Yes. Exactly. God I am so glad to hear others go through this. I thought I was a freak of the greatest magnitude.
Oh gosh, not at all. I think part of it is the body’s/mind’s way of keeping us aware; it kind of scares us out of complacency and lets us know limits. Like when a parent imagines something horrible happening to their kid, or you imagine a terrible accident because you’re not paying attention. It wakes you back up a little and puts things in perspective.
Some of the folks here who are wondering if they really have Social Anxiety may want to consider Avoidant Personality Disorder. It’s not quite the same thing, but it definitely features the part where stuff that seems normal for everyone else is monumentally difficult or downright impossible.
I plan trips to avoid left turns so I don’t get into situations like Hogwash describes where I’ll inevitably piss off some other driver. In fact, when I’m driving and realize the same car has been behind me for some time I think I have angered them and that they have road rage and are following me. (Even though there are only a couple of routes into my neighborhood and everybody coming home from work in the evenings takes the same way.) I have worked in the same office for five years but have never eaten in the cafeteria because I’m afraid I’ll have no one to sit with.
I can’t “meet someone at the bar/restaurant/coffee shop” because I will have a nightmare whether I arrive early and don’t know where to be so they will find me, or arrive later and have to search for people. I hate going to unfamiliar places with people I know because I’m afraid of looking stupid for not knowing where to pick up tickets or if there is valet parking or where the good seats are or whatever (although sometimes I can do such things if no one I know is around. Like in another country, for example). And then there’s the job fear, of what will happen when “they find out” how stupid I am (even though my supervisor is doing the paperwork for me to get a promotion this spring). Blah. Meds help a little, and I’m looking into CBT as well.
If it helps to know, sometimes it gets better.
I’ve known that I have a problem with depression since the early 1960’s when I was in my late teens or early twenties. But we didn’t talk much back then about panic disorders and anxiety.
By the mid-sixties, when I first came to Peabody College, I wouldn’t eat in the Student Center Cafeteria. I ate alone at a couple of restaurants across the street. But I did get involved with politics. I was on a first name basis with our mayor, Congressman and U.S. Senator, but afraid of meeting other students. It was crazy. It was as if I had to have a label from which to have an identity before I could interact.
When I took early retirement from teaching because of depression, I was aware that anxiety and agoraphobia were part of the problem too. I didn’t want to leave the house. For fifteen years I avoided leaving except when it was necessary. When I knew that I would have to leave, a kind of dread would set in the day before.
A life-long friend asked me to be a last minute substitute in a newly formed Bunco playing group. When she asked, I happened to have been cleaned up and willing at the time so I just did it. The other women were as forgetful and absentminded as I. Most of them were retired teachers too. I decided I could commit to once a month.
That was a couple of years ago. Friendships there have lead to taking lectures series at Vanderbilt and that has led to being in touch with friends from the early 1960’s. I’ve started attending a church that I like with old chums and begun making new friends and developing new interests.
This weekend two old buds and I are getting together for the first time in over forty years! One of them is the roommate that was my constant friend through my early months of depression so long ago when we didn’t know what it was all about. The three of us are going away from our comfort zones to a cabin behind the barn on a farm in the middle of nowhere.
Three salty old broads are taking a chance that “goin’ to pasture” is sometimes better than staying where it’s safe.
Some of this has been in spite of being rejected by part of my family that means very much to me: my stepdaughter (that I was going to adopt) and, because of loyalties, two of my grandchild. They all mean the world to me. But at the moment, there is nothing that I can do to fix it. At least I didn’t fall off the world this time when there was a crisis in my life. I didn’t shut down.
To the contrary, I think that you are fascinating! But there will be people from time to time that you may offend. Who knows? – I may even be one of them! We will probably tell you and then it won’t be any big deal. You seem perfectly capable of holding your own! You don’t come across as a know-it-all from my point of view. You come across as having many layers and much to share. Cool!
That is just inexcusable, but I know that it happens. I apologize for the bullies in my profession. We need higher standards, rigorous psychological testing and video taping of each class session. Teachers can be just as emotionally abusive as warped parents. I still remember humiliating things that a teacher did to me and to other students as far back as the second grade.
Although the damage was done to you, what was said had nothing to do with you personally and everything to do with how pathetic your teacher was.
Thank you for your honest and thorough replies. I want to continue to be a true and loyal friend and I’ve been reading as much as I can about SA. He says he’s also clinically depressed, and that sounds logical, considering your comments. What has been said here answers a lot of my questions and helps me to understand as best I can.
