at work? at school? at home? in the neighbourhood? Any group of people that you are member of will do.
I am largely oblivious to my status… i don’t think about it. The problem with that is that - most likely - my subconscious is keeping score. Going by the labels that society has decided to give me, I rank low. It should not matter to me, and I am usually successfull in my mission to completely ignore the subtle(or not so) ambience that is manifest in any group. Subconsciously and consciously, if there is real difference at all. Neuronal plasticity, maybe. It’s too bad that even if I could rectify most of the obvious problems, there would be those remaining few that are impossible to put down.
i can’t wait to be God of my very own virtual universe…
I used to think about it a lot, and then I realized it just didn’t matter. And after a while I managed to purge it from my subconscious too. I rank high with the people I want to rank high with (boyfriend, friends, family), and that’s all that counts.
In “reality” I suppose I rank pretty low socially–few friends, I don’t go out a lot, I’m dorky as hell–but it’s at least partially because I just don’t care about being well liked or popular outside my small social circle and so don’t make any effort in that direction. I have better things to worry about. I’m where I want to be, and if people have a problem with that…fuck 'em.
I’m officially fuckin’ crazy, paranoid schizzy with delusions of grandeur, to be precise…
(ok, that’s bragging, I did bag that diagnosis but I also have bipolar disorder and some lesser stamps like borderline personality disorder and schizotypal personality disorder in my collection).
…where I stand, almost always, is on the outside looking in with a mixture of longing to belong and rebellious assertion of my differences, both heavily muted by my cautious shyness.
Ranking generally doesn’t matter or apply. They’re playing Monopoly or Risk and someone’s ahead and winning, but it’s their activity and not mine, it doesn’t occupy my interest and doesn’t seem often to be the major determinant in how I’m perceived, either.
How YOU doin? The last Doc I went to said, “OK, so you hallucinate. Do you get much sleep?” “No. Maybe 3 hours a night…in 30 minute bursts” “And this has been going for what, 25 years?” “Yeah.” “I think you’re just bipolar and have a crummy lifestyle with too much stress. Take these, stick to this diet, stay away from your ex and see me in 4 months.” We’ll see.
Heirarchy? Softball team - manager Work - go-to guy for my peers, The Fixer for my bosses. Home - King of my castle (but I have no court apart from a dozen fish, and they’re not much use)