Great! Congrats!
Dude!
Don’t flatter yourself, six inches is way too much.
Eh, my wife and I met in person for the first time on Dec 18 and got engaged Feb. 19. We recently celebrated our 15th anniversary.
We had been emailing and then talking via phone for a month before that, but we were living in different cities and got engaged after only two months during which we were together only about six times. It can happen.
Two words of advice: ** Slow Down**
Of course it can happen.
But Rik needs to remember that he can enjoy the feeling of infatuation with this person and enjoy being with her and still realize that he doesn’t yet know her very well. Lots of people have dealbreakers in the closet that you won’t stumble over until you’ve rummaged around in there a bit.
Not that you should be looking for dealbreakers, exactly. Just that if a dealbreaker jumps out of the closet and starts grabbing you by the neck and squeezing you shouldn’t just ignore it. And that a dealbreaker that make marriage and/or shared finances and/or cohabitation and/or coparenting unwise doesn’t mean you can’t have a romantic relationship. You can enjoy people for what they are able to give, not what you wish they could give.
I mean, I’m very aware of my wife’s numerous flaws. She’s got lots of em! Want me to start listing them? But I went into our marriage with my eyes open. I knew what I was getting into, and I gladly pay the price of enduring her many, many flaws for the privilege of being with her. I didn’t expect her to turn into a different person, nor do I want her to turn into a different person. And did I mention that I’m not exactly a huge prize myself? So it’s not like I’ve got 99 better prospects waiting on speed dial.
This is not intended to be negative. Just that I love my wife for who she is, not an illusionary fantasy version of her.
At least entertain the idea that is is possible, at some point in the future, you may long for the good old days when you were alone 
Really though, good luck! Hope all goes well.
Being happy is a choice and provided by yourself.
Eyes wide open.
No expectation of change in personality or beliefs or physical habit/preferences from her or you.
When gathering motorcycles and peoples in the clubs front yard for a run, I always told myself I was going to have fun if we never got out of the yard.
And there were times we only made it a mile or three before we were kaput.
Works for marriage expectations too.
Is this the same one you posted for advice on how to spoon with? That you hadn’t had sex with yet?
Hopefully you’ve gotten that far by now.
As a Christian, I’d be more understanding of co-habitation than rushing into marriage.
Now, I can’t vouch for the old biddies in the church, but they’d be more upset that you were getting physical than if you had the same address. I mean, wouldn’t they rather you were chaste but saving on rent versus paying for two apartments and frolicing like bunnies?
But can those old biddies really get you fired? if not, are you being too afraid of what others think?
Take your time. No matter what they think… and that’s advice from a bona fide Assistant (to the) Minister.
I’m the same age now that my mom was when she met and fell in love with my stepfather. They “knew” almost right away. Early in their marriage there were some … difficulties … but they got through them and have been married 22 years now and having the time of their lives.
I know people that dated for 13 years, got married, lasted a year and split…there is no telling what will work and what won’t. I am happy you are happy and I hope everything works out beautifully.
best wishes!
Do you have a motorcycle?
Congrats!
Yes, but as others have pointed out, this hastiness is dangerous.
Being alone sucks, no doubt, but rushing into a hasty marriage could be worse. If you’ve been alone for so long, waiting a few more months, or a year, for marriage - during which time you’ve already got her companionship, anyway, so not *truly *alone - won’t hurt.
It does sound a bit like a Meg Ryan movie, doesn’t it? But congrats, Rik.
Where’s the Bunghole of WA, anyway?
And now everything goes to hell. Figures.
First, I do love this woman, and want to marry her.
I said to her, right from the start, “Let’s take it slow.” It seems that our definitions of “slow” are quite different. sigh It seems that she was just thinking of “slow” in terms of sex.
My definition of “slow” is, “Whoa, I have been celibate for 20 years, and haven’t been in a relationship in 13 years, and the closest thing I’ve ever had to a ‘long-term relationship’ was a girl I dated for a year and a half when I was in my early 20s, and I screwed that one up. I just need to get used to spending time with a woman!”
Good grief, the bulk of my “social life” since 2003 has been the SDMB, and the occasional foray into my favorite karaoke bar. I’m “old” and “set in my ways”; I have a morning routine, and an after work routine. It is really really really hard to disrupt that routine. But I have made the effort. Michaelle was sick on Sunday, so I spent the entire day just getting caught up on all the current TV shows I’ve neglected over the past several weeks in order to spend my time with her.
