I have a very dear friend who has SA. Wondering what thoughts you can share based on personal experience. How to be a good friend, trust issues, romance?
Thanks in advance, JB
Yeah, I have it. Or at least, many symptoms of it (I have a number of anxiety disorders, they always seem to be shifting… originally I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety but later that was changed to Panic Disorder w/Agoraphobia and now it appears I’m dealing with Social Anxiety.)
What’s it like? Well. It’s hell. I can’t walk down the street or into a room with people in it without worrying I’m going to make a damn fool of myself. I have irrational fears, like sometimes when I’m in class I’ll have these horrible fantasy/daydreams about standing up and doing something insanely offensive, even though I have no desire whatsoever to do those things… a good example… I have a bit of a crush on my professor (not going anywhere… we’re both married.) So I’m sitting there thinking how dreamy he looks, and all the sudden this thought breaks in my head; “OH MY GOD! What if I just stood up in the middle of class and professed my undying love to him at the top of my lungs??! Everyone would think I was a horrible freak! I would be so humiliated!!!”
It makes no sense. I don’t know the guy enough to have real feelings about him. I have no desire whatsoever to do any of the things I was worried about doing… and none of it would have made rational sense. It was just a passing thought that turned into a crazy fixation that somehow involved me feeling humiliated. Next thing I know my body’s on total lockdown, out of control heartbeat, the whole nine yards. And you can’t get the thought out of your head, and the fear that you will be humiliated, and then you begin to wonder if people can tell what a horrible messed up freak you are…
Other social fears I’ve had:
–fear of saying something unbelievably racist (I loathe racism) and being publicly reprimanded for it (and spit upon.)
–fear of disrupting a session at Zen Temple with something like, “YOU PEOPLE SUCK!” (again, no rational reason–I’m a Zen Buddhist and love my religion to death, so what motivation I would have for doing this I don’t know.) I have a hard time going to temple regularly because the silence is unbearable for someone with Social Anxiety… there are far too many opportunities for me to embarrass myself there.
–fear of having some kind of turrets-like explosion of profanity
–fear of deliberately publicly injuring myself, i.e. standing up, screaming incoherently and slashing my wrists and having to be brought down by a team of three people and sedated and carried off to the hospital
–general fear of being disliked. If I hear someone whispering something I begin to worry they’re talking about me, like I smell bad or I’m a stupid arrogant bitch.
–fear of offending people with the posts I make on the Straight Dope Message Board (I’m not making this up. I can’t sleep at night sometimes because of this.) This very moment I am totally paranoid that everyone on the Doper boards thinks I’m a know-it-all freak and wishes I would leave them the fuck alone and stop talking so damn much.
–fear of revealing too much personal information about myself and being viewed as a whiny, immature, self-centered victim.
For a long time (not as much any more) I felt distant from people, like I couldn’t relate to them and they could never understand me. I felt my experiences in life DID set me apart from others and sometimes I felt they could tell exactly what had happened to me just by looking at me. I felt like a walking billboard for dysfunction before I even opened my mouth.
I have a pathetic social life. The social connections I do have are ones I’ve had for years… the thought of going out and making new friends is physically painful. It robs me of my energy. I loathe social situations. Malls and grocery stores and public transportation are at the top of my list. Oh, and class, attending class is hard too, especially the classes where a large percentage of my grade is participation.
If your friend is like most sufferers, she probably goes to great lengths to avoid meeting new people. Chances are she thinks “FREAK” must be branded on her forehead and everyone can tell there is something wrong with her. She probably also frequently feels out of control of her body and fears that uncomfortable feeling–the sweating, faintness, upset stomach, pounding heart, and everything else that comes with panic attacks. I’m not saying it’s ALWAYS that bad, but it CAN be that bad. I don’t know how extreme your friend’s case is.
Trust is a relevant issue, but I’m not sure if all Social Anxiety sufferers share that issue or not. I trust the people I am very close to… I don’t worry about making a fool out of myself in front of my husband for example (he’s seen me do that far too many times and still stuck around!) I tend to trust that people in general have good intentions toward me, but I don’t trust that the friendships will last and thus tend to assume the attitude, “Why bother? People don’t ever stick around so there’s no point.” Again, that could be a not Social Anxiety-related issue. By and large there is markedly less Social Anxiety when in the presence of people the sufferer knows well and trusts well. Generally the more people and the less well they are known, the greater the odds are of an attack.
