My Bipolar Mom (Help!)

In My Humble Opinion
1

I don’t even know where to begin. I put this in IMHO in hopes people more experienced in this area can offer me support and advice. This might be long and rambling, so I’ll elaborate in any way if you want.

I met my birth mother when I was 26. I’m now 39. We always lived in separate states, and visited often. For the first year, we talked on the phone every day. It was what I always wanted…I always wanted to meet my birth parents and have a relationship. I also met my birth father. They’re friends and had remained so that 26 years. (She was 16 when she was pregnant with me; he was a year older.) Adopted people know…it’s VERY rare to get to meet both parents AND establish a relationship.

She was on husband #2 at that time, and soon divorced him. Not long after that, she married another man, pretty much on a whim. I think it was in hopes of gaining financial stability, but she realized it was a mistake and divorced the guy…two weeks after they married.

She’s a professional. She has an MBA. For most of the time I have known her she has been in some sort of middle management position, but through the years her jobs have had less and less…um…what should I say…esteem? I.e., she is on what I guess you call a “downward” track. Each job had less and less responsibility; each job paid less and less.

I need to cut to the chase here. After years of being manic and depressed (not at the same time, but pretty severe bouts), and years of therapy, she was finally diagnosed as having bipolar disorder.

This was after she married for the fourth time. I can’t go into those details, but her current husband and she are in the process of getting a divorce, but it’s VERY amicable and very friendly. They’re best friends but don’t want to be married. He’s a great guy and I never knew until now how much he did for her.

She has lived on her own for about four years now, in a job she hates but at least she made enough money to live. But with the economy like it is, she was laid off about three months ago. I said, “Hey, you might just as well be jobless in Portland. Move here.” She’s always wanted to live here, and I thought it would be nice to build our relationship more, in a way that isn’t just through annual visits and phone conversations. Being an adoptee is an interesting phenomenon…I now know it takes a long time to establish relationships with birth families. (My birth father and I get along wonderfully—we visit about twice a year.)

I figured it was no big deal. She’s just…pack up and move. I knew her husband did a LOT to help her, but I didn’t realize it wasn’t just because he’s nice, caring, wonderful, supportive, and strong…he HAD to. He did everything for her in her move here. He helped her pack. Arranged movers. Paid for everything. Drove up here with her. You name it, he helped with it (or just did it).
So now she has lived in her new apartment for 36 hours and I am beyond worried. I’m in full blown panic mode. I have never seen her like this. I know that throughout the years she has gone through rough times, but, in general, she doesn’t talk to me about these things. And when we visit, she pulls herself together as long as best she can. I’m sure I was in denial about many of the warning signs, too.

She stayed with me this last weekend, and moved in to her new apartment (apartment house converted to condos…beyond cool! Old and right downtown!) Monday. She also stayed with me three weeks ago while she found an apartment and signed a lease. Here are some of the issues:

  1. She has VERY little memory recall. I’ve noticed this the past six months during phone calls, but it wasn’t that big of a deal. She’d tell me the same story over the phone each time (six times running), but that would be it. Now? She’ll ask me the same question six times in a half hour. Yesterday while I was in class (I’m a teacher working on an advanced certificate) she called me twice in twenty minutes asking if I knew where her dog’s stuffed animal was. The second message had NO inkling that she’d called 20 minutes earlier. She misplaces everything. She doesn’t remember anything.

  2. She is a physical danger to herself. (Not suicidal, that I know of.) She falls a lot. Especially in the night. The last two times she has visited me she has fallen in the middle of the night, getting bruised up pretty bad. She told me today she fell a lot.

  3. She can’t control her meds. Her husband bought her one of those plastic divided pill boxes. I don’t know what they’re called, but hers is huge. It looks like the control panel of a 747. It has dividers for 7days…and four boxes for each day. But I know she’s having trouble remembering to take her meds.

  4. She doesn’t have a job. How could she even GET a job like this?

  5. She has no money. She has a few grand but that’s about it. I’m in NO position to help her financially…not even a little. I must admit…I really don’t want to.

