So She Didn't Kill My Kid This Time...

The BBQ Pit
1

This is an ambivalent rant, and I’m hoping for some feedback.

My Mom has been a real help since the twins were born 13 months ago. She’s driven up from her town dozens of times, putting in lots of time doing the hard work - everything from the cat litter I’ve neglected, to nasty diaper changes & doctor visits. We have a lot of fun on her visits, too, taking the kids places & sometimes going out ourselves. The kids love her. They also respond well when she disciplines them, which is a blessing.

I’ve been surprised at how well things have gone b/c my Mom is mentally ill. She has Borderline Personality Disorder, and she’s never going to be entirely well. She went through a 12-yr period of suicide attempts and hospitalizations, with the last one in 2001. However, she takes her meds and tries to function. Religion helps her. After she was fired from her last job she started pursuing SSI for her disability. She’s smart and funny, but also a little “off”. Sometimes quite a bit “off”. Like, I asked her to bring me a change of clothes when my daughter was in the hospital (for dehydration, not serious). And she brought a week’s worth of outfits, and it took her an hour and a half to get there (it’s 10 minutes away). But I figure, hey, I’d rather a crazy Mom than some of the bitches I’ve heard of. At least she genuinely means well.

On Friday my son was asleep and I was rocking my daughter in the living room, trying to get her to sleep. Mom offered to start picking up toys & I said no, the noise will keep her awake, just let it go. So she went into the kitchen & I couldn’t see what she was doing. Couple of minutes later my sister called, so Mom took the phone into the bedroom.

I laid my daughter in her crib just as my son was waking up (welcome to the world of twins) so I brought him out and gave him a bottle. Then let him walk around, and follow him into the kitchen where I find the contents of my Mom’s purse spread out all over the floor. Including an open bottle of her Effexor (sp?). So I grab everything quickly and take it to her - I thought my cat might’ve knocked it over.

She completes her phone call and apologizes, saying she’d dumped her purse out looking for a CD and had discovered a loose pill, so that’s why the lid was off. I asked Mom if she needed to count them & she assured me that she did not. She was embarrassed & I was sleep deprived & just wanted to take a nap. So she finishes gathering her stuff & goes home as planned, and I crash on the couch, baby boy in his playpen. Two minutes later my daughter’s awake again. I let my son out to play & get ready to fetch his sister, and I look over & my son has something in his mouth & a sneaky look on his face. Oh yes. Moment of horror. He’s found one of Mom’s Effexors and is chewing on it. Like lightning I swiped the pill, rinsed my hand, grab a towel to wipe his face and hands. He walks around a little and throws up twice. I call Poison Control who says 1/3 of a tablet is the danger zone; he’d ingested about 20%.

Fortunately my son is fine, but my trust in my Mom is severely damaged. What was she thinking, dumping her purse on the kitchen floor where the kids roam freely (it’s heavily babyproofed)? She just left it there, luckily I followed my son into the room the first time. And she had loose pills in her purse. And she didn’t double-check the area (which I should have done myself). I’m so lucky that I found my son right after he found the pill, that he chewed on it rather than swallowing it whole, and that I happened to know exactly what it was.

The worst thing is, she wants to come live with us. She’s barely getting by and getting older, and really lacks purpose. Taking care of the kids helps her feel needed. But I don’t think I can trust her. What if she has one of those “duh”
moments when I’m not around? I love my Mom, but my first obligation is to my children. She’ll be devastated when she realizes what she did.

Just noticed there’s no profanity in this thread. You’ll just have to trust me, I was plenty profane when relaying this to my sister & husband. I still haven’t spoken to my Mom. I have no idea what to say.

2

Without using the profanity, explain to your mother exactly what happened. She will probably be scared and horrified herself, but gently tell her that because of this incident “it might not be wise” to have her living with you full time.

Tell her you love her. Be nice. But be firm in letting her know that powerful meds and little kids don’t mix, and that you wouldn’t want an “accident” like that one to happen again.

Where you go from there will be based on how she reacts. Take care, and I’m glad that the boy is okay.

3

I sympathize; my mother also has BPD and is on a number of medications, few of which she bothers to secure when we’re visiting. I end up moving them into the nightstand drawer, which is very heavy and thus hard for a curious toddler to open. Mom understands this and is reasonably okay with it.

That said, I’m going to agree with Baker about your mother moving in with you. Taking care of two young children is difficult enough without also having to take care of a disabled parent. As I’ve posted before, my mom also has multiple sclerosis and visits home are very stressful. Two weeks later, I’m ready to go home. I can’t imagine my mom living with us.

It may be time to schedule a family conference with her doctor about her care to see what s/he recommends.

Robin

4

I think I’d be inclined to gently explain to her that living with you isn’t a good idea right now, but maybe when the twins are a bit older, it could work.

But if she really needs to live with you (and I’d find it difficult to turn down my mother if that’s what she needed), maybe you could keep her medication in a secure place and give it to her when she needs it. I know, it’s extra work for you, which you don’t need, but it’s one possible solution.