If your friend’s not receiving treatment, I would strongly recommend it. Cognitive Behavior Therapy is extremely effective at dealing with anxiety disorders (by “effective” I mean there is a lot of research that shows CBT to be one of the few empirically supported treatments for anxiety.)… I just started CBT myself and after two sessions I’m LOVING it!
Romance… it will be a hindrance to the dating game. My husband and I were best friends before we fell in love, but even after we knew each other so well it was overwhelming. I have a hunch that most SA sufferers get the feeling that the people who like them really wouldn’t like them if they knew “the truth.” My attitude toward my husband at the time was, “You THINK you love me, but if you ever really realized what a crazy bitch I was you’d go flying out the door in a heartbeat!” I think people with Social Anxiety tend to not be able to view their own flaws realistically… rationally we know that everyone is flawed and no-one’s perfect, but emotionally I get the feeling that I am 1,000 times worse than anyone else and nobody who really knew me could ever love me.
Of course, my husband knows me better than anyone and he loves me better than anyone, too. So it’s actually just an irrational belief. I think if your friend ever voices these fears it would be good to remind her of all the positive qualities she has and point out that nobody’s perfect and nobody expects her to be.
A huge component of any anxiety disorder is unhealthy or irrational cognition. If you look up at my list of things I worry about doing in public, it wouldn’t make sense to an average person to worry you’re going to do things you have no desire to do. They take the concept of autonomy for granted. I am completely in control of my behavior, BUT when I’m anxious, my fear is about LOSING control. So I have the irrational cognitive belief that these things could theoretically happen without my consent. It makes no sense, which is why it’s called an irrational cognition. 
Another example of irrational cognition is fixation. It’s not just that you’re having the thought (everyone has bizarre thoughts from time to time, right?) but the meaning you attach to the thought. So anyone might have some random misfiring in their brain, “Huh, I wonder what would happen if I did this…?” Anxious people believe that thought means something about who they are.
Example: “Huh… I wonder what would happen if I told my professor I was in love with him? OH MY GOD WHY WOULD I EVEN THINK THAT? I must be the most messed up horrible person in the whole wide world? I don’t want to do that, I swear. Oh god, what if that happened? That would be so humiliating? Oh my god what if people can tell I just had that thought and they are all sitting here thinking I’m a total freak? There must be something seriously wrong with me… I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE!!!”
And then there’s the behavior aspect. The most common thing for anxiety sufferers to do is avoid the thing that makes them anxious (case in point: I’m writing this post instead of doing my STATS homework because I’m overwhelmed by the amount I have to learn for my exam next week.) The problem is, avoidance reinforces the anxiety-inducing behavior. If someone is afraid go to class because they don’t want to look stupid in front of others, the not going to class has an immediate benefit–it relieves the anxiety. But it also reinforces the behavior of not going to class, which then increased the overall anxiety attached to the idea of “going to class.” The true key to overcoming anxiety is to do things that make you anxious, and learn to accept those feelings of anxiety as uncomfortable, but essentially harmless.
Well I have to go do STATS now. I hope that helped.
Olives.
I don’t have much social anxiety, but I did have an anxiety disorder for 13 years. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) as Olive described works as well as medication for anxiety disorders. If your friend isn’t on it yet, encourage him to try it with a good counsellor as well as a self-help group (I’ve been going to a group for almost three years now - I’m a junior facilitator now). You have a fine line to walk with your friend - you need to be supportive and caring without crossing the line into enabling. It probably wouldn’t hurt for you to read up on the condition and the treatments as well, so you can avoid the pitfalls that well-meaning people may fall into with people with anxiety disorders.
I’m really glad to hear you’re working with CBT, Olive. It truly does work; when you’re ready to stop giving yourself anxiety, you will feel like the weight of the world is lifted off of you. You have an advantage over others who use CBT if you are already in the habit of meditating; I think meditating helps fast track CBT, because you probably catch yourself lying to yourself while you meditate (and anxiety is mostly based on lying to yourself - the big lie is that you can’t handle life and the things that happen in it).
Great post, Olives. Most people don’t realize how crippling a social phobia can be. A person with a spider phobia is able to function during that 99.9% of life when spiders aren’t present. But a person who’s terrified of interacting with other people can miss out on job opportunities, friendships, romance, and many other aspects of a healthy, happy life that most of us take for granted.