—JB
Zoe, thank you for your concern. Your apology is far from needed - I know it’s not the standard for the profession. Please be assured that I don’t think most teachers are represented by those people, nor do I let their image taint my view of teachers as a whole.
I’ll admit I have some issues with teacher’s unions, since that was a large part of what enabled such behavior in that school system, but again, I try not to let my specific negative views affect my general view of the group.
Ms. Meta, your description (and link) seems o describe me perfectly. As an example, I’ve been putting off going to the gym for months because I was afraid of not knowing how to use the equipment. I finally went, and used a treadmill, but now I’m fearful of going back to learn anything else. Crap like this infests almost every part of my life.
I want to get treatment for it, but I have no idea where to start! What kind of doctors should I be looking for? Do I need counseling, medication? What kind of doctor can help me determine what’s best for me?
I had EXACTLY the same problem at the gym. I wound up going at 4:30 a.m. so I could spend time on the exercycle and watch other people so I could figure out how to use the equipment. Similarly, I had to sneak over to my pool at the same ungodly hour to practice opening the gate latch before I actually went during the day where someone would have seen me fumbling with it. I am far more afraid of people I know (or people I don’t know but may be dealing with in the future) than strangers. I went to Russia by myself and was fine. Nobody expects much from some dumb American tourist, and my smattering of Russian vocabulary worked wonders. But I freak out if a friend wants me to pick him up at the auto mechanic’s.
Cognitive behavioral therapy might be helpful. You would probably look for a psychologist or therapist for that. A psychiatrist might recommend medication. In my case, I was already taking Prozac for depression and it was quite helpful, so the doc recommended doubling the dosage, as this is apparently an off-label usage for treating social anxiety. I wound up extremely agitated and scared one of my managers half to death by bursting into his office demanding to know why I hadn’t been given a particular job opportunity. Your mileage may vary.
I was diagnosed by a newly minted shrink who was excitedly leafing through his DSM-IV while I reeled off my symptoms. From what I have read, the incidence of AVPD is less than one-half of one percent of the population. It is somewhat difficult to distinguish/separate from social anxiety. Here’s a hint - if, like me, you’re terrified to stop at the receptionist’s window to schedule your next appointment on the way out of the session because you’re afraid of looking stupid in front of the staff, you may have AVPD!
Back to the OP, I’d suggest asking the afflicted outright what would help in a particular situation. If I’m with someone who knows my issues, and can tell me “Oh yeah, you go in that door, sign in there, and they’ll call you when it’s your turn.” I might be able to cope.
Start with your general doctor - get a complete physical to rule out other things like hypoglycemia, low or high thyroid hormones, anemia, etc. When you tell your doctor you have anxiety issues, she will probably give you a prescription for tranquilizers and an SSRI (Selective Serotonin Re-uptake Inhibitor). If you have a good doctor, she will probably also recommend that you see a counsellor for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) as well as the medications.
You can work on building coping skills and changing your habits while you’re on medication. You can also work on your anxiety disorder without taking any medications; there are many studies that find CBT as effective as medication in treating anxiety disorders. I will personally vouch for this - three years medication free now, after 13 years on various anti-anxiety meds. I will gladly provide cites on this if anyone wants to question how effective CBT is versus medications. Medication should be only a temporary measure, not for the rest of your life (like doctors used to tell me). Counselling should not be for the rest of your life, either.
I would also recommend anyone with an anxiety disorder to find a local self-help/support group to go to. It helps immensely to know that you are not alone, that there are many people who feel and think like you do, and some of them have fully recovered from anxiety disorders. Some have not; this is one area where you truly get out of it what you put in. If you aren’t willing to do the work, don’t expect to have super results.
There are also many good books on how to deal with an anxiety disorder - here are some that I recommend:
Self-Coaching: How to Heal Anxiety and Depression – Dr. Joseph J. Luciani, Ph.D.
The Power of Self-Coaching – Dr. Joseph J. Luciani, Ph.D.
From Panic to Power - Lucinda Bassett
The Feeling Good Handbook – Dr. David D. Burns, M.D.
Anxiety and Phobia Workbook – Edmund J. Bourne
Coping with Anxiety: Ten Simple Ways to Relieve Anxiety, Fear, and Worry - Edmund J. Bourne, Lorna Garano
Power over Panic - Bronwyn Fox
Hope and Help for Your Nerves - Dr. Claire Weeks
Worry – Edward M. Hallowell
If there is one thing I want to get across to people with anxiety disorders (some statistics say 15% of the population have anxiety disorders, and I believe it), it’s that you don’t have to feel like this. You CAN feel better. It’s not easy, it’s a lot of work, and it takes time, patience, and commitment to yourself, but you can feel better.