5

Your twins will be old enough to know some basic saftey fairly quickly (about four or so) and you can reevaluate then having your Mom move in. Although I wouldn’t be quick to have someone suicidal living with me (my aunt found my grandmother when she was about seven - gassed herself in the oven is my understanding - and the combination of a genetic predisposition and that incident has not been kind to her own mental health).

6

Oh, I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
Lord knows, it’s hard enough to get your parents on board with your particular concerns and beliefs re: baby and toddler maintenance, if they’re not already on board.
I can’t imagine how much more difficult it would be with BPD.
:frowning:

7

Blah. Repeated myself. You know what I meant, though, right?

8

Thanks for the feedback.

Typing this out helped me face my own denial; I always like to think of her as quirky, not sick. I thought that facing my own ambivalence towards her would be the biggest struggle, and that having worked through it meant I was finished with something.

You folks make good points about the kids being at a critical point re: safety.

9

Personal opinion here, YMMV, but:

If your mother is a BPD, she really has no business being around your children on a long-term basis. It’s one thing for her to be around for a couple hours a day when you are present and she can be conscious of her need to control her behavior, but if she lives with you, there is no way she is (or can rationally be expected to) reign in her tendancies twenty-four hours a day. I speak from experience when I say that this will have a seriously detrimental impact on your children. They will see the abberant behavior of a supposed role model and will emulate it or otherwise learn interaction from it.

I’m sorry for your mother–clearly, she is doing everything she can do to cope with her disorder–but your first priority has to be your children. Someone–a relative and respected adult–flying off the handle, making suicide threats, et cetera, is bad news for your kids, and in a situation in which they are exposed to her nearly all the time, it will be impossible to filter out her influences on them or explain her behavior. The end result could very well be worse for all involved, including your mother. And of course, once she’s moved in, it’s all that much harder to get her to move out.

It’s a rotten situation, and I do not envy you one bit, but my advice would be to consider the impact on your children first and foremost in relation to any decision.

Stranger

10

Just to clarify, she hasn’t been suicidal in 3.5 years.

But maybe it doesn’t make any difference.

Maybe because I grew up w/her, she doesn’t seem primarily crazy. But I hear everyone’s warnings, and will heed them. She and I will be having some conversations on this. And I’ll stop letting her watch the children on her own for at least the time being. I know I can’t count on a second lucky break.

Again, thanks. Sorry for not quoting each of you individually; all of your responses were valuable.

11

Fessie, trust your instincts. See if you can find a friend or a friend of your mother’s who can give you a semi- independent judgement on whether your mother’s condition has worsened recently (or whether she generally seems more crazy or quirky). Remember that jumping to conclusions and making mountains out of molehills are some of the things that message boards are best at.

That said, the pill thing strikes me as scary, and I have to wonder whether your mother was reluctant to count the pills because she wasn’t sure how many pills she should have, because maybe she hasn’t been taking her pills properly. But, there are reasons why I would jump to that conclusion which have nothing to do with your story.

By all means, don’t let your mother watch your children on her own if you don’t trust her. And I’d be very reluctant to let her move in with you (Sounds like a recipe for driving your stress through the roof, and probably creating new relationship problems with your mother, at least in the short term. Especially if you can’t trust her to watch the children.)

But, be careful about basing your actions too much on the responses to this thread. People tend to “anchor” (forget what they would have posted in favor of reacting to a later post) and the people who feel most strongly are the most likely to post responses.

You probably know this already, but your most recent post makes me worry that you are being perhaps a little too sensitive to the reactions of other posters- none of whom know you or your mother and therefore they are unable to give an clear evaluation of her mental health. You may have trouble evaluating her mental health clearly due to being emotionally involved. Still, I recommend you trust your instincts.

12

Seconded. Don’t let a decision as important as how much access to your children your mother should have be decided by unqualified Strangers on the internet.

13

Since you are asking for feedback, I will throw mine thoughts in with the rest. I can understand your having a hard time looking at your mother objectively. My mother is mentally ill. Has been as long as I can remember. I have always preferred to think of her as “eccentric”, makes the bizarre things she does easier for me to handle, but the reality is she is mentally ill.

Try looking at it this way: Let’s say you were interviewing applicants to live in your home and provide part time, unsupervised care for your children. You are given a candidate who is on the same meds your mom is currently on, know she has applied for disability because of mental issues, and has had a past of many years of being suicidal, would you consider that applicant? Would she be someone you would want living in your home with your kids?

After years of struggling with how to deal with my mom, I am used to her odd behavior, I don’t think twice anymore when she goes into one of her “moods.” I have had years to learn to put up walls when needed. I forget others aren’t prepared for her ups and downs and she can cause a lot of unhappiness for others.

I would really try to look at her objectively. Get information from outside sources. The most important thing is what kind of affect will she have on your small children.

Can you help her find another outlet to help her feel needed? Could she do volunteer work at an adult day care center, or some other supervised environment? I know you want to help her, but make sure by doing so you are not putting yourself and your family at risk.