Thanks for the post **olivesmarch4th **, I’m dealing with some (what I would consider) serous social anxiety issues. I found your post to be very insightful!
olives, we’re all know-it-alls when you baah the same way as the rest of the herd, that makes you by definition not-a-freak
I know, it’s panic, so not-rational by definition…
baaaah
Heh. When I was a first year university student, I could neither bear to go to the bookshop to buy the set texts for the year, nor ask the way to my tutor’s house.
I was never a second year university student.
baaah! LOL
Thanks for all who posted here. It’s so good to feel that I’m not the only one who feels this way - and it’s a difficult concept to understand if you don’t suffer this way.
I’m at a point now where I need to make friends, potentially find a new partner, etc. and am remembering just how hard all these social situations are! Many’s the time I’ve forced myself to join some group, then snuck away early out of fear and anxiety.
J.
Would anyone offer what they believe may have caused their SA, if any incidents or situations can be said to do so?
Well, I was a very anxious child, which I put down to high expectations and erratic feedback from my parents. My father especially encouraged us to be different and always (and still does) look down on others and was incredibly critical of us. My mother was short-tempered and, in hindsight, probably suffering with clinical depression.
I think I learnt early on that I was safest in my own company. I think I avoided social situations, and, as a result, I wasn’t in tune with a lot of social behaviour. As an adult, I’m conscious that I tend to be quite sensitive and I often take people seriously when they are subtly joking. Also, I don’t know if it linked but I am very much the people-pleaser and, like **olives ** said, hate to think that I’ve offended anyone.
My main strategy for dealing with this is to try and make people laugh - I love company when I feel like I’m fitting in - and hate it when I don’t. It’s a risk everytime I put myself in such situations.
I have a mild form of social anxiety. Mostly, I get embarrassed and nervous really easily. I blush and sweat and stutter a lot when I’m in uncomfortable social situations, and sometimes making eye contact is hard for me.
I think mine was due to insecurities I have/had, probably as a result of bullying when I was younger, being insecure about my appearance, my voice, being bad at sports, etc.
I’m taking medication for it now that really, really helps. It has greatly improved my life.
In a nutshell, lack of self-confidence and self-esteem.
Uh… I had a pretty consistently abusive childhood. One of the abusive factors was my mother’s behavior. My Mom was extremely critical and anytime I made a mistake she was prone to violent and irrational outbursts. She would slap me around some, but most of the damage was taken by my bedroom walls, windows, anything breakable lying around on shelves, etc., occasional death threats, and one particularly memorable time she scratched my face so hard it bled. She openly admitted she wanted to scare me because it was the only thing that would get me to shut up. I of course completely believed myself to be responsible for her behavior, so whenever she did this I convinced myself that it was because I wasn’t good enough, and if I could just learn to behave better, it would stop. If Mom said I was a stupid selfish bitch who was killing her with my deplorably irresponsible behavior, then by gum it must be the truth.
I think the social anxiety thing grew out of the strange contrast between my home life and my school life. I would be subject to this abuse in the morning, go to school where everyone seemed normal and well adjusted, where everyone assumed that because I was a goody goody and a perfect student I had some amazing home life, and I would feel so alienated from everyone else. I couldn’t relate to the “loner” kids because I didn’t do drugs or self-destructive things to cope… I couldn’t relate to other over-achievers because they didn’t have abusive parents. It felt unfair, to me, to have to pretend that my life was okay and that I wasn’t absolutely miserable… I was supposed to smile and get all the answers right when what I really wanted to do was stand up and scream, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WON’T SOMEBODY HELP ME? Please???” At school, I frequently felt unbearable tension between what I was expected to do and what I really wanted to do. Then I would go home and if I was lucky, my Mom would pretend nothing had ever happened–and if I was unlucky, it would start up all over again when I got home, or she would have constructed some elaborate punishment or I’d have to listen to a two hour lecture about how if I ever talked back again they were going to throw me out of the house.
