I lived in Baltimore for a number of years and the neighborhood got taken over by drug dealers.
I already had a reputation for being a crazy white bitch and most of them stayed out of my way, but every now and then a new one would come around and didn’t know who to avoid - I had a lot of crazy neighbors, people you really did NOT want to mess with.
One night I was coming home around 2am and some new guy jumped out in front of me, trying to block the road and make me stop. I did my usual, put in the clutch and hit the gas, he ran for the curb. I pulled into my driveway and parked and he was standing there watching me. Normally I’d just go on in the house,but I was in a mood and so my mouth took over.
I said look, I’ve told you mfer’s I don’t want what you are selling so stay the fuck out of my way and leave me alone.
He said some shit back, I said some shit, then he says
Yeah, but all you white bitches want our big black dicks.
I said, you’re right, I do want your big black dick.
He got the biggest smile on his face and he took a step closer to me and I said,
I can add it to the jar of formaldehyde with all the other dicks I’ve collected.
Who knew anybody could run that fast?
So later that day, the woman across the street comes over and says she is so surprised I haven’t been shot yet.
I said what you mean? She says she heard what I had said last night and it made her laugh so hard she fell out of her chair. Then she says she didn’t know anybody could run that fast. So we laughed a little about it and talked about some other things.
Then she lowers her voice and very quietly and seriously said, You really don’t have a jar full of dicks in your house, do you?
I’m thinking, you are seriously asking me that question?
So, I said no, I don’t have a jar full of dicks
She looks relieved
and then I said, Why would I keep them in a jar when I have five hungry dogs to feed?
Some people are just too easy.