So, you've inherited the SDMB. Do ya tell anybody?

So your crazy rich uncle that you never met before has kicked the bucket and left you the SDMB in his will. After you get over the shock that your crazy rich uncle happened to own your favorite message board, (I mean, really, what are the odds?) Do you tell any of your fellow Dopers?

Side questions not included in the poll:

Do you make any changes? (Lets assume you have enough cash to employ an army of IT guys)

Do you ban anybody by fiat? (Remember, no names. This isn’t the Pit.:))

To answer my own OP:

I would make a couple of changes. One of them being, I would set something up that would allow the thread starter to enable pics to be posted in that particular thread. There would also be a pic icon on the thread title indicating to the readers that this particular thread has picks in it. That way, Dopers who are opposed to picture threads can just scroll on by.

I would NOT ban anybody by fiat. (At least I hope I wouldn’t.)

I’m lousy at keeping secrets, so I’d have to tell.

And I don’t think I’d ban anyone outright, but I might not be above screwing with the accounts of certain people. (Gosh, I don’t know why your posts keep getting eaten…) :smiley:

If there was enough money, I’d like to permit some posting of pictures - like puppies and kitties. But absolutely no videos or animated GIFS. I occasionally visit one board that has animated smilies and I hate them with a hatred above all hates!!

I’d tell all my friends, and anyone who would listen! No one would give a shit.

I’d tell everybody on the board, while forbidding anyone to confirm it! So, of course, no one would believe me.

I would upgrade large, entirely unannounced or acknowledged, so it runs wicked fast, and everything works like it used to, but keep the interface completely unchanged just to confuse the hell out of everyone.

I still wouldn’t allow avatars or pictures because I don’t care for that. BUT I would never admit that, so everybody could still rage away.

Also I’d let people collect some kind of points for being civil, clever, funny etc. That they could cash in to vote others off the board for being annoying or dense.

And that’s all, because I am easily amused.

I’d upgrade the board and probably implement some of the various plugins and hacks that people have indicated a desire for over the years.

I’d bring back nested quoting.

I’d revoke most if not all of the pit language restrictions.

I’d definitely implement avatars but I’d do it silently just to see how long it took people to realize they’re an option.

You know, just a few minor things. Hardly anyone’d even notice.

“Dear Og, Banning somebody just because they drive a Fiat? Why that’s just Wrong! Haven’t those poor people Suffered Enough…?”

“No… umm no. Banning by Fiat means banning in an offhand manner… just because you could. It doesn’t mean they’d have to drive Fiat at all.”

“Oh. Well, that’s very different. Never mind.”

I’ll ban anyone who drives a Chevy Cobalt.

But I already own the board, didn’t anyone tell you?

I wouldn’t ban anybody, but I have made myself permanently unbannable, no matter how I transgress. I could pit you in GQ, for example. Not that I would.

I’d tell my husband, who’s also a Doper, but that’s it.

No other changes.

If I’ve got the money for a team of IT pros I’ll have the money to do away with ads. I am a charter member so I personally don’t see ads but it makes me mad that the board has such problems with malware from their ad networks.

Just because someone wills something to you doesn’t mean that you’re required to accept it. One way or another, it wouldn’t be mine by the next year.

Sure, I’d tell everyone.

I’d probably relax the rules in a major way, but no other major changes than that.

I wouldn’t tell anyone.

But I’d make it impossible to lock or move my posts. So I’d probably have to replace a few mods who would quit.

I would tell everyone but no one would believe me and that would be the beauty of it.
I would also take over Zottis account so everyone thought he was still the main man which would also help no one believe me.
I would keep the current mods as I think they are just fine but I would add more mods to take some of the burden off the current ones. Like maybe 4 or 5 mods per forum. I would try to get ones that compliment the current ones time wise. So if most are now in the US I would want to get some that would be from somewhere where when the US mods are sleeping the other mods are awake and modding.* I would make them communicate more in a fashion. Right now it seems like if a mod makes a decision all the other mods keep quite even if they disagree. I would ask them to speak up with each other if one thinks another mod made a bad decision. I would also get them some swag, maybe like $20 Amazon gift cards, each year as a thank you. Or as ZipperJJ says if I got the money for IT pros then I’m getting them way better swag like a $200 Amazon gift card.

I would upgrade the hardware and software and add some plugins, like letting someone know that the thread is a zombie and you have to click “I know, I’m not a moron but I still want to post.” before they could post.
I would enable everything, avatars, pictures etc., and add tons more smileys but I’d put all those as options in your User CP. So for those that would want to keep things exactly how they are can just leave everything unchecked and for those of us who want avatars and pictures ect could have them. They would be off by default and you would have to go and click to turn them on. I’d also have a thread where people could suggest new plugins or smileys.
There would be no rules in the Pit besides hate speech and threats of violence. You could Pit mods if you wanted. Civil discussion of mod action would remain in ATMB while flamefests would go in the Pit. The mods would not be required to read anything in the Pit about them, even the Pit mod/s. So if you actually think something was unfair or would like some mod action to change it would have to go in ATMB and have to stay civil but if you just wanna cuss out a mod have fun in the Pit.
I wouldn’t ban anyone and in fact I’d unban quite a few people. I would implement a punishment forum so if someone got too assholish they would be banished there and could still post but only there and then people would get to decide if they wanted to interact with the assholes or not. Also that forum would have my new Pit rules. Go crazy and call each other cunts and have a good time. Anytime a mod wanted to send someone permanently to the punishment forum they would have to get the OK from me.
I’d make an anonymous forum so if you just had to tell everyone about the awesome poop you had you could post it there without it getting back to your main account and embarrassing you, like it should.
Again if I had the money I’d do away with ads.
I’d let people have all the benefits, like post count, location, custom title etc. as a paying member. In fact if I had enough money I’d do away with paying.
I’d set up merchandise like t-shirts and mugs for people that want them.
I’d have a charity donation thread once a year where I’d choose 5-10 charities and people get to vote for the one they want and which ever one gets voted most popular I’d donate whatever money people donated through-out the year. I would show proof of my donating so people will know their money really did go to a good cause.
That’s about all I can think of for now.

*Seriously, I am surprised at how few mods there are. Wouldn’t more make it just plain easier for current and any new mods?

On April 1st I would send out PMs to everyone saying I was the new owner and also that I was a man, not a woman.

Welcome to the all-new, vastly improved Kunilou Straight Dope Message Board (KSDMB).

I will cheerfully agree to implement all the suggestions that have been made over the years. There’s only one condition. If you ask for it, you have to pay for it.

Considering the crap handed out sometimes to the Mods? Not a chance in Hell I would let anyone know.

As far as the side questions – one person may find themselves banned.

I’d do whatever it takes to cut the search repeat time down from 120 secs to 5 secs.

My, that’s awfully brave of you. May I be the very first to wish you the best of luck on your impending surgery? :wink:

I wouldn’t tell anyone but, on Christmas eve (damn, just missed it), I’d quietly bring back the old rolleyes. At first, people would react with disbelief - then happiness - then awe. Over the years, it would become SDMB lore: the board-wide gift that came from above. Mass religious conversions would take place, and future historians would mark it as the beginning of a new major world religion.

(Actually, there would probably just be a bunch of people complaining that wasn’t the :rolleyes: sooo much better. But shhh.)