Later in life, around my senior year of high school, I lost about 20 friends when I ran away from home and my life, in essence, fell apart. People just can’t deal with that kind of drama. I disclosed some other abuse to my family (not my Mom’s, everyone knew how she was) and was as a result completely ostracized and even blamed for what happened to me. People accused me of lying, being schizophrenic like my crazy uncle, making it up to get back at my Mom or get attention and any other number of ways to discredit my experiences. I learned that the “blame the victim” clishe is absolute truth. It doesn’t matter how much integrity you appear to have, doesn’t matter if you have a record of never lying or trying to hurt anyone, doesn’t matter if you graduate top of your class–if people hear something that is inconvenient for them to hear coming out of your mouth, they will suddenly perceive you to be a lying whore. There are some who, if they truly love you, will just politely ignore what you said. I’ve had a very difficult time getting close to people ever since I learned this hard lesson. My perception is that 90% of the people you think love you would abandon you in the right circumstances.
It’s not pleasant, but I think if I had to identify a cause of my discomfort it would be just that total feeling of alienation coupled with a dangerously low self-image. Those things have improved now, as I’ve worked on them for years… but the pattern of worry continues.
Chances are if you met me on the street, you wouldn’t know I suffer Social Anxiety. I don’t really initiate conversation with strangers, but I appear to have normal to better-than-average social skills. I interview and do oral presentations very well (why? Because I obsess over them for weeks beforehand.) People might describe me as “quiet” but not, you know, a freak. That’s what’s kind of ironic about the whole thing. I have no real evidence to indicate people think all these horrible things about me… but the beliefs and the worries persist.
While it’s interesting to posit theories about why people develop their anxiety disorders, it’s not entirely helpful at fixing the problem. That’s why I like CBT so much… it’s very problem-solving oriented, very present-minded… it really doesn’t do me a lot of good to focus on the past all day, anyways. There are no circumstances in my life currently that could be viewed as traumatic. I have a fabulous life, for the first time ever I am reasonably financially secure, I do well in school, I’m madly in love with my incredibly supportive husband and very satisfied with my marriage… it’s just all that residual stuff, the unhealthy cognitions and avoidance behaviors, that need dealing with.
One of the reasons I’m so militant about the value of empiricism and rationality and evidence on this board-- is because my emotions lie to me about the truth all the damn time. I’ve had to learn to discount my emotional perceptions and evaluate concrete evidence against irrational beliefs in order to not get carried away. If I didn’t constantly test myself in this way, I’d be miserable.
Does that make sense?
Is it social anxiety if the thought of going out into a social setting fills you not with dread but
with a feeling of impending terminal boredom? I’ve never been anything remotely resembling
a social butterfly and cannot grasp the utility of such entities as “parties”, “raves”, “dance clubs”,
and so on. Not the same thing I guess…
I have had a case of social anxiety for my entire life. I would guess that my case qualifies as fairly mild but it’s been a noticeable factor everywhere I’ve gone.
I don’t currently see any psychiatrist and I haven’t for aboutfive years. That’s because of past experience. My parents sent me to many psychologists and psychiatrists throughout childhood and I saw several more in my college years. (I’m currently 24.) They various diagnosed me with social anxiety, autism, depression, and bipolar disorder. The inability to find any reliable diagnosis is why I stopped trusting the entire field. They also tried a variety of medications, which never helped at all.
Friendship with a person who has social anxiety poses some challegnes. For one thing, the patient may not respond e-mails or phone calls, or they may promise to contact you at some point and then never do so. Initiating contact by e-mail or phone seems particularly challenging because it’s an all-or-nothing thing; once the e-mail is sent or the call finished there’s nothing that can be done to change the message, and the patient may spend a long time brooding over the message. I used to reread e-mails that I sent ten or fifteen times in search of typos, never thinking that the receiver probably wouldn’t notice a typo or care if they did. Face-to-face communication is easier–this may sound counterintuitive–because the patient feels that they have more control over the situation and can correct a mistake if they make one.
A friend may suggest bringing the patient to a party, sporting event, church group, or other social event. This is a generally good idea but can lead to frustration. Sometimes the patient will respond with excuses, which may sound far-fetched. If so, there really isn’t anything more that can be done. Once at the event there’s the possibility that the patient may hang out ‘in the corner’ rather than participating, or may leave early. Trying to gently prod them into actually being involved is fine. I found that a church group was the most useful organization because they insist that everyone participate in all activities.
It is important to remember that for the patients the first time doing anything is the hardest. Once they’ve partcipated in an event one time, repeating it becomes much easier.