Last Friday, she was at my place, and we were drinking beer and I was showing her stupid shit on YouTube. I modeled my best suit for her (it’s a really nice suit), and then we went over to her place and she modeled the wedding dress she has tucked away. We agreed that both garments need tailoring to fit out current figures. Back at my place, without informing me first, she used her phone to locate my mom amongst my Facebook friends, and started messaging my mom. They had a nice conversation. Then, since we needed our wedding clothes altered, she asked and I pointed her to another person on my Friends list … Candace, that 17-years-younger-than-me woman, who is an experienced seamstress and knows a few things about wedding planning (her mom is a professional seamstress, [“seamstress” might sound sexist, but her business name was “Seamstress Mary”] and her main business was wedding gowns and wedding planning).
And then … Candace asked for a date for the wedding.
Keep in mind that both I and Michaelle were mildly intoxicated. I said something about “May, but after my birthday” (I turn 50 on May 17). I remember Michaelle texting “May 30” to Candace. I was speaking “in the hypothetical”, as in just giving time frame. At least … to the best of my recollection.
According to Michaelle, I stated May 30 as a firm date … and the next day it seems that she broadcast that date to all of her family, and apparently some of her out-of-state family immediately made travel plans to be here on that date.
Mind you, on Sunday, at church, Candace came up to me and asked, “Have you told anybody else yet?” and when I answered in the negative, she promised to keep it to herself.
Michaelle has announced the date to her entire family, and I haven’t even told my pastor that I’m getting married and want him to officiate. Why would I? Michaelle came to church with me two weeks in a row, and then has been absent for the following three weeks. All my churchmates saw me with a woman exactly twice, then saw me sitting alone as usual for the next three weeks. If we’re going to get married in my church, I’d kinda like my churchmates to actually have the opportunity to meet her.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, the actual idea is to go to the courthouse and get legally married, so that we can properly move in together, and then have a formal church ceremony down the road for the benefit of friends and family. But dear God, you don’t make these decisions when you’ve been drinking!
Then … she’s not an Internet user. I had to explain to her tonight that spoken conversation is difficult for me. I wasn’t joking when I said that the SDMB has been my social life. Talk at me in person, and there’s no telling how my brain will filter out what’s “important” or “unimportant”. Talk to me via text, and I’m good. When I speak, I say stupid things. When I type … I still say stupid things, but most of the time my stupid things can be blamed on typing while drunk. In spoken conversation, the stupidity remains even when I’m stone-sober. I’ve grown so accustomed to being able to read somebody’s post, contemplate it, and then spend an hour or more composing a response, taking the time to make sure that my response says exactly what I mean it to say. Editing, editing, editing. Hard to edit while talking and the stupid keeps wanting to come out.
I’m also growing concerned that she has a prescription med addiction. Why else would she, after our completely sober, but difficult, conversation tonight, text me to tell me that she was going to be “sick” tomorrow? Advance notice on being sick. Hmm.
Leaving aside the rest, if she suffers from endemetriosis or similar menstrual problems, she could very well predict correctly that she’ll be sick tomorrow. Dont rush to think the worst, okay?
This woman could not possibly throw out more red flags, short of boiling your rabbit. Her behavior is EXTREMELY inappropriate, and her boundaries absolutely non-existent. I would extricate myself carefully and quickly, and thank god that she can’t “accidentally” get pregnant.
If you think a dating, taking it slow, relationship can be salvaged out of this, then feel free to do so. But all discussion of marriage should be off the table.
No kidding!
Six weeks in and already talking marriage? Red flag!
When questioned on hastiness response is, “I’m tired of being alone.” Enormous Red Flag! (I know three people who said these words before jumping into ill advised relationships. All three lived to deeply regret it. If you think nothing’s worse than being alone, you’re in for a life lesson. A painful and expensive life lesson!)
Has already spread the news, picked the day, well ahead of you being fully ready to do so. Red Flag.
No longer attends church with you, (clearly matters to you!) Red Flag.
Woman has had several failed/abusive relationships. But willing to jump right in with you? Red Flag.
You think she may have a drug issue? Huge Red Flag.
You’re a grown man, who’s going to do what he’s going to do. And maybe that means going along, even though you can see the Red Flags, because you’re maybe not sure how to turn the train off the track.
But the Gods throw pebbles before they start pitching bricks, in my opinion. Ignore the pebbles and the bricks will surely follow! You seem like a pretty smart guy, I would encourage you NOT to ignore your own intellect, or willfully ignore signs you’ve already begun to notice.
Being caught off guard, in life, by things we cannot see coming is forgivable. Being undone by things we saw but chose to ignore is a far more painful experience. Move forward with great caution, my friend.
Wishing you Good Luck, cause that’s always a great help!