I have been recovering from depression (and perhaps other issues) for a while. Everyday I have negative thoughts and impulses flooding through me. I don’t want to get out from bed. I am uncertain and doubtful about people’s intention. I don’t think anyone want to see me or hear me talk.
My automatic intention is to distrust people, shut myself in and call everything a scam.
However through a combination of exercise, meditation and counselling, I push those thoughts and impulse aside. I daresay I’m functional.
But which one is me? The ‘functional’ front maintained by willpower and discipline, or the one that I am automatically inclined to? Sometimes I doubt anyone know ‘me’, just a facade I put on to go on in life. Sometimes I don’t even know myself. How can I, when I can’t even quite trust my perception?
I do not want to speak. This has always been a “thing” for me, but it always comes and goes. But it’s been with me for awhile now. Today as I was walking home from work, I kept my scarf wrapped around the lower half of my face as tightly as I could, even though it’s not that cold. Almost like a defense against having to speak.
Thing is, I talked to a couple of people today and was fine. I even exchanged some small talk. I was also fine when I was visiting with family last week. I was my usual, normal, non-mute self, initiating conversations and everything.
I’m not going to work tomorrow or Monday, and I’m looking foward to the next four days of pure, unadulterated silence. On Monday night, I know I’m going to dread Tuesday and the “monkey act” I will have to put on. But I also know that when I do it, it won’t kill me. And I will do a good job at it, too.
I don’t know the answer to your question. I’m sure someone will say that you are overthinking everything…that everyone struggles with this and you’re just being drama-queeny. And if you’re anything like me, this will make you want to keep your mouth shut even more than you already do.
Maybe you are whomever you want to be at any given moment. I don’t know. I ain’t got nuthin’.
Does it change anything if you think of an addict of some sort as an analogy? Someone who is compulsively drawn to a certain substance or behaviour, but through various methods - meds, counseling, groups, will power, higher power, etc manages to change their behaviour in a very fundamental way for the better.
I ain’t got nuthin’ either, but the glass-half-full part of me would say that the more functional, happy part of you is the “real” you that got derailed by wonky brain chemistry or circumstance. Let’s face it - most people put on a social facade; we’re social animals. We resist the urge to fart in public, we try to get along with people, we exchange meaningless pleasantries with strangers, we observe proper toilet etiquette when others are watching. Etc.
I assume there’s many facets to all of us - they’re all you, both good and bad, addict or not, isolated or part of the human island. Black or white, either/or thinking is a hallmark of depression, I believe. I imagine you have multiple innate sets of urges or tendencies, and you pull up whatever works for you at any given time.
But we try to choose the most functional (a subjective definition) personas to operate from because it’s what makes us feel better. I don’t think it’s an either/or question so much as a “it’s all real but this is my choice” issue. And kudos to you for choosing to be functional.
It’s a little different for me. My problem isn’t depression, it’s anxiety. Sometimes my Anxiety Brain tells me something like ‘you are now doomed to hell [which I don’t even believe in] because you said a swear word’ or ‘that’s not heartburn, it’s a heart attack and you are dying, you need to start writing up your will’ or ‘there are people hiding in your attic’. I know all these things are stupid and irrational. I’m the human with the capability of being rational, and my ability to evaluate them as irrational means they aren’t really me, they’re the anxiety.
But sometimes my Anxiety Brain tells me something more along the lines of what you deal with, Crowbar of Irony +3. Something like ‘your loved ones are embarrassed by you because you are so socially awkward and unpleasant to be around’, or ‘you are hideously ugly and you smell, and everyone can see it’.
So then I try to evaluate it rationally. Would people ask me to go out to cafés and restaurants with them if I really embarrassed them so much? Or if I smelled bad, wouldn’t people avoid me on public transit instead of getting all up in my personal space? Those things alone aren’t complete arguments against Anxiety Brain, but I keep piling up more and more arguments against it until I can tell the thoughts are irrational.
So I’d say go with: if you have a rational, objective argument against it, it’s not the real you. If you can intellectually know that people actually aren’t evil, liars, or hateful, then you can reject those thoughts as not being your own.
For me, I figure it’s all of us. I’m just MPD without the blackouts. There’s a constant fight for control, but I always win, because I’m the only one who knows how to do anything. The rest of me are a bunch of whiners.
Wow, can I ever relate. I understand exactly what you mean. My whole outward persona is a facade that I’ve perfected. It’s what I have to do to function in the world. I am the first point of contact for a very busy, international office, I have to “be on” even when I’m so not. I’m so good at pretending, I almost start to believe my lies.
But alone, at home, I’m a totally different person. Getting out of bed is a chore and forget about getting dressed on the weekends. Trying to decide between Cheerios and Miniwheats is a monumental task that I sometimes just cannot do.
I honestly sometimes wonder how I even go on. Sometimes I think that just staying alive is an accomplishment.
Feel free to pm me anytime you want to talk, that also goes for anyone else who is reading but doesn’t want to post. Sometimes having someone who is in the same boat can be a comfort.
Sometimes people think I have gotten over it and give me slaps on the back. Then I feel like I could never go back to them and ask for help when I need it.
I agree that I sometimes choose the persona that suits the social situation the most; but most of the time I too busy rejecting thoughts than doing anything positive.
