Why is that?
Elza, you have him at daycare and have a sitter? Or did I read it wrong?
We have our 6 month-old in 8-5 M-F daycare but other than that he is always with one of us. Which gives us actually a lot of time with him. Morning routine, nights, weekends, long holdiday weekends.
We have no family in town either so he goes everywhere with us. Shopping, eating, etc. He has never had a sitter.
This works pretty well for us and I think he would get bored if he was with us 24-7. Daycare gives him a dayfull of activities, new faces, different surroundings, socialization that I can’t give him at home.
Ooh, boy. I’m going to get in under the flames here and point out that I’ve done it both ways - with my son, I was back to work at 6 weeks. 12 years later I had my daughter and I’m a SAHM since her birth almost 22 months ago.
My experience is one of guilt both times. It’s just part of being a parent. No matter what your choices, you’ll always wonder if there’s some other choice that would have been better. I found that watching other people’s kids in my home is a good compromise - I’m still here and alone with my kid three days a week, and other days we have “friends” come over and I get paid for it. But that’s a solution for me, not for everyone. (And I still feel guilt that I only make a couple of hundred a week.)
Oh, and ivylass? How do you reconcile a blanket recommendation that grandparents be consistent care providers for their grandkids with the fact that 75% of people on this very board bitch about how horrible their parents were to them as kids? Sharing DNA with the sprog doesn’t mean you have any availability (my mother’s still working; my husband’s parents live in another state), desire, skill or better rapport with them. I’m a damn good provider for my client’s kids, I have more training than their own parents or grandparents, and I actually LIKE the little buggers. Why would it be better to schlep them off to a reluctantly willing grandparent who fucked up their own kids? I plan on seeing the same kids every few days for the first few years of their lives - how am I “some stranger?”
I also find the “some stranger” comment grating. I know many, many parents, and I can’t think of one who hands their child over to “some stranger” when they leave home–whether it’s for an occasional evening or for daily care. It’s insulting to the profession and to the relationship between a caregiver and a child.
As for the OP, I think feelings of guilt never entirely go away Now that my son is in school, daycare is no longer an issue. He’d be in school and away from me whether I worked or not. However, now I sometimes feel bad that I am not a bigger presence in his school, that I can’t help with more of the parent events or be a driver when his Campfire group goes places.
I think at some point you make peace with it. We make all kinds of decisions about our family life, like whether or not my son can play video games, when he will go to bed, how much I will push new foods, whether he consumes nutrasweet, what car and carseat we buy, what school he attends, whether we attend church, how much we spend on vacations, etc. Some of these decisions require more thought than others, and some of the offer more choices than others, but the point is you have to accept that you made your decision (and hopefully for reasons that make sense for your family). Of course, sometimes parents feel that the only way to make it okay is to tick down their reasons to anyone who seems critical. But I think that is a waste of time.
I should have just said ditto to Jess and others.
What standard of living is acceptable before you think someone does not “have to” work? Should people be willing to quit their jobs and move to a cheaper city if it means they can stay home? Should they sell their second car? Move to a smaller house? Does this go for dads too or just moms? If we won the lotto tomorrow should my husband and I both stay home with him 24/7?
Is it ok to volunteer if it means time away from your kid?
Or should it be up to people to decide what is best for their own family?
I need to work if we are going to keep our standard of living, but we could surely survive without my income. I don’t feel guilty because I choose to work. Maybe I would feel guilt if I thought my kid was suffering as a result, but there are lots of ways to solve that, staying home might be one of them but it’s not the only one.
Sorry, I’m confusing :D. He goes to one sitter, who I also refer to as daycare. She has a licensed daycare in her home, but I call her his sitter. Sorry, I was a little unclear. - I drop him off at 8:15 and pick him up at 5:15 at the latest, so I do have a lot of time with him in the mornings, at night, and on the weekends. If we need someone to watch him for an hour or two so we can run to the store or something, the only other people who have cared for him are my husband’s parents. In fact, they asked if we could find a sitter for Saturday night so that they could take us out to dinner with my parents, and I refused, as I’ve never had anyone else sit with him and I’m not comfortable with it. We’ll just take him out with us - he does fine going out to eat. When he’s a little older, maybe I’ll be comfortable with my co-worker’s daughter watching him, but not right now.