  6. She can barely drive. She can barely walk, much less drive.

  7. She can barely take care of her dog. I used to call her the “Crazy Dog Lady of Newport Beach” because her dog is all she talks about. But I don’t think she takes proper care of it. She can’t leave the dog in the new apartment because it howls. She takes it everywhere. How? She has a big bag that looks like carry-on luggage with vents. She takes the dog in places (including restaurants in it). Her dog is pretty…well, she has issues. It was a rescue dog. My mom rescued her from the middle of I-10 in Los Angeles. (I can’t imagine the scene of her stopping in the middle of traffic…) The dog gets pretty antsy. The other day it chewed off one of its toenails in my house. The house looked like a murder scene. She gives it bits of benadryl when she flies with it. (Yes…she sneaks the dog on the airplane.) Tonight the dog could barely lift its head and I’m afraid she gave her dog some of her meds. I have no proof and didn’t ask, but this dog normally has the energy of a two-year-old after a nap and six pack of Coke.

  8. At night she’s a zombie. I never knew this. I guess it’s the meds. I just came from her apartment…I went after work. I’ve never seen another human being like this, much less the woman who gave birth to me. She slurs. She obsesses over stuff. I can’t even describe it.

  9. She loses EVERYTHING. And what she doesn’t lose…she breaks. (Shaky hands.)

  10. She needs a psychiatrist here. NOW.

  11. She hallucinates. She thinks there are mice everywhere. She said she can hear them in the walls of my house at night. I’ll combine #12 with this one: She calls her landlord ALL the time. He’s VERY worried…worried about whom he rented his condo to. She told him there was a five headed mouse dead in the hallway. He came over…it was a figurine someone dropped in the hall that looked nothing like a five headed mouse. (I happened to run into him coming out of the building as I went in.)

That’s the short list. She kept telling me not to worry. I never worried…I went straight into full blown panic mode. What is going to happen to her?

I called her husband. He assured me that if she gets unpacked (my god…her apartment…shit EVERYwhere…) and gets a job or volunteer work, she’ll be ok. He went with her to her psychiatrist and asked him if he thought she could do this. The psychiatrist predicted she’d be exactly like what I wrote above, but that she could work through it.

Now we’ll get to the pitworthy part of this post: I can’t take this on. I can’t take this on in any way. I can’t help financially. If she gets evicted, I can’t pack her up and help her move. She simply CAN NOT live with me. I can’t manage her life. Her bills. Her meds. Nothing. I can’t.

To be completely fair: No one has asked me to. Not her husband. Not her. Especially not her. She specifically does not want me to take any of this on.

But I’m looking down the road, and I’m predicting this is all going to end very, very badly. I know it’s only been 36 hours, but…

So that’s my day…any thoughts? :slight_smile:

2

Gnee…I’m really sad to say but honestly my only thought is that you should have posted on the SDMB before inviting a bipolar person to come live near you. Unless you want to be her nurse, you’d much rather have it be someone else doing that.

3

I’m kinda thinking the same thing :slight_smile:

But I obviously had no idea. It’s my own fault for not researching bipolar disorder, but, in my own defense, the online research probably wouldn’t have helped much. It’s not completely understood; it affects everyone differently; most people agree people can live a very functional life with it.

I do appreciate your reading the post.

4

How much of her problems are the result of her taking too many meds? A new doc might clear up her meds for her.
Also, she obviously can’t organizer her own life right now. What if she had no relative livign near her? Then some relative or friend would call social services and have some nurse or social worker come up daily, right? Why can’t you call SS yourself? You can’t take on more then you can; otherwise you will collapse too and then SS would have TWO cases on their hands.

Otherwise, it is a shitty situation. You have my sympathies. You probably just wanted your new found mom near you.

5

I’m bi-polar (as well as many other things) and I have several of the problems that you lisst for you mother. The best advice I can give, that’s a relatively simple thing you can help her with, is to get her into a therapist ASAP. One that can help her regulate her medications. After that, she can worry about the rest later. But I’d say that is an absolute imperative. And once that’s stable, then she’ll move on to setting up her apartment and finding a productive way to fill her time.

In the interim, take care of yourself the best way you can. That’s the most important ‘gift’ you can give her as she works through this, because ultimately, her coping is up to her.

Sending good thoughts of strength and best wishes you and your mom’s way.

6

Thank you, Maastricht and Faithfool.

