Soccer team takes on 109 kids

The Game Room
21

All this means is that they don’t score a touchdown every play. Maybe.

How many kids would it take to jam a 6’4", 210lb receiver? If they can’t do that, it’s a touchdown every play. They need to jam them at the line and also get pressure to the qb before he can get a pass off to a receiver in motion or it’s a touchdown every time. If that takes too many players away from the line and there’s anything like a hole, then it’s a running touchdown on every play.

The kids would turn the ball over on every offensive play.

It’d be a triple digit loss.

22

Forward progress.

I still don’t think 10,000 kids on offense could score a touchdown. Someone’s going to fumble at some point, and 11 motivated NFL players could do some serious damage to those kids. The kids would have to be drugged up to keep from not stepping out of the way.

23

Well, the Real guys did it with Chinese kids apparently. Mass produced items are always cheaper.

24

And I still don’t see how 11 guys could stop them. Someone’s always going to be wide open; just lateral to them.

25

Because kids are really bad at lateraling (hell, most NFL players are terrible at it), one of them WILL fumble. And the more they lateral, the less forward progress they make - though that’s less important with a Wall-o-Kids.

26

The NFL team would probably get the ball right at the snap most plays. Wouldn’t need a secondary either.

27

With 10,00 on the pitch, they can’t get out of the way. You are talking about over 900 kids per player. All the kids have to do it take the snap and get the ball a few rows back from the line of scrummage. Then they can simply shove their way up the pitch.

28

Even the ones that do work only work if you follow the spirit of the game. For example, in basketball or soccer, you could hurl/kick the ball at the kids that eventually they are injured or just get the hell out of the way.

We had a sort of real life example of this once in an indoor soccer game. Our team was short of players because of an event that several of our teammates attended, so we “picked up” two kids that were sort of the gym rat offspring of the people who owned the place. We were playing a team that was essentially composed of the previous year’s Florida High School 4A champions. The game was evenly matched, mainly because the kid who was playing goal was just terrific. He got on every shot. Still, he was just a kid, maybe 10-11 years old. Not terribly big. After the first half the score was tied, 1-1. But in the second half the high school team figured out that if they just blasted every shot as hard as they could, even though he stopped the ball, the shot knocked him back into the goal. They ended up winning something like 6-1.

29

It’s funny that in the hypotheticals, the kids are just as talented as the players, except small. Well done Munch for noting that the kids won’t be able to lateral. Usually aren’t skilled enough to do much of anything, depending on the age.

I don’t think a hundred kids could even score a single basket against a Pro/college basketball team. For one, they can rarely shoot well enough if left unguarded. Second, you could stick Dwight Howard under the basket the entire game and not a single shot will even reach the rim (it isn’t goaltending until the ball starts coming down, which, when shot from 3-4 feet off the floor, it never really does).

Soccer might be the best possible chance for the kids. But only if you took out offsides.

30

Let’s break this down by categories.

Sports that separate competitors: tennis, badminton, ping pong, volleyball, darts, etc. These eliminate the possibility of swarming, so it doesn’t matter how many kids you have on one side of the net.

Sports where the offense is “unmolested:” Golf, bowling, horseshoes. Even in baseball, the pitcher has to throw the ball to the batter, and the defense can’t interfere with a runner. Ditto with every track and field sport I can think of.

I dunno. Maybe, tug of war?

31

Could 1 of 426 kids outlast any of the 43 Nascar racers?

I would pay to see that…it would be my first time watching that sport.

32

I see two possible situations:

  1. The 10,000 kids playing are kids, pure and simple. There’s absolutely no way they score, let alone win. So they kick off, and Devin Hester is back to get the ball. Sure - he’s not going to be able to juke his way around 10,000 defenders. But he’s not going to receive the ball - some linebacker/ST guy is, because a 9 year old kid isn’t going to kick the ball off more than 20 yards. That guy takes the ball, gets a good bit of momentum, and rams into a Wall-o-Kids (WOK) at full speed. But he doesn’t actually impact the wall - because these are actual kids, and they see a 220 lb. LB charging at them. They all step aside and try to arm tackle him from the side. Eventually they can’t get out the way fast enough and he plows through like 50 kids before being swarmed. But not until he’s made it to the 25 yard line. Maurice-Jones Drew continues to pound the shit out of kids, four yards at a time until they score. Even if the kids manage to hold them to a 4th down, it’s an easy enough field goal. The game is won either 3-0 or 7-0, because I honestly can’t see a way for the kids to score. The QB is going to get sacked or the RB tackled in the backfield as LBs jump over the “line” (WOK) every single snap, or smash through the line as kids jump out of the way to avoid being mangled.

  2. The 10,000 kids playing are mind-controlled, or miniaturized NFL players (i.e. Mini Ditkas). The Mini Ditkas are not afraid of making a tackle, know how to play, and act strategically. They roll.

33

Tennis is an interestingly gruesome idea. Nevermind the hilarious clusterfuck of 12 kids running all over the court, all trying to get at the ball at the same time, and the inherent racket-to-nuts action bound to be going on there - but how many 150+ kph serves you think a 10 year old kid can weather ? You’ll see limbs flying off before it’s done, mark my words.