Thank you everyone for sharing. I am on meds for anxiety and panic in general, but untreated I certainly have elements of social anxiety/agoraphobia. It’s interesting to try to think of why, beyond whatever brain chemistry does. I’ve always been a fearful person, and the idea of the uncontrollable world is a tough one. In unfamiliar situations, or even just outside of my house, I think about getting home and being safe there. The tough part comes when you can control where you are and who is around and then your own internal mind betrays you. Then where do you go.
Part of it may be that my father was the dominating personality in the house and he was changeable. I was on eggshells a lot trying to figure out cues of what his mood was, and it wasn’t consistent. When I am alone I am in charge.
But I’m also afraid of being judged, and have the same paranoia about doing something completely inappropriate and not being able to take it back. The sense of the absolute, that there is doom you can’t recover from, so don’t take any chances.
My brother has some of the same issues even though we were born with very different personalities, and he reacted differently to my father, so I think it’s chemical.
I’ve said yes to things that seemed perfectly reasonable in the abstract, but when it comes time to do them I just couldn’t. I remember sitting outside a function willing myself to get out of the car and go in, knowing someone was waiting for me. Finally I gave myself permission to go home and the wave of relief was amazing. The funny part was I didn’t care enough about ruining things with that friend to overcome the anxiety.
I’ve also gotten myself to go to things and when they start feeling uncomfortable to me again I say, OK, I’m going to leave, and the relief and contentment of leaving is great. I’ve gotten to the point now where I make every appearance at a group thing tentative; if you see me there, I’ll be there, if not, not. I can’t describe what scares me about perfectly casual get-togethers with harmless people, but sometimes I just can’t do it.
I wouldn’t want to self-diagnose Social Anxiety as a condition, but I reckon that I share many of the symptoms.
I am a sociable person. While I can definitely entertain myself without trouble, I do enjoy a night out in town with my friends or a nice meal at a restaurant. Bars, nightclubs, the cinema, house parties - I enjoy them all. The trouble is, I only enjoy these things with people that I really know and who really know me. Although I’m happy to spend this Friday night with a few bottles of ale and an internet connection, I’d be straight out the door if my friends popped round and suggested we all go out. However, if someone I only knew superficially, like an old school friend, were to send me a text message saying that they were in town and were having a few drinks, and they wondered if I would join them, I’d feel very uneasy. I’d think of an excuse. I might not even reply. Suddenly, going out into town (which I’d relish if it were with friends) feels like going out into the freezing cold without warm clothes on. It’s physically and mentally draining. It’s exhausting.
I do not like social interactions with strangers. Note that I don’t mean all interactions with strangers. I’m fine with the checkout girl at the supermarket (in fact, I interact more than most: I smile, say hello, maybe make smalltalk). If a car stops for me at a crossing I have no qualms with making eye contact and waving thanks. It’s the social setting that kills me. To me, the idea of Hell is a house party full of strange people that expect me to converse with them.
I can not do small talk. I just can’t do it. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO FUCKING SAY. I mean, if we’re all discussing philosophy or religion or film or current events then it’s quite likely I’ll have some worthwhile input. But if you expect me to rattle off the same bullet points regarding my job and the car that I drive and all the other minutiae of conversational fodder then I’m going to struggle because that information bores even me.
I assume the worst of people. I assume that people are looking to trip me up, make a fool out of me. I bite my tongue, hold back from making wisecracks because if they misfire then I will end up looking like a complete and utter fucking idiot. Somebody at party could make a remark that has everybody in stitches. Rewinding time, if were to make the exact same remark, word-for-word with the same delivery then the whole room will fall silent and tumbleweed will blow across the carpet. The funny thing is, among my friends I’m usually the joker. Without sounding too full of myself, I can be quite observational, quite witty. While I wouldn’t say I was the funniest guy in the room, I’d assert that my sense of humour is ‘good’ and would pass the old lonely hearts ‘GSOH’ metric. I know it’s irrational to hold back just because the people aren’t my friends, but I can’t help it. I’d rather take the comfortable route of not saying anything than making a fool of myself.