I think that’s what it is - I think I’m just having a ‘the grass is always greener’ moment. I enjoy my job, I think we do good things here, and if I have to work somewhere, this is the place I want to be. I think a lot of this is also that it’s a short week and I know I’ve got four days to spend with him (and my parents are coming to visit), so I’m anxious to get to tomorrow afternoon.
E.
Yup. When I’m at work, I want to be home, and some days when I am home, I want to be at work. I have yet to decide which are my days “off.” 
I hardly WMG it when I put my son in daycare at the age of about 18 months. Initially mornings only, twice a week, building up to full time when he was about 3. I felt that the extra stimulation he was getting from being with other children, different toys, games and books, and professional carers, as well as the change of environment was beneficial and necessary. Not to mention the fact that I appreciated the breather from 24/7 childcare duty.
I do still feel the guilt if I have to travel for my work, which I do once in a while. When he was 4 I spent several months practically commuting from the Dominican Republic to Haiti, staying there for periods of up to 2 weeks at a time. I felt dreadfully guilty about the fact that I was leaving him, compounded by the fact that I was in a high-risk country, which also meant I was consumed by morbid thoughts.
It’s not so bad now - he’s 6, in first grade, but I still feel guilty in the run-up to a work trip. Once I’m on the trip I enjoy the break in my own routine and the welcome I get when I arrive home after the trip is always a great feeling. I’m hoping that one day I can take him on a trip - it would be a great experience for him!
Whoa, Nellie. Back up the horse there. I made no blanket statements about grandparents being care providers. In fact, if my grandparents were still alive, I wouldn’t let them near my kids. I was speaking specifically to ElzaB, in that
(bolding mine)
perhaps extended family might be an option as a care provider instead of a hired sitter for her son.
Velma:
Some people believe that a young child is better off with a full time mother at home. My wife and I are in this group. We made a ***lot ** * of sacrifices for her to stay at home… we live in a small house, we drive old cars, we don’t have cable TV, and we rarely go out to eat. But we feel the advantages of her staying at home with our children are worth the lower standard of living.
Others feel differently, obviously… they would rather have the goodies at the expense of their children not having a mom at home all day.
Thanks for clarifying. That helps.
But I still don’t like your use of “some stranger”, especially as cher3 pointed out in the first reply why it’s a bad choice of words. And you’re still assuming the ElzaB’s parents or in-laws are the best choice, or even simply willing and capable of full time daycare. It’s one thing to dote on junior when he visits on weekends, it’s a whole 'nother kettle of metaphors to take on daily child care. Frankly, I think most grandparents old enough to be retired are too old to chase after toddlers day in and day out all on their own. As part of a larger extended family, with mom and dad and aunts and uncles and older grandkids, sure. But as solo day care? It’s a lot of work and exhausting for me, and I’m only 31.
There’s a whole lot of gray area between what you describe as your lifestyle and “having the goodies”. We, too, live in a small house and don’t have a lot of extras, don’t take vacations except when they are partially subsidized by the grandparents, don’t have new cars, don’t go out to eat. But my husband and I both do have to work to keep that small roof over our kids’ heads.
If it were an option, we’d definitely take it - if we lived in Virginia near my family, my mom would be our full-time caregiver. Unfortunately, both my MIL and FIL work. FIL does pick up Baby B every once in awhile to spend the afternoon with him - with my blessing. He’s definitely a doting grandpa.
Crafter_Man, again, my not working is not an option. It’s not so we can go on vacations or have brand new cars (neither of us do).
And this really isn’t a working parent vs. non working parent debate, so I really would appreciate it if you didn’t turn it into one. I’m looking for suggestions on HOW to deal with being a working parent.
E.
Sorry, I kind of got my debate face on, too.