Faithfool, that sounds like excellent advice. I will admit that I’ve been guilty of lecturing her a lot. Not about the Bipolar stuff, simply because I didn’t know anything about it. But about the other stuff. I definitely now know enough to stop that shit immediately. I feel absolutely awful about it. And she never, ever once said anything about it. I probably made her feel bad (lecturing her about quitting smoking, taking care of her dog, breaking everything in my house, etc.).

I know how to be supportive now. Ironically, she’s been supportive of ME through the last 36 hours. She can read my mind to the point of near-phenomenon status. But I would love to help her find a psychiatrist in Portland.

How do I do that?? I do have a few people I think I can ask, but I’m not sure. I want to protect and respect my mom’s confidentiality; she knows some of the people I could ask.

I want a psychiatrist will do more than just dope her up with meds, which I think her psychiatrist in California was doing. She also says she will NOT do therapy. “Been there, done that.” She just wants meds.

I looked up meds commonly prescribed for bipolar disorder, and I’ll bet I can pinpoint each one based on the symptoms she has.

Again, thank you for your reply. What you and others go through with bipolar disease I now know is…well, I don’t want to guess and I don’t want to come up with a crude metaphor. It is what it is.

7

She sounds more schizophrenic than bipolar.

8

Obviously, IANA Psychiatrist…but from what I’ve been reading, her symptoms, including the hallucinations, are side effects from the meds, and possibly from taking too many meds. Also, the stress of losing her job and moving are a big cause of this, I’m just now learning. Hell, that would send anyone into a tailspin.

My hope is that she can get a psychiatrist who will do a re-evaluation. I asked her about that. She wasn’t thrilled abut a re-evaluation, but said she’d do it again.

I worry that at this point, even if she found a psychiatrist she likes and trusts, she wouldn’t have the capacity to follow a program.

9

I’m not a psychiatrist either. But I had a schizophrenic aunt and your OP reminded me of her.

10

Runs, you sound very conscientious and like you’re doing the very best you can. And although you’ve been the one on the receiving of her support, you have to realize a couple of things… 1) that may be a component of how she deals with things by trying to take care of others (hence not feeling quite as out of control herself) and 2) you are really new to all this. Even when you’ve been there for a while, it’s a really difficult issue to get a good grasp on. Cut yourself as much slack as possible while your learning ‘the ropes.’ I’m not going to say it’ll necessarily make it all that much easier, but at least you won’t feel quite so thoroughly panicked.

As to getting her help, there’s several ways to go about that. You can get in touch with your own doctor and start asking for basic referrals that way. You can find out what social services in your area can help. For example in my part of Texas, we have the MHMR (Mental Health and Mental Retardation) network that can get you into see therapists on a sliding scale and hook you up on medications for lesser fees. I’ve done both of these methods and I know that this can at least get her started.

If that doesn’t work, there’s probably a hotline through your local hospital that can direct you too. Through that source, you might be able to check around further, discretely, trying to assess which psychiatrist would be best to fit her particular problems (IE: bi-polar, low functioning, hallucinogenic, insomniatic?, OCD, etc.) and then, hopefully, one that would also be willing to counsel her as well. I’ve had more therapists than one could shake several sticks at, so I understand her feelings on the subject all to well. However, something along the lines of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy might be just what she needs and if she learned to trust the psychiatrist, could be more willing to open up to them. That’s a route I’ve had to take before too.

Also, another piece of information you might want to ask her about is if they gave her a designation with her disorder. In my own case, I’m bi-polar II. That will also dictate what sort of treatment is most beneficial. Finally, I’d suggest that a support group for yourself (I’ve always like the National Alliance of Mental Health most) or, at the very least as comprehensive a self-help book on the subject that you can stand (there’s so many I’ve tried, I can’t begin to recommend the best – although, that might be a good topic for another thread), to offer you a glimpse of what life with her in it will be like. Other than that, she’s very lucky to have you. So just stay on this path and hang in there.

I also wanted to tell you thank you for the kind words. That’s the reason I talk about my trajectory in dealing with this. If only one person gets help from it, than the past 13 years haven’t been in vain. :slight_smile: Now, if you have any more questions, please don’t hesitate to ask. And if there’s anything too sensitive, just send me an email and I’ll do my best to find the answers that you need. It’s faithfool @ gmail dot com. I’m pretty much always around as my agoraphobia has been in full swing for a while these days, so hopefully I can get back to you relatively quickly.