The area of my life that my anxiety impacts the most would have to be my career. I’m terrified of getting a ‘proper job’ because I am scared to death of making mistakes. I am a computer science graduate with a degree from a fairly decent university. I could probably get a reasonable IT job without breaking my back. I just can’t see myself as a professional. How the hell will I know what to do? Most people have jobs and are in that routine where they know what they are doing. You know, the kind of smiling suited thirty-something in the commercial for Monster.com? I could never be that. I can’t see myself as being able to cope with a situation in which I might not fully know what I am doing. Everybody is nervous on their first day. That’s how I picture every day. How will I know what to do? What if they plunk some work down on my desk, expecting me to do it, and I don’t know what to do next? I’ll be laughed out of the office. Even though I was honest in the interview, they’ll think I’m a fraud. Other computer science graduates will able to do that, but I can’t, because I’m ME. How the fuck do people know what to do next?
I take criticism too personally. Hell, I take everything too personally, and too seriously to boot. Even today I was driving to work (decorating job for my dad’s property company) and had stopped behind a queue for a roundabout, right next to a petrol station. I left a reasonable gap between my car and the car in front so that people from the other side of the road would be able to turn into the petrol station without me blocking them. A few seconds later I heard a beep, and looked in my rear-view. The car behind me had its indicator flashing for the station, and the woman driving was obviously pissed off that I hadn’t moved forward so that she could turn in. I felt bad. It was at the back of mind for most of the day. But at the same time, if I’d have squeezed up to the car in front in the first place, you bet your arse a car from oncoming traffic would want to turn into the entrance and I’d be in the fucking way whatever I do.
I feel as though every post I make to a message board is going to be scrutinised to the utmost degree. I keep previewing to check for spelling errors. I don’t want to appear illiterate, but I also don’t want to come across as a pretentious bastard that uses flowery language to appear smart. Posts I have made to the Straight Dope might be at the back of my mind during the day. I am uneasy that when I get home from work there might be replies to posts I made in GD or the Pit and that they could be negative.
Like Olives, I keep running simulations in my mind in which I say really embarrassing things or do something particularly inappropriate. For example, if I am at the pub with some friends and a girl they know and a scenario might flash through my mind in which I say something like:
“Hi, I’m Hogwash. I like Pink Floyd. Hey, you should come and listen to Pink Floyd with me. We have a villa in Portugal, maybe you could come with me there on holiday?”
Or, while at my ex-girlfriend’s house, having dinner with the whole family:
“Yes, that was very nice, but if you don’t mind, I’d like to fuck your daughter upstairs.”
Or, while having dinner with my family and friends I keep thinking how fucked up it would be if I just grabbed my mum’s friend and stuck my tongue down her throat. How would people react? What would they say?
The thing is, I’m not clueless. I know what people generally find inappropriate or boring or embarrassing. I have no idea why, in social situations, I feel the need to run through such scenarios in my head. Perhaps it’s my conscience telling me that if I at least avoid those, then I’m not doing too bad.
I have problems with social anxiety, myself.
For me it’s far less worry about how people will react to some odd thing I might do, than simply a knowledge, in my gut, that I’m not really fit to associate with people. I don’t fit in, and trying to change it just makes me even more unhappy.
Mind you, it should be obvious that social anxiety is the least of my problems. Just a small problem with depression, too.
Anyways, for me I think a large part of what caused it was a pretty horrible, emotionally abusive school experience. Not a single incident, but seven years that I consider an emotional hell. The worst part is not that the other students were abusive, but that some of the teachers enjoyed using me for put-downs, too. I can forgive adolescents for being thoughtlessly cruel. I cannot forgive those teachers.
Anyways, because of that background, I have a mental self image that is pretty immutable, no matter whether it is agreement with reality or not, of myself as the fat kid who’s pretty much there to be abused. Right now I am medically obese. Grossly so. However, even when I was in the best shape of my life I never tried to get out with people, nor dated, because I was sure that any woman I was attracted to couldn’t be attracted to me. And trying to get their affection would just leave me in a position for further ridicule.
It is so bad that at my sister’s wedding this past fall I ended up having to run off before wigging out, because I’d so far passed my personal comfort levels of being around people. Granted this was at the post-reception reception, after about four or five hours of being around ten times the number of people I’d normally want to be around. Still the stress of simply being around these people was such that I literally went back to the hotel room and wept and screamed for about an hour before I could calm down. I never did go back to the reception.
And this was in a situation where the people I talked to were all pleasant and personable. I simply know I can’t have what I want, and wanting it and knowing I can’t act on that leaves me so depressed, angry and scared, that I cannot do anything but sit there waiting for the crowd to begin to tear into me, like a feeding frenzy of sharks around a whale.