[QUOTE=Shibb0leth]
The game was evenly matched, mainly because the kid who was playing goal was just terrific. He got on every shot. Still, he was just a kid, maybe 10-11 years old. Not terribly big. After the first half the score was tied, 1-1. But in the second half the high school team figured out that if they just blasted every shot as hard as they could, even though he stopped the ball, the shot knocked him back into the goal. They ended up winning something like 6-1.
[/QUOTE]

Heh, reminds me of high school handball. I sucked at it, as I did at every sport… except in the cages where I was a fukken god. Hand-eye coordination, bitches ! Don’t y’all realize I play twitchy video games damn near for a living ?!
Which usually caught the opposing team by surprise because, well, let’s face it, I’m still the nerd who finishes every race last. Pushover central man. First they didn’t even bother and threw half assed shots once they were past the D. Then then tried for real. Then they got pissed nothing was ever getting through.
Every time they eventually realized what was up, there was a change of tactics. Don’t try to score. Aim for the head and/or the nuts, shoot as hard as you can.

Goddamn but I loathed high school.

34

It should be noted that in the OP’s example of soccer, the kids did actually manage to get a goal in, and held the pros down to two goals. Even if it wasn’t quite at the point of being a fair match, it was at least tolerably close to it. Did the Real players just not think of the tactic of “charge at kids until they scatter in fear”?

And for net sports, if I were the kids’ coach, I’d tell them to just make an uninterrupted wall of rackets. Though I suppose the pro might be able to slowball a shot in just short of the wall.

35

I assume that intentionally running over people is some kind of a penalty.
As to skill level, the Chinese kids that Real Madrid played were not novices, but rather regular middle-or-high-school age athletes. For this hypothetical, we should probably imagine a similar skill level-- regular players with regular practices, not total novices or skilled pre-professionals.

36

it was a friendly match and most everyone was having fun, well except for the kids who didn’t get to touch the ball. Real scored 2 goals in the first half and was basically trying not to trample the kids for the remainder of the match.

i understand that the OP intended for the thread to explore the violent side of possible matchups but the linked game was anything but.
i’ll suggest a paintball match, recreating a zergling rush scenario. that, or a Takeshi’s Castle style challenge - a horde of children vs a giant in a Marshmallow Man suit.

37

Do you mean with all of the kids unarmed? Because if they’ve got paintball markers, too, then it becomes a marine rush, not zergling, and numbers will very quickly overwhelm skill.

38

I can never tell if people are being serious in these threads or not. I doubt that there was even a 30 second stretch during that match where more than one or two Real players was putting any effort at all into winning. The Chinese kids were just surging around in a giant mass, and a soccer pitch is a huge space, so Real could have just blasted the ball downfield and outrun the kids pretty easily. They didn’t, because they’re Real Madrid, and they were playing 109 children. I don’t suppose it occurred to them to press their advantage.

Numbers help in some ways, but not at all in others. I say unless there are so many children on the field that the professionals are physically encased in them, the pros kill them in any sport.

Basketball - two lines of children across the basketball court to try to take a charge means hello, unlimited uncontested 12-footers (and if they’re at half court, just run around them out of bounds, come back in, and throw it over them). If the kids try some kind of 20-30 zone (maybe a triangle and 47?), the pros can just slowly walk to the front of the rim, , turn, catch a lob, and lay the ball over the front of the rim, repeating as necessary. The ball never needs to be less than seven feet off the ground. Good luck inbounding the ball on offense, meanwhile.

Football - a serious competition would end after the kickoff either way, as each individual collision would probably have a 20% chance of killing the child or children involved, and a 60% chance of paralyzing him and putting him/them in a coma. The other 20% of the time the kid would run off the field before the full impact, and probably only lose a leg or something. 110 kids can’t block the entire field with their tiny shattered corpses. Ignoring the resurrection problem, every running play would start with seven 260-350 pound men crashing into however many 90 pound kids care to die for the cause, and then one of the fastest, strongest 220 pound guys in the world, with a running start, coming behind them. Somebody’s little baby has to grab that man and put him on the ground. I think he’s going to get a first down, even if it takes a while for his offensive line to carve a path through the ruined futures. On pass plays, pass interference would still presumably be illegal, so after one bump the wide receivers are running free in the secondary, and the kids have to make a play on the ball without hitting the receiver. Probably literally impossible. On defense: LaVar Leap. LaVar Leap. LaVar Leap. Blocked punt.

At a certain point, the extra people just confuse things, anyway, since only a small fraction can really be involved in the play at any given time unless, like Munch said, there’s some kind of hive mind at work. It’d be mostly kids milling around in the middle distance bumping into each other, and then a few kids actually trying and failing to make plays. Even in high school, when my basketball coach used to use J.V. and 8th grade players to put 10-15 defenders on the court to help us break the press, it wasn’t that hard to do, because they’re in each others’ way as much as they’re in yours.

39

i was thinking zergling, where they have to rush the bunker by touching it? but i think either way would be interesting. in a marine rush the bunker would be doomed, but the point then would be to see how many you can take down before that happens..

41

Yeah, it looked like any other schoolyard game of football, with hundreds of lads swarming the ball all trying to kick it. The Real players looked more amused than anything else. Even a well-disciplined 11-a-side team of slightly older kids could beat the horde if they put any effort into it.