Again I’ll offer up my prayers and say you’re a brave one. If we’ve got it tough, I’ve often thought that those trying to support us have it tougher. Many hugs.

11

[Mandatory disclaimer]I am a psychologist, but having never met your mother, I am not treating her. [/Mandatory disclaimer]

That said, she definitely sounds like she needs a med check. You also didn’t mention her age - could her mental illness be exacerbated by hormonal (menopausal) factors? It sounds like the changes in environment have been…disorganizing for her, to say the least. Her ex-husband’s advice sounds apt: she may pull herself together with some structure. It sounds like a day treatment program might be ideal for her - someplace with structured therapeutic activities and some supervision and - this is key - some case management and social work. Here in California, some are county funded. I don’t know about your area, though.

It would probably be helpful if you pull your focus back in on yourself. Schedule your days, do things for yourself and realize she was around long before you were and managed to muddle through. You are not the only thing between her and circling the drain. She’s brought herself this far and will most likely get herself together again - if you let her try. You’re not leaving a baby on a bus - you’re just living your life and letting your mom live hers.

12

I have a friend who has bipolar disorder with (IIRC) schizoaffective tendencies. Plus extreme bipolar states can come with paranoia, delusions of grandeur, etc. My friend was misdiagnosed for a while because her big “break” was her thinking that people were following and monitoring her as part of some big plot.

13

I have no advice, but I just wanted to say that I have a great deal of respect for what you are trying to do. You sound like a good person with a damn good heart who’s been hit by a lot of difficult stuff, and all I can say is I wish you the best.

14

My mother has one of those 7x4 pillboxes and it’s nowhere near the size of a 747’s controls! :stuck_out_tongue: OK, OK, we’ll let you exaggerate slightly…

Why do you think your mom can’t track her meds with the box? Mine curses up a storm whenever she’s filling hers up, but has no problem remembering to have the appropiate pills with each meal. Maybe it’s because she’s been on meds since before Moses climbed Sinai…

15

Scissors, here’s another thought that might make you feel better.

You mentioned your mom was on friendly terms with her exes, and that they still seemed to want to help her. You also mentioned that your mom has both tried to, and in a way succeeded, in comforting you in the past days. She hasn’t manipulated you into helping her, as some moms in threads here on SD are doing their daughters, either by emoptional manipulation or staggering learned helplessness/ stupidity/ hard-headedness. Also, it appears that your mom has made the best possible choice when she gave you up for adoption all those decades ago.

My point is, not all people who need care are emotionally draining. Or toxic. Or black pits of frustration. Our image of care, or rather our nightmare of care, is about a person who has somehow tricked us into caring for them, so we have to keep on giving, giving giving and getting nothing in return. Your mom doesn’t seem to be such a person. She seems both bi-polar AND a good, lovable, giving person.

If it doesn’t work out in a positive way, you can still try and change the situation. But untill then, keep an open mind. It might not be all giving you need to do, and you might be pleasantly surprised at what you get in return.

16

Thank you all again. I have no idea what I would have done if I hadn’t posted about this. All the advice here is very sound, and I appreciate everyone’s honesty and support.

Faithfool, again, thank you. Excellent advice. I have a feeling you’ve helped a lot more than one person.

Jellyblue, yes, she says she is going through menopause. She is 55 right now.

I want to continue living my life and doing what I do. I have the most amazing teaching job at a time when so many people are losing jobs. I have fantastic friends, live in a great city…all of which I, of course, wanted for my mom. My plan certainly was just to take care of myself. I feel like a complete shit for what I said above about “not wanting to take this on.” Of course, as I said, no one has asked me to, but I know I will if I have to.

BTW, I’m not married, no SO. (I’m male, too.) I also have my adopted family. I do drop everything for them. I do that for my friends. I don’t want anyone to get the idea that I’m a selfish prick who does things only for himself. But…my adopted family is pretty needy, too. My adopted mom is in her 80s and any day now, I’ll be traveling across the country to help her move into a nursing home.

Leander, thank you for that. Sometimes people get beat up pretty badly here, so I was scared to post :slight_smile:

Nava, ok, I exaggerated :slight_smile: I watched her husband fill the box up on my kitchen table, and it was just painful to watch. He had to explain everything to her five times, and I knew she was just nodding and agreeing. I asked her last night how the meds were going, and she talked about taking more of some, less of others and “self medicating.” I can’t remember if I posted that above.

