Recently I’ve begun to be really, really sick of all the criticism I heap upon myself. I’m pretty sure that I don’t deserve most of it. I’m pretty sure that most of it is just perpetual self-doubt, too. That is, fixing my hot-button issues wouldn’t stop the criticism. Losing weight wouldn’t stop me feeling upset about my body, paying attention to my toddler every minute of the day wouldn’t stop me from feeling like I don’t do enough for her, and no amount of housekeeping is going to make me feel like my house is “finished”.
So what the heck do I do to stop, or at least tone down, the constant self criticism? I’m effing sick of always being on my own ass.
One way that I handle it is like this: What is the purpose of life? No one knows! They may tell you they do…but they don’t! So if you don’t know the goal of life, how can you know you are going in the wrong direction?
Don’t use this to validate doing destructive things, but use it to understand that life is to be lived and enjoyed, not just worked. Goals are important. Living life is too.
Don’t get upset about your body…I had a perfect one for years until I lost all my upper teeth.
The time you spend with your toddler is precious, enjoy it. No, there couldn’t ever be enough, and you’d be a bad parent to think otherwise. It’s normal and healthy that you should feel that way. Just focus on enjoying that time, not counting it. That toddler will add life to your years.
Fuck the house being finished; it can’t be. Just do what needs to be done to live your life, and let the rest slide.
You stop worrying by realizing that if you died tomorrow no one at your funeral would be saying how the dishes were never done, or that you had some stubborn belly fat, they’d be talking about who you are as a parent, a sibling, a child, and a friend. Those are the things to focus on.
My advice is to start by setting goals that you can measurably achieve.
“Cleaning my house” isn’t a good goal because someone like you can always find something more to clean. “Washing all the dishes in the sink” is achievable. Go and achieve it, then pat yourself on the back when you’re done. Some people might benefit from a checklist of housecleaning chores so that you can break the whole thing down into however-many steps and schedule what to do when.
Likewise “Do enough for my toddler” isn’t achievable because you can always do more. “Take my toddler to the park for an hour tomorrow” is achievable. Pat yourself on the back when you’re done.
This may not solve all of your self-criticism issues, but it’s a place to start. You have to set reasonable and achievable goals for yourself and allow yourself to feel some satisfaction in doing them.
When I was caregiving I went through a stretch feeling as you do. Caregiving is intense. Over several years, it’s all consuming, an open pit to pour yourself into. There is always more to do, you’re managing something that’s ever changing. A few years in I was habitually seeing only what I didn’t get to, and it was wearing me down.
Someone taught me to say a little speech to myself, out loud, every night when I climbed into bed. I can’t remember is exactly now, but it wasn’t very long. Along the lines of; 'I put in my best effort today. It doesn’t matter if it was enough for…A,B, or C. It only matters that it’s enough for me. And it is, because I know I did what I could. I will sleep well knowing the universe expects nothing more than my best effort!"
It’s sounds kind of silly, I know. But it’s not as easy as it seems, I challenge you to give it a try. Every night that you forget you need to remind yourself that it’s your monkey mind, sabotaging you, double your effort. I believe the challenge was to go three weeks, saying it every night.
It really worked for me. I turned a corner, and went on caregiving for several more years. It’s so long ago I’d forgotten all about it, till I read your OP! I think you should give it a try, it might still that wretched self criticizing voice. Good Luck!
You’ve got to short-circuit the thought process too. Every time you have a negative thought about yourself, you have to train yourself to think something positive next.
“God, I suck at housecleaning.” STOP.
“On the other hand, I did X today!”
“I suck at taking care of the kid.”
“The kid is growing up fine and cheerful and happy.”
Start letting the circle be of positive thoughts. Negative thoughts feed on each other; so do positive thoughts. Everyone knocks themselves down, but you can’t do it all the time, that will just depress you and then make no one want to be around you. No one likes a Negative Nellie.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is a great method for dealing with negative thoughts. There are some great self-help books that you can use to retrain your brain to think differently. My personal favorite is Learned Optimism by Martin Seligman. I put it into practice on a daily basis, and it has literally changed my life. Another highly recommended book is Feeling Good by David Burns, along with The Feeling Good Handbook.
These books go beyond just positive thinking and giving yourself words of encouragement. They teach you to analyze your negative thoughts and defeat them.
I believe I’ve mentioned this before, but one thing that worked for me was constant self-affirmation. Even if you don’t believe it (because you won’t, at first) you just constantly, consciously think nice things about yourself. I found it particularly useful to do it as I was drifting off to sleep. YMMV but it seemed to have a real positive impact on my life, even though at first it seems like such a silly and cliche thing to do.
I would also second the recommendation of David Burns’ Feeling Good
What worked for me was every time I caught myself thinking something negative, I just cut myself off in mid-sentence and think of something else, not even stopping to think, “Of course I’d think something stupid like that.” Just cut myself off from the negative thoughts. Took practice and persistence, but it worked in the end.
Also keep in mind the words of a bumper sticker I once saw–Look for the Good and Praise It. Whether it’s someone opening a door for you or a toddler smiling at you in a restaurant, pause to acknowledge that something nice just happened. Doesn’t matter if it was just a little thing, it was nice. That way you start to replace the negative thoughts with positive ones and take a few steps toward feeling more positive overall.
Those are two of the things that helped raise me from the depths of my depression, at least. I hope they can help you too.
Start keeping a journal of at least three good things you do every day. Not jumping-up-and-down happy dance time things. Just things that made you feeling better; i.e.
I walked from the government building to the library, even though I had my bus pass with me.
I spent an hour playing with my child, and she loved it.
I talked with a stranger on the bus ride home, and she loved it.
I made myself a good dinner, and cleaned up the kitchen afterwards.
One thing that helps me is to think, “If I were someone else - a relative, a close friend, a stranger - would I judge that person the way I judge myself?” The answer is almost always “No”. I criticize myself for a lot of the same things you do. But do I think negatively about other people’s bodies? Do I keep track of whether my friends are spending too much time (or not enough) with their kids? Do I cluck my tongue when I visit a friend and their home doesn’t look like a magazine? No. In fact, these things I’m so concerned about in myself, I hardly even notice in other people. So I try to treat myself as well as I treat others. That doesn’t mean I let everything slide, of course; there are some things I do judge others for, so it’s fair hold myself to the same standard. But when I find that I’m worried about something not for my own satisfaction, but primarily because of what others might think, it helps to take a step back and look with another person’s perspective.
And even for those things I genuinely feel I need to work on, I try to be as kind to myself as I would to someone else. I try to be my own mentor. If you wouldn’t try to motivate someone else by criticizing them, then don’t say those things to yourself. What would you say to a friend who isn’t happy with her body? Or who feels she isn’t a good enough mom, or whatever? How would you help her? Try to do that for yourself.
For me it helps to just acknowledge that voice, like “there’s that voice again”, but not take it seriously. It truly is never satisfied, and it is completely unhelpful. Sometimes I think I need to be aware of all the things I’m doing wrong so that I can fix them next time, but that’s just a lie. I don’t want to fight it, or argue with it, I just acknowledge it and get on with what I’m doing. There is no need to get upset by it, because it is just some neurons firing. I think it is like a habit or something, but it has no basis in reality.