Never had it. Returned to work after maternity leave with both my kids and thanked my boss for employing me. I’d make a lousy SAHM. Glad other people do it.
My kids’ grandparents dote on them. My mother, in particular, is a surrogate mom. But my mother and MIL both work. Both would have a commute that would make caring for my kids impractical (my mother in law is not about to get up at 7:00 every morning to watch my kids). I had my kids in a center - one I researched and spent time in and who weren’t strangers. There was only one time I doubted their judgement.
As for goodies - yep. My kids are in elementary school and have college pretty much funded (we are starting to climb up the college ladder - we hope to afford four year private college with room and board for two kids). I happen to think that is an important goodie. When I was in junior high one of my friends had her family split up because her dad lost his job, her mom was a stay at home mom. They lost the house - the kids went to live with other relatives because Mom and Dad couldn’t afford to keep the family together - this was the late 1970s (as an adult, I suspect there was more going on here than what was generally known - but that was what I knew at the time). There is NO WAY I’m putting my kids through that. I’ll trade time with them (which I’m not good at in quantity) for financial security and a good start in adulthood.
Does it help to try to distinguish guilt from sadness? Your baby is happy, he’s being cared for by people who are meeting his needs for affection, love and physical needs (shich is sometimes you, sometimes not). He appears to have no problem with the situation. What do you have to feel guilty about?
Being sad is a whole 'nother kettle of fish. You’re sad because you’re not getting to spend as much time with Baby B as you want. That’s absolutely natural, and nothing to feel ashamed about.
I don’t know “how long it will last” and I’m sure nobody else on this board can tell you either, because we are all different people to each other. But I would say that, although you may be able to deal with guilt by going through the reasons why you are doing the best and only thing for your family, you can’t deal with sadness the same way. It’s what you feel. You won’t be able to argue it away - it is what it is. But just because you’re sad doesn’t mean you’re doing the wrong thing by your kid.
I quit my job when my first child was born and I’ve been home (with the exception of very part-time, flexible work) ever since. Aaaaaand…sometimes I feel guilty because I haven’t been a good role model as a self-sufficient, productive working woman! So you see, guilt comes in all shapes and sizes.
Crafter_Man, even though my husband and I weighed the same options and made the same choice your family did, your comment still gets my back up. I feel my choice was the best thing for my family, as I hope yours was for yours, but I feel strongly that just because it’s best for us doesn’t mean it would be best for everyone. Parenting is hard enough - it doesn’t help when the self-righteous look over other people’s shoulders and judge them every step of the way.
Yup, Aspidistra - I felt sad when I put my son in daycare, even though rationally I knew it was the right thing for all concerned; but I felt guilty when I was travelling away from home, especially knowing that the consequences of something happening to me in a dangerous place like Haiti would be far more serious now that I was a mother.
Aspidistra, thank you - that was a really excellent post and helped me put a lot of things in perspective. Maybe it IS sadness and not guilt - I’m not necessarily guilty because I need to work, I’m just sad that I don’t get to see him more during the week. I think I actually have a decent schedule compared to others (like my husband, who leaves at 7:15 AM and doesn’t get home until after 6 because of his commute), and I work for a very family-friendly company, so if he needs me, I go. In those respects, I’m very lucky.
It gets worse before it gets better. I never got completely over it. You have to tell yourself that you’re doing it for your child; not to your child. Your options would be 1) going on welfare (not a good example if you don’t need to do it) 2) you are showing your child responsibility and offering him the best life you can.
Most people have babysitters. That’s how our world works today. You aren’t doing anything wrong.
The mother of my son is working two jobs (and sucking up all the sympathy coming her way as a result). She is unwilling to give me access beyond a few hours on an occasional Satursay where I can play “uncle” but no more. Further access would actuallly help her (I’m free childcare and I’m flexible with times), but she places her hate for me over her love for her son (who loves me dearly).
So sometimes, guilt isn’t even a factor. I might be bitter, but I consider it a luxury.
Surely you don’t have to put up with that? Admittedly my kids are older and can do as they like but you are entitled to reasonable access.
I found, when I went through my divorce, that, because I had no money and no solicitor, I was treated really well by the Family Court and even by my wife’s solicitor. She complained at one stage that she was being charged fees for him to consult with me and explain what I was doing wrong. And she was right. The system bends over backwards for you if you are unrepresented.
Thanks mate, but it’s okay… I’ve given her a year to be unreasonable. She’s used the full year, and shows no sign of calming down. I’m just trying to get used to the fact that it’s last resort time, finally. Lawyers, NSW Sheriff, ATO, going hard, etc.
If you can, avoid lawyers. They are very expensive and like I said the Family Court is very conscious of not letting you be disadvantaged by your lack of representation.
Basically all the arguments are about property and custody/access and it ain’t brain surgery.
I’d recommend checking out everything with the Family Court before engaging counsel. They provide heaps of information and you can always change your mind at any time and engage someone.
Basically, I’ve received legal advice, and that advice is that I’d win. I also believe she’s not paying tax at her second job.
PRoblem is, I could shut her down, but we bought a $400k property literally the week before the housing crash (d’oh!), and now it’s worth about $320k. I’m liable for twenty or thirty grand if she goes under (she’s paying the mortgage alone). Still tempting though… I’ve been left with nothing, so bankruptcy doesn’t scare me, and it’d be worth it to see her go down. But I want the young bloke to have some money behind him when he’s older… If I act on my bitterness, I could turn him into yet another western suburbs son of a single mother…