Maastricht, yeah, she has never once manipulated me emotionally. We have some pretty serious groundrules about the adoption reunion. As much as I care for and help and enjoy loved ones, I’m not really a touchy feely guy, which is why my Meyers-Briggs score always floors me!

My birthmom is one of the strongest, smartest, funniest, wittiest people I know. You should have seen her artwork before she went on the meds. She even owned a store that created artwork on used antique furniture. All that went away with the meds. She used to travel and help other people. She has an MBA.

I feel like JUST when I was able to connect with my birthmother…bam, she was gone. Now…I don’t feel sorry for myself at all. As I said earlier, the fact that I met both birthparents (and have a wonderful relationship with my birth father) is so rare. I appreciate what I have. I’m just sooooooo sympathetic for my birthmom. She’s the type not to feel sorry for herself, and she could be really happy if her meds were balanced out.

Here she is…whacked out, and yet she’s still unpacking and trying to get things done. She isn’t sitting in filth. She’s trying SO HARD. I realize that if she were just sitting around doing nothing that it would be ok because of what she’s going through. But the fact that she is trying so hard under these circumstances…

I need to get to work or I’ll have a classroom full of sixth graders bouncing off the walls! I can’t tell everyone how much your replies mean to me.

17

The ‘self medicating’ thing makes me wonder if she might be altering her dosages inconsistently. Withdrawal from some meds can leave a person pretty loopy, and you’ve mentioned she has memory issues.

18

What Jayn said. Does Mom tweak the amounts when she puts the pills into the little boxes (something you could do for her or be around with a sack of patience while she does it), or when taking them out?

My mom sometimes skips part of her paracetamol, but it’s the doctors’ fault… every. Single. New. Doctor. She sees (well, ok, I’m the one exaggerating now, the last new one didn’t do it and I’d send her a box of chocolates for that if it wasn’t against the rules) will say “oh, you’re taking too much paracetamol! You should cut back some.” So it’s by doctor’s orders, just not the orders of doctors who have looked at her whole picture. Since we know what she looks like when she’s doing this, we can point out “Mom, you look like shit today, did you skip a paracetamol?.. OK, let me get it for you.” Of course, that getting to know what she looks like has taken a long time; strangers will see her at her stiffest and think she’s got good posture :smack:

19

No advice other than to please look after the doggy. Sounds like mom is either making him nervous (understandably) and/or, like you suspect, accidentally giving it drugs. Obviously it’s her best friend and she will be devastated if something happens … so please keep an eye out.

Good luck to you - I hope you guys get stuff straightened out!

20

As someone with a (now deceased) bi-polar father and someone in the diagnosis process myself, the downward spiral sounds exactly like what he went through. He went, in the space of six months, from being PhD-qualified, working in prosthetics to working as an airline baggage handler with hands too shaky to sign his own name. With three months or so of unemployment in between. Three marriages and multiple affairs also marked the last thirty years.

I’ll n-th the idea of a med check. The shaking seems connected to some meds, as does the lack of memory (Topamax can give numbness in the extremities, memory loss and aphasia all by itself- and that’s only the one med I’ve had personal experience with). The hallucinations may well be a med side-effect, but could also be a clue to a mis-diagnosis.

I would get hooked up with a doc as soon as you can, but also draw up a list of things to ask the doctor about / tell them what is happening. Sometimes in the high-pressure situation that these visits can be at lot of things slip your mind. Meds might not work as effectively if she, like my father, has had changes in the nature of their disorder. A move between bipolar 1 and 2 can occur (or the doctor may decide there was a misdiagnosis).Notes and checklists might also be good for your mother. My father stayed on track and actually got back into his prosthetics work with a lot of organizational tools. Not just the pill box, but calendars and checklists in a day planner.

Is there some support available in the community, eg Support groups at local hospitals, home visits?

re: self medicating- my father was both a pill-horder and a drinker. The hording was bad on its own, but drinking / taking other meds reacted poorly with his meds and often caused greater side-effects and worsening of his mood changes.

As always, I am not a doctor, just someone with some first-hand experience as both carer and patient. I did not see my father between the ages of six and 20-ish, so I also feel the pain of having just got someone back after not really having them