I think you’re doing well to remind yourself that he is in good hands, that he loves you and knows that he is loved. One of the signs of a well-cared-for baby is that he or she does have the capacity to warm up to and form relationships with other people.
I’ve had several different work schedules since my kids were born (they are 2 and 4 now). I think working PT afforded me less guilt, but I do recall feeling like I was never in the right place at the right time. And my PT job never seemed to be as PT as it was supposed to be. Now I have a FT job, but one that allows more flexibility. I use my vacation days for planned days off with the kids, being the Parent Helper at my daughter’s preschool, and the like. I make the most of the time that I do have, and we have activities that we do, and our nighttime routine.
The guilt isn’t gone, but I know that I give my kids as much love as is humanly possible and they feel it. They also have a social life at daycare that doesn’t involve me, friends in the neighborhood, and so many adults who cherish them. I’m sure your baby will, too.
Hope you’ve got your flame retardent undies on today …
I’ve worked time, not worked, worked at home, and worked part time. Guilt was a part of all of those choices. I’ve been back at work for 2.5 years and my “babies” are 14 & 15 and I often wonder if they need me home more now than they did when they were small!
My income isn’t necessary for our survival, but since Mr. Adoptamom is self employed, if we ever hope to retire I’d best bring home some moola and start tucking it back today or we’ll be eating beenie weenies 24/7 in a few years.
I think some guilt is a sign that we’re caring, compassionate parents who want the best for our children and NO situation is 100% correct 100% of the time, so we make the best of what we’re faced with.
That was mostly directed at Crafter_Man, who obviously didn’t read my post where I said working is not an option. I don’t work for Coach purses and a Lexus SUV. I drive a Kia, for hell’s sake :D.
He does warm up to others pretty easily - in fact, we went out to eat one night last week and got kind of annoyed because employees kept stopping by our table and talking to him - and he reacted with smiles and giggles, which made them come back later. We had a hard time eating our dinners because we were visited so much by employees that night. One of the downfalls of having a charmer, I guess;).
I do appreciate the anecdotal evidence. I’m not guilty that I have to work, I’ll never NOT be able to work unless we win the lottery - my husband’s just not in a line of business that’s all that lucrative. (He is in school for something else, but I’m not getting my hopes up). I’m just feeling like I miss him more right now because he’s been so fun lately.
E.
Maybe you should also consider that other parents love their children just as much as you do and things are not always what they appear. Parents choose to work or not work for many reasons, but I would guess that simply wanting to drive a Lexus is not why 99% of women work. There are good and bad parents across the board. Being a good parent means making sure your kid is happy and safe and doing what works for your own family, not assuming that what makes your family happy is what would make every family happy. Happy and fulfilled parents raise happy and fulfilled children.
I have seen some stay at home moms that could use a little time away. One person I knew gave up her whole life to stay home with her kids, then they grew up and moved away and she can’t let go, she has no sense of self without her kids. I have seen working parents throw themselves into their jobs and pretty much become absent or just a source of income to their kids. Both are sad. People, moms and dads, should feel free to make choices about what is best for them and their own kids, not feel pressured or guilted into one or the other.
But, historically speaking, the baby was there with the mother while she worked.
It is admirable that you have chosen to live a more ascetic life in order to allow your children to be cared for by one parent full-time. However, I think it is quite a leap to imply that those who do not make that same decision are doing so for a life with “goodies.”
Some do, sure. But there are families where both parents work so that the family can have things like health insurance, or to send their child to a better school.
I think you are right to be proud of the sacrifices you have made for the way you want your family life to be. Taking swipes against the choices of other families is something less noble.
As for how to deal with working-mother guilt -
When you are with your child (ren) do your best to be *with * your child (ren). There are SAHM’s that are just as guity of this as working moms - you need to make the time with your kids as quality as you can - does that mean you should feel guilty if you are not doing activities every second? NO. But at the same time be in the moment with your child as much as possible. Turn off your cell phone (if you can) put away the laptop and just be with your family.
That will help some of the guilt.
And if not, crying in the bathtub is handy - you are alone and can hide the red face and tears easier