Don’t you hate it when you are trying to make a point about someone doing something incorrectly, and in doing so, you become guilty yourself? I see that happen a bit on the board, with spelling errors, etc.
I was on my way home the other day, and had just stepped off the bus and was walking down the sidewalk outside a lovely Popeye’s Chicken franchise. As I passed, this woman was pulling away from the drive-through window, and was evidently entranced by her newly acquired bag of greasy poultry. She was not watching where she was going, and her car was rolling directly at me as I crossed in front of her.
I kept my eyes directly on her as I continued to walk, hoping she would look up and see me glaring at her, and feel appropriately embarrassed as she would have to hit the brakes to avoid hitting me. Well, she looked up all right, just in time to stop and watch me walk right into the EXIT ONLY sign near the sidewalk!
Damn it!! I bounced off and hurried down the sidewalk. I didn’t look back. I just hope that lady learned her lesson…
True story: About ten years ago I was at the gym, in my cute little gym-bunny outfit, trying very hard to use one of the Torture Machines. Cute guy is standing across the room, eyeing me intently. He saunters over, still staring. I am thinkimg, “Oooh, I am so hot, he can’t WAIT to use some pick-up line on me.”
He walks up and says, “Excuse me, Miss, did you know you’re on that thing backwards?”
In high school one of my classes was in another building. To re-enter the main building there were huge double doors. I had to go up about 8 steps…wide wide steps. It was winter time so everyone was hurrying. Of course I tripped going up the steps…and rolled back down in my big heavy overcoat. Do you think any of the jerks stopped and helped me up? No way they just stepped over me. I picked my embarrassed self up and continued on.
During the Gulf War, I was demonstrating how tight the safety pin on grenades were placed and that you couldn’t pull it out with your teeth like John Wayne did in the war movies.
Picking up one grenade, I confidently yanked on it with my teeth, knowing full well the government-spec safety pin would prove my point.
Of course, like any Roadrunner cartoon, the pin came off in my teeth and the spoon flipped and armed the little bastard. My class, without any apprehensions, dropped to the ground and fucked Mother Earth.
After pissing my pants and thanking God I did not eat a full breakfast, I chucked the live grenade downrange safely. No one was hurt, unless you count my reputation. I got stuck with the nickname “Audie Murphy” all through that damn war.
I used to memorize pi, like any good middle school nerd should. At one point, I had eighty digits memorized. (I think it’s down to sixty now.) Anyhow, around this time, my little sister made up a little song that she sang constantly and incessantly. It went like this:
2.14159
Won’t you be my valentine?
If you ask me, I feel fine
2.14159
I tried explaining to her that it was 3.14159. She said she knew that, she just liked it her way better.
Anyhow, one day, my friends decide to show me off. They had seen me recite all these digits of pi, and wanted to impress all the non-nerds. So they gather a crowd around, gesture for silence, and tell me to do my stuff. What do you suppose I say? “2.14159…” I didn’t live that one down for a long time.
An infinite number of rednecks in an infinite number of pickup trucks shooting an infinite number of shotguns at an infinite number of road signs will eventually produce all the world’s great works of literature in Braille.
Embarrassing stories? Let’s see, I’ve lived from the age of 11 to the age of 16. Thus, I was highly susceptible to embarassment. You don’t really want to hear 6 years worth of stories, do you?
One time I told a group of friends I had a big, hairy monkey under my bed. I don’t remember anything else of the conversation.
How many times have you been leaving the mall or MacDonalds and pushed the wrong side of the door? Or tried to push on the pull side?
Ever farted really loud at a party?
Don’t you just hate speaking really loud to get over the noise of a crowd, and say it right into a massive lull in noise?
I was in marching band all through high school, and I played bass clarinet.
During one point in the show my senior year, we high stepped - that is, instead of striding forward smoothly, you raised your knee up until your thigh was parallel with the ground.
I wasn’t section leader, but I was a senior, so I was responsible for keeping three or four other marchers in order. I was yelling at one clarinet player to step higher, and my knee hit the bell of my bass clarinet, slamming the mouth piece into my mouth and nose. I was lucky not to get cut.
The sophmore I was yelling at thought it was the funniest thing he’d seen all week and insisted on telling everyone who hadn’t seen it when it happened.
sigh
The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarous tribe now stacking wood at her nubile feet, when the strong, clear voice of the poetic and heroic Handsomas roared, “Flick your Bic, crisp that chick, and you’ll feel my steel through your last meal.”
Once, after a movie in a theater in N. Carolina, I went to use the bathroom. Looking around, I noticed there weren’t any urinals. “That’s peculiar”, I thought, and went into a stall. While in there, someone came in and occupied the adjoining stall. When I came out, my girlfriend was smiling at me with a strange look on her face. “Boy, she really likes me”, I said to myself, and smiled widely back as I approached her. Then she wordlessly pointed over my shoulder and I turned back… to see the Word ‘WOMEN’ on the door I had just come out of!!
I wonder what that other lady thought of my splashing?
When I was in the fifth grade I was on the safety patrol. It was my job to make sure all the kids crossed the street safely. I was standing there with my bamboo pole keeping about 10 kids from crossing, when this little black dog comes up sniffs my leg, hikes his leg and pisses on me! I don’t know if those kids got to school that morning or not. I ran all the way home and refused to go to school that day.
Had that happened to me, I’m quite sure my nick would’ve been something like “Nolan Ryan” after I set a new distance record in grenade tossing.
Brings to mind an incident in basic training where we had to throw live grenades. You’re supposed to hold the grenade the right way, throw it as far as you can, and then duck down behind the cement wall. One trainee got the first two correct, but then stood there so he could watch the detonation. The DI yanked him down by the collar thereby ruining the trainee’s chances for a Darwin award.
