Social anxiety is ruining my life

The BBQ Pit
1

I don’t really know why I’m putting this here. I guess it’s because I’ve been shot down for about the millionth time trying to get a job, I can’t sleep right now, and I generally feel like shit and need to tell somebody.

To introduce myself: I’m 20 years old, unemployed (actually I’ve never even had a job), and am a community college dropout. No friends, no money, no nothing.

All through my childhood and school I had trouble meeting new people and with large groups. Nothing could instill more fear in me than for the teacher to assign a fucking oral presentation or skit or some stupid shit like that. I’d usually just take a zero or happen to be sick from school that day to get out of it.

After high school my parents divorced and I did nothing for a year. 2002 was pretty much a complete wash for me. I was doing some work on my mother’s house, but nothing even close to having a job. Sometimes I’d be alone at home and too fucking afraid to answer the telephone or door. I would get a small panic attack just from hearing the damn phone ring. So like an idiot, I moved in with my dad and now step-mom last year. Now I live out in the country (not even in the city limits) where it is 10 miles to the closest Wal-Mart and the town only has about 16,000 people.

I was going to the local community college but was having trouble with a couple classes (not academically, but more personality-wise with the teachers and life in general) and stopped going to them. The trouble is that when I would go to the registrar’s office to drop the classes, I started getting severe panic attacks by just being near the building. My heart would start racing so fast I would feel like I was going to have a heart attack and I would start sweating like hell and I literally could not control my voice enough to talk. I must have walked by that fucking building 50 times before I was finally able to tell them I wanted to quit… about 2 weeks too late.

Net result: 3.75 GPA is now a 2.3-something, courtesy of two failed classes. Go me.

That was 6 months ago.

Now I don’t have a fucking thing to do. Nobody will hire me to what few jobs are available because I have no experience and I can barely fill out the application anyway because I don’t even know enough people to provide as references. All of this is assuming I can work up the ability to even ask for a job in the first place.

Fuck.

OK, reading through all this makes me seem like some freaky, anti-social, internet loser. Maybe I am, I don’t know. I have had friends and even a few girlfriends (all normal folks, I assure you), but it seems like ever since high school my life has been a complete waste and all because of this stupid social anxiety.

The thing is that I just can’t let this shit get me down.

I have an uncle who basically never left home and he still follows my grandparents around and has never really done anything for himself. He is 54. My other grandmother has spent every dime she ever had then borrowed way too much money and is living out her final years in a sort of self-imposed exile as her world crashes around her. She doesn’t even have running water or a working heater anymore. (We have tried to help)

Yeah. I don’t want to be like them, but damn it is hard.

2

Based on what you’ve said about your social anxiety problems, it sounds like the first step you should take is an appointment with a psychiatrist. Surely he could help you find something, therapy or a medication or both, to overcome this. It seems like that’s the only thing standing in your way here; you sound like an intelligent person.

College is not for everybody. Maybe it isn’t meant for you at this stage of your life. You can always go back to college if you feel you’re ready for it a little later on. The anxiety problems you described sound like the worst frame of mind to be in while in college. If you can resolve those, I’m sure you’ll have an easier time.

Don’t worry. You’re still young, you have plenty of time to sort this out.

3

A quote
“is an appointment with a psychiatrist”

Caw Caw.

You have pretty much described me in my early twenties.

All I can say is find something you like to do and make a living out of it, hell do what I did and take whatever job comes yor way.

Twenty years later I’m a contracter. I love my work. I get to improve peoples houses and their quality of life.

To think, I wanted to be a pilot when I was ten.

4

Sorry you’re going through this, ejtx. Professional help does seem like a good idea at this point, but it’s important to remember a few things:

Don’t put too much pressure on yourself. Don’t compare yourself to other people, or to your ideal version of yourself.

Your feelings of anxiety are not wrong, and they’re not an indication that you’re bad or worthless. Allow yourself to feel them, rather than pushing them down and denying them.

Anxiety like this comes and goes in everyone’s life, without exception. The successful among us recognize the feeling, and realize it’s only temporary.