Social Anxiety Support Phunnies
Laugh a little, and know you aren’t alone.
Hey thanks, I truly appreciate this. I’ll remember it next time I get paranoid. 
Thanks for the replies Ms. Meta and featherlou.
How do I go about finding support groups? I’ve looked for some where I live (SF Bay Area), and couldn’t find any. How did you find your’s, if you don’t mind me asking?
I would suggest looking in the phone book, looking online, asking local counsellors/counselling centers, a local medical referral telephone service, talking to anyone else you might know who has anxiety issues. I had a hard time finding a self-help group, but I did find one eventually.
A quick Google search turns up these results:
San Francisco Bay Area Center for Cognitive Therapy
University of San Francisco Self Help Resources - they have an anxiety section mid-way down the page.
List of California Self-Help Groups - there are some San Francisco groups here. They might not be specifically for social anxiety, but they might be able to direct you to a more appropriate group.
If you don’t find one right away, don’t give up looking. It makes a huge difference to have some help and guidance working on these life changes.
Reading this thread is like looking in a mirror. As a child I went through a similar situation to OtakuLoki as far as school went and combined with a rather unhappy home life (walking on eggshells all the time, constantly angry and impatient mother, etc.) – well, I didn’t feel safe anywhere. Still don’t. **Gigi’s ** description of the relief of avoiding or leaving social situations is spot-on. And Hogwash, my idea of hell is a houseparty full of strangers that I’m expected to converse with too.
Logically, I know my fears are over the top compared to the situations, but I can’t seem to put them to rest. I’ll never be a social butterfly, but damn, a day where I am comfortable in my own skin would be heaven.
Someone up thread asked if there was a trigger at some point that caused social anxiety in the first place. I’d like to say it was when I was a kid. My brother is 10 years older than me and was off to university when I was 8, and he wasn’t around a lot as a teen, so I pretty much consider myself an only child at times. I never had any exposure to younger children until one summer my babysitter was also a live-in nanny for her sister and her two toddlers. Anyone who has been around toddlers knows how high-energy and demanding they are. I was a quiet kid who just liked to do my own thing, so having toddlers yelling at me and not leaving me alone freaked me the hell out and I locked myself in the basement after a week. It took me about 7 years of of recharging my social batteries before I could do things like sleepovers and parties again. Even now, after 5 or 6 hours with friends I’m ready to go home and get some alone time.
Before that, I was a happy and social kid. I was never in the popular crowd, but I had a bunch of friends. Then after the above incident I got so anxious my mom had to call up all my friend’s moms and tell them that I needed space and for their kids to just leave me alone for a while. I’ve never gotten those friendships back, but I’ve made new ones.
I like that phrase. My bf does not understand when I explain I have limited energy to spend with others, that if I do something with someone on Monday I cannot possibly have enough energy to be around someone else on Tuesday. Since he & I both work for the power company, maybe this analogy will work better!
It’s doubly-hard to look for self-help groups if you are scared about interacting with people, or about how to go about finding one. What will they think of me? What if I don’t have anything to contribute, and my thoughts are dumb anyway?
WELL, everyone in the group has been where you are, and facilitators are probably fellow-sufferers. They want to share what they have found and be helpful to the next person who comes along. There may even be the motivation as in 12-step groups where part of the mission is to serve someone else and make yourself available. Cry for help; someone will hear you and run with it.
It really is. It frustrates the hell out of me that so many people in my self-help group are so willing to settle for the anxious, uncomfortable life they’re making for themselves.
I have social anxiety (as well as generalized anxiety) too. It mostly gets triggered by certain specific situations.
Going to doctors is one of them- I’m absolutely terrified, to the point that I usually break down in tears at some point during an appointment, of the idea that they’re going to criticize and lecture me. (I’ve got a few tears coming now, just thinking about the possibility)
I’m also terrified, to the point of having anxiety attacks, by the thought of having to interview for a new job sometime this year.
I can’t stand having someone watch me do something, even if it’s something that I do all the time and know very well how to do- their watching me makes me nervous, which makes me likely to screw up. Worrying about screwing up makes me more nervous, and so on… (I notice that kind of feedback loop a lot in situations that make me anxious)
Don’t bother telling your friend who has social anxiety that his fears are groundless. He probably knows that, but the thing about it is, you can know, rationally, that your fears are groundless and it doesn’t make any difference at all to how you feel.
Anne Neville: Bay area too, eh? We should start an anxiety club, where we sit around and avoid talking to each other all day 