14

This isn’t intended to be advice either way on what you should do, except that most people naturally feel an immense sense of obligation towards their parents, a need to repay them for all they’ve done for us.

This is right and natural, but it can cause people to beat themselves up if circumstances in the end require that they not give in to what a parent wants, or if they decide circumstances require that they not give a parent what might be optimal for the parent because that would conflict with taking necessary care of their own families.

IF it comes down to that for you, try to keep in mind that the duties and obligations resulting from child-rearing are really debts that are properly paid downward.

Yes, your mother cared for you to the best of her ability. Well, she was cared for by HER mother before that, and your grandmother by her mother, and on and on.

Your highest duty is to repay that love and care, with interest if possible, to YOUR OWN children.

Absolutely, help your mother as best you can, but don’t forget that your children’s welfare is paramount.

15

Wow, all of these points are so on the money. Every one of you has spoken the truth, in varied ways.

I did talk to my Mom’s sister (who’s often been fed up with her) before discussing the situation with my Mother. I’m close to my Aunt & she helped ground my perspective a bit.

I still haven’t answered the question of her mental illness in re: childcare. I don’t know about other people’s families, but in my family everyone has problems. If I kept my kids away from troubled people, they’d spend all their time alone! Therapy, psychotropics, and hospitalizations are nothing new for us (and there’s the year my MIL spent living in her truck w/two cats). The question for me is how it might affect the kids. The love and affection that Mom shows the kids is huge, bigger and better than any other relative in our family. They bring out her absolute best. But it is based on sporadic contact; anything more might well be expecting too much.

When Mom and I talked, my instincts did kick in as you describe, Eureka. She’s absolutely devastated at what happened, but also pointed out that accidents and mistakes are a part of life. She’s come up with some strategies for dealing with her pills to keep them away from the kids. We talked about how it happened and how to prevent it from ever happening again.

She also asked me point blank if my confidence in her had been shaken and I said it definitely had. And added that, OTOH, had it been my error, my confidence in myself would be shaken as well. But we’re still planning to visit her later this month.

I think that part of the challenge here has to do with raising twins, as opposed to singles. There’s never a down moment, not even for a second. When we’ve visited other relatives I’ve seen that they’re not prepared for this. And it’s part of what caught my Mom off-guard. Part of my take-away is that other people are not going to be in “twin mentality”, and I can’t trust them with the responsibility. I may need to secure two babysitters, that’s one suggestion I’ve read in twin books. As you pointed out, Dangerosa, this perilous period will eventually end.

You remarks about “paying downward” really resonated with me, Starving. I’ve felt so guilty about my anger towards my sick mother, it’s hard to trust my feelings.

Right now there isn’t any space for her to live with us anyway. It may be months before that changes, I don’t know. Maybe by then the answer will be more clear. I’d love to have her nearby, in her own private space, but in close contact.

Again, thanks.

16

I know I’m just seconding everyone else, but your children are paramount. They need you more than anybody. Do what’s best for them.

17

This was the point I was trying (perhaps not so clearly) to make in an earlier post. It’s not that your mother can’t be affectionate, loving, and supportive, but it is one thing for her to do this a couple hours a day, and quite another for her to conceal her problems all day, every day, for years on end. Expecting her to do that is unfair for all parties. The laxity with handling medication doesn’t worry me so much–it’s clearly just an oversight by someone who isn’t used to having toddlers about, and can be dealt with by greater awareness–but long-term constant exposure to someone who is a diagnosed BPD is a matter of grave concern. Mental illness (of a non-neurophysical nature) is passed down from parent/relative/authority to the child who learns to ape the behavior that results in affliction; it is your prerogative and responsibilty to break that cycle and give your kids the best environment you can manage for them to grow and learn in.

I agree with Eureka and Metacom that you shouldn’t take anyone’s (and certainly not my) unqualified opinion posted on a message board as authoritative, but as you point out, you aren’t objective on the issue, either. Do try to get an assessment of the risk from someone who can be objective; a therapist of your mother, if she has one, or a family counselor, or someone who can give an informed and qualified assessment. Having her live close enough to be in contact, but far enough to limit the contact to when she is at her best is probably the ideal situation for all parties.

Good luck to you.

Stranger

18

Thank you, Stranger; your perspective is quite helpful. You’re absolutely right that she has to have room for her “down days”. MsRobyn made an excellent point about this adding to my already high stress level. My Mom is more likely to withdraw than fly off the handle, but either way it’s her problem and can’t be visited on my family. I’m all about breaking the cycle - that’s one reason I waited so long to have children (I’m 40). Gave me plenty of years for my own therapy.

As for her concealing her problems, that makes me laugh ruefully. My parents, particularly my father, thought that they’d succeeded in isolating her issues. All they really did was deny them. That alone just about made me crazy. Their divorce, and her subsequent hospitalizations, were the best thing that ever happened to me. So no, we won’t be going there again.