Twenty was also my hardest year. My parents separated when I was a sophomore in college. I didn’t think it would affect me, since I was already an adult, but surprisingly it did, and I didn’t realize how much until years later. Also, around 20 you start to wonder what’s coming next. What’s being an adult going to be like? I have to make a place for myself in the world, how the hell am I going to do that?

Just let it be what it is. Things will be what they are no matter what. You’ll find your way, it’ll just take time.

5

The panic attacks you describe are exactly like the ones I experienced when my twins were born. My heart was racing so hard that I couldn’t breathe, could barely walk, and had difficulty talking. It’s not your imagination. My doctor put me on Paxil and within a week I was much, much better. If I’d known about Paxil sooner, I’d’ve been taking it when I was an adolescent suffering with many of the same problems you describe. You don’t have to suffer, it’s just a chemical problem that can be fixed.

My parents divorced when I was in my mid-20s, and now, 15 years later, there are times when I still feel the loss. Especially during the holidays. Losing a year or two is perfectly understandable.

You sound very courageous to me. Writing about your situation here is a wonderful first step. If you’ve lurked here a while, you’ve no doubt noticed that everybody is struggling with issues of one sort or another. Sometimes we all feel overwhelmed.

You are absolutely right that it’s up to you to not let yourself suffer. There’s a whole lot here to work with. You have wonderful potential. You write really well, you have some excellent insight, and you’ve done very well in some of your classwork. And you had the good sense to open up to Dopers!

I recommend taking one step at a time. First find a doctor to help you with your panic disorder. Then you need someone to help you find a path for yourself, a way to start and move forward. A therapist, minister, career counselor, some kind of mentor. Perhaps someone who will set a good example that you want to follow for a while, until you get your own momentum. Don’t worry about all the details at once - the where’s and what’s of your life will unfold once you get moving.

You sound to me like you’ve got an excellent handle on this situation. I think you have a whole lot going for you.

6

I’m sorry you are going through a bad time.

A family divorce is really upsetting, and if you don’t have many friends or successes, it’s hard to compensate.

Do speak to somebody about this. Other people have been in similar positions and good advice and sympathy will help.
It’s sadly very easy to get into a negative reinforcing cycle, where you think nothing will ever change.

Is there an interest you can pursue? Meet other people in a friendly atmosphere and do something you enjoy.

Is there a temporary job you can go for? Even a small wage gives you some independence and confidence.

7

Terribly sorry about the social anxiety ejtx. I know what it’s like. However you can, try to get some help, either professional or just someone to talk to. Posting here was a good start. This website is a pretty good place to talk as well. I’m afraid I don’t have any specific advice, other than not giving up. I’ve been to more psychologists and psychiatrists than I can count, and am currently on my 4th different antidepressant, along with Clonezapam, an anti-anxiety drug. But for the first time in a long time I feel really confident and positive about where my life is going. I haven’t had a major depressive episode or serious anxiety problem in over a month in a half. Even getting my car totalled by a semi yesterday didn’t phase me that much!

8

I’m sorry you feel so bad. I hope that someone on this thread is able to steer you to help.

Listen to the advice you get here. These people are smart!

9

I have it too. It’s milder than yours, but it still ain’t fun, and has at times been downright horrible, and life-changing (and not in a good way).

Lexapro has helped me a lot. I’m also on a waiting list for low-cost counselling (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy has helped out a lot of people with this condition).

Also, you can meet a lot of kindred, supportive souls here.

Good luck. You really don’t have to live like this.

10

I can relate; it’s no joke. I’ve suffered with social anxiety and panic attacks (without depression) for years. The worst thing about them, for me, is that I know what it is and yet I can’t do anything to prevent one occurring. It became so bad at one point that I didn’t leave the house if I really didn’t have to. I could function at work and grad school, but a trip to the grocery store could end up with me abandining a full cart of groceries and fleeing the store. Elevated heart rate, difficulty breathing, cold sweats… And it’s very difficult to explain to people who have never experienced it.

