in my life. Any kind of stability from an outside source is good. These things worked on my little brothers at the time.
Are they each going to have their own rooms? Fresh sheets, towels, etc laid out for them, maybe their own 13" tv’s. A desk and empty dresser too. Routines, space, support, space to unwind.
My mom, their grandma - she’s 69 but very healthy and she cooks just fine, only she isn’t used to cooking for five or six people all the time! And of course she’s been cooking for just two older people who know what they like for ages and they eat out a lot - won’t be able to afford that now, I guess. Plus the middle boy eats like a horse - it’s something to watch, like getting the chance to see an Olympic athlete do their thing. I’m going to have to help out with food, I think, only of course I work all week and some weekends. Freezer and crockpot FTW, I think.
I made sure they brought the game consoles with them. My parents have a huge TV and DVD player and a billion channels of cable and all, so that’s not a problem, and all the bedrooms have TVs. They do have their own rooms, much nicer than what they had at home, and each room has a bookshelf and all. My parents want them doing their homework downstairs and no computers in their rooms (otherwise they’ll be shut up in them all the time) but I think it’s going to be too noisy and distracting to get their work done - we’ll have to see how it goes. They’ve got two computers set up in the living room for them.
I spent a whole day hauling all my stuff out of the upstairs of my parents’ house so there would be clean dressers and closets for them - I think it’s super-important for them not to feel like they’re living in somebody’s guest room. My mom still needs to move all the crap books out of those bookshelves and all of my dad’s old clothes out of the closets, but the dressers are clear at least. Once they’ve settled in a bit I’m going to take them individually to get some posters and all to decorate. (I don’t even know where young people buy these things these days, but I guess they’ll know. What, Spencer’s? Those weird little kiosks at big box stores? Wait for the university to have that big poster sale day? Art.com?)
I’m trying to get my house cleaned up so I can have them over more often, as a “safe place away from Oldpeopleistan”, but my boyfriend is a little worried that we’re about to be giving up our lives totally and also that he might be expected to put some pants on every so often. Of course he wouldn’t want me not to participate with them, but he’s afraid that our lives will take a detour into suck and I understand that. I really need to work out a way to spend one on one time with them and, er, not make it clear how annoyed I am by the girl at all times. (I know, I suck. To be fair, you’d be annoyed by her too.)
Yeah, that’s true. I have to say he’s been super-sweet through this whole thing - boy has been emptying the dishwasher, an event I feel I should have commemorated with a plate from the Franklin Mint or something.
Teenagers are perfectly capable of learning to cook meals occasionally – heck, they probably had to fend for themself fairly often before this.
They may need to be taught how to cook more than opening cans or warming up frozen pizza, but that’s something they will need to learn eventually, anyway. Make a deal that at least one night a week, they cook for the family. Could be them together, or just one at a time, taking turns. Depends on how well they can work together.
You and/or grandma will probably have to help a bit at first, at least in choosing recipes and advising how to prepare them. But there’s a lot of simple meals that they can do: spaghetti, garlic bread & a salad; crockpot stews or soups; casseroles, etc. May take a bit to get this started, but it’s worth it. They will get a lot of self-esteem out of providing the meal for everyone. Plus it’s a useful skill to learn.
P.S. Being teenagers, they may be likely to make disparaging remarks about the meal cooked by their siblings. The proper response is “tomorrow, you will cook dinner, and show us all how much better it will be.” Then follow through. That will discourage any teenage sniping at their siblings.
Cooking is one of those awesome life skills that will save their health and wallet both when they first move out on their own. I wouldn’t suggest making it a requirement right away but despite all the talk about dinner being the time for communication, cooking and driving are when I had the best conversations with my kids. Apparently the ability to gesture with a vegetable knife was key to them opening up
Try checking out the cookbook section when you’re at the library with them and find out if there is something they’re interested in learning to cook.
I know I’m always touting it, but there are some very easy recipes over at the Mumper’s Recipes blog (unlinkable at work, sorry).
Middlebro is the only one of us who lived in an apartment while in college, and the few simple things he could cook were huge hits. Apparently, most 18 year olds can’t even read the instructions on a bag of penne, cook the appropiate amount for the proper time, drain and add Ragú: one who was able to whip the sauce from canned tomatoes, oil, salt and garlic was the local equivalent of Epicurus.
I can’t believe that didn’t occur to me at all. I keep thinking of them as younger than they are, I guess - I suppose I’m getting old. I used to change their diapers, after all.
ETA - I’ve always found driving to be when you can get stuff out of kids, myself. I think it’s because you can’t look at them.
And teenage grumblings about the quality of food the grandparents or you prepare. Also even though they won’t admitt it, fixing a good meal and hearing the rest of the family compliment them on it will give them a pleasureable sense of accomplishment. Chances are their dad has done a lot to trample on them (a lot of you losers would be dead or suffering without me comments have probably occurred). IMHO having been there and done that a few times too many with taking in kids, teaching them they are capable of surviving on their own is the best medicine.
Yeah, that’s true. I have to say he’s been super-sweet through this whole thing - boy has been emptying the dishwasher, an event I feel I should have commemorated with a plate from the Franklin Mint or something.
Get back to me when he makes dinner. I want the SO version that makes dinner.