Alcohol consumption can make it worse.

I’ve found a couple of things that can help. One, talk to your doctor. I take a very, very low dose of Xanax on an as-needed basis. It’s just enough to take the edge off without any noticeable side effects.

Two, meditation and visualization worked for me. YMMV.

There are a lot of good on-line support groups for anxiety and panic disorders. Check a few of them out . And good luck.

11

And trust me, my friend, you’re not alone. There are a lot of us (anxiety sufferrers) out there. Everyone has experienced something like this at one time or another…“stage fright” is a good example.

12

ejtx, I’ve had an anxiety disorder for about 14 years now, and first I went the medication route, and now I’ve discovered that you can actually recover from anxiety with cognitive therapy, self-help, bibliotherapy, and a lot of hard work and patience, and I’m currently working on that. Medication worked well for me for a long time, and now recovery seems to be working well for me. You can go either route, or you can do both. Just make sure if you go the medication route that you also do cognitive therapy as well. If your doctor doesn’t know about this or advise it, get a new doctor. I feel like I wasted 13 years just taking pills when I could have been working on recovery a long time ago.

(Oh, for the record, you’re completely normal, and what you’re experiencing, while it feels horrible to you, is also very common. Buck up, my friend - this is a fixable problem.)

13

Thanks everybody.

I was having sort of a “posting hangover” from putting this up here, but you guys (and ladies) have made me feel better.

I’ll be looking at getting a job delivering newspapers later today. I was avoiding it because I’m not too sure how well my car will hold up, but I guess something is always better than nothing. And there really isn’t much else around here.

I may look into going to a doctor when I have the cash. Right now I don’t have any kind of health insurance or much in savings.

And Opus, man, sorry about your car! Scary stuff. At least you are OK; that has to mean something. Take care.

14

Try taking your college courses over the Internet. There are several excellent plans where you can earn your degree and the only time you’ll have to set foot on the campus is to get your diploma.

As far as the anxiety attacks go, I strongly suggest counseling. And believe it or not, martial arts lessons will help as well. When I started Taekwondo training, I had a lot of similar problems to yours. I don’t any more and I credit my training for helping me to overcome them.

15

I hope you stick around here, ejtx; you sound like an interesting person. I like your attitude. Something is always better than nothing & delivering newspapers sounds like an excellent start.

16

ejtx, I’m the same age as you and I don’t have the greatest social life either. Just try to keep your chin up and keep moving forward with your life. It’ll get better. I don’t claim to know all the answers, but I keep reminding myself that I’m young, I’ve got lots of years ahead of me and lots of living to do. So things don’t come easy right away? You’ve got years to get the knack of it.

I was really depressed about turning 20 until I talked to my friends, who are in their mid-twenties, and they all said your 20s are a thousand percent better than your teens. So I’m looking forward to them now.

Also, if you really just need someone to talk to, you might try finding the # of a local crisis or counseling hotline.

17

This is part of what’s difficult–there’s nothing to be afraid of and you’re afraid anyway, and how are people going to understand?! I even forget just how horrible panic attacks can be (I’m on a low dose of Lexaro to “take the edge off” the panic) until I have one. You think you’re going nuts and are afraid people will reject you for it, and the fear compounds itself.

There is help in many forms, and many people who will understand. Good for you for recognizing your issues (I’m convinced many people engage in other behaviors to avoid this anxiety and fear) and being open to working on them.

18

Wow. I’m amazed at how closely your situation mirrors mine. I have a job now, but up until a few months ago I never had a “real” job in my entire life. I’m also a community college dropout. Oh yeah, and a virgin.

Don’t feel too bad about your situation. You’re not the only one.

19

These folks might also be able to refer you to low-cost treatment options.

20

Even down here in the bayous, we have free/low-cost mental health care… my BIL is seen by a psychiatrist and gets his meds very cheaply. (The fees are sliding scale based on income, and his income is fairly low.) Look in the government section of the phone directory (the blue pages). The mental health unit here is listed under state government.