Some crazy Junk Mail for Jeezus!

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I got this excellent junk mail today! First of all, on the back, it has this prayer written out to Jesus, 'bout how they [the people sending the mail, I guess] were praying most fervently that the person who opens this envelope be blessed with joy and health and that they be blessed financially with a new car.

The contents just got weirder. Turns out that “St. Matthew’s Churches,” which is “a very old Church (56 years!)” wants to pray for little ol’ me! And they want me to pray, too! They have, in fact, sent me a prayer rug that is “annointed with the power of Jesus Christ!” And indeed, the envelope contains an 8 1/2 x 11 paper prayer rug, printed with a nifty rug border and a painting of Jesus.

It gets better.

I’m told that I should kneel on this prayer rug or place it across my knees (but my knees must be in contact with the rug!) and pray for whatever I need: happiness, healing of family communications (?), or a new house. Yep.

Oh, also, I should put a Bible open to a passage in Phillipians (darn it, forgot which one—something about Jesus seeing . . . something) on the rug or under the rug, or under my bed (but for one night and one night only, because “God sees!”)

Now, this rug is not a gift, ladies and gentlemen, it is a loan. They are most firm about the fact that I must return the rug, along with a form where I have checked off what I have prayed for. (If I prayed for money, there is a blank in which I am to fill in the amount prayed for.) And then they will pray for me. A business-reply envelope emblazoned with inspirational messages is, of course, enclosed.

Okay, I’ve saved the best for last.

The Jesus on the prayer rug has His eyes closed, but as I pray, the letter assures me, His eyes will slowly open to show me that Jesus sees my plight!

Frankly, I’m a little scared to try it—though it could be fun, like playing “Bloody Mary” at a slumber party. The paper doesn’t look doctored in any way that I could notice.

When I was reading the letter, I kept waiting for the part where they ask me for money, and it never came! For a while I was rather charmed that they’d go to the trouble of sending me a magic prayer rug without asking for anything in return, except that they want their rug back, naturally, on account of it being a Most Holy Artifact. Then it occurred to me that if they get the rug back, they’ve made contact with a Genuine Sucker, and the milking can begin. A quick search online reveals that this is a scam, not associated with the real St. Matthews Churches, and if I return my prayer rug, they’ll ask me for money. Bummer.

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Well, obviously you shouldn’t send it back. But you should pray with it like they tell you to, just to see if Jesus’s eyes open.

Because, you know, that would be cool.

3

Ok, i got this once. And for some reason, it really annoyed me. I think tis is the kind of stuff that gives small children nightmares.

So - this is the only time I’ve done this - I stuffed all my other junk mail in the envelope and mailed it back, with a note saying “Thanks! Jesus freed me from junk mail!”

Funny, they haven’t bothered me since. Maybe it worked. :wink:

4

Knowing the current state of my soul, instead of Jesus opening His eyes I’d probably be treated to a vision of a yawning pit opening beneath me to reveal the fiery torments of Hell which await me on Judgement Day.

Not that that wouldn’t also be cool.

5

Wow, I never get cool junk mail like that! All I get is credit cards and missing kids!

You gotta keep us posted on the Jesus-eye thing.

6

Man, I never get anything cool like that either. All I get is this one dolt from the Dove Society who calls every other month.

Personally, I’d love to get that prayer rug. I’d take photos of that prayer rug, say, next to an enormous stack of porn and empty beer bottles. Sticking out of my pants. Floating in my toilet boil. Then I’d send it (and the photos) back to them.

7

Podkayne did you get a separate little brochure full of “testimonials”? It’s damn funny. A friend of mine got this gem of a piece of junk mail too and has made it his personal quest to make photocopies of the prayer rug, letter and brochure and hand deliver to each and every one of his friends. As he put it: “You just can’t keep comedic gold like this to yourself.”

The brochure gives wonderful testimonies as to the effectiveness of the prayer rug. “I prayed for and received $10,100 and my husband went out and bought us a car.” “I received 62,101.63, enough to pay off all my debts and buy me a car.” “I received 49,016.24 and bought me a house and a car.” I swear every single one of em ended with “and we got us a car.”

Gold. Pure. Comedic. Gold.

8

You know what I’d do?

Scan the “prayer rug” into my computer, photoshop it so Jesus’s eyes ARE, in fact, open, print out the altered version, and send it back to the scammers along with a letter of glowing thanks and praise.

9

I can think of several possiblites.

One, Jesus’ eyes appear when you apply the heat or pressure to the tissue paper rug.

Two, Somehow those people will use your knee prints to do something bad like steal your identity.

Three If you do the scan/add eyes/send back, make his eyes crossed.

Four A while back I had a nasty browser hijacker and one of the places that kept coming up was for “Christian Mortages”. Christian Mortages. The fact that Christians hijacked my web browser to lend me money at interest really bugged me, so I sold my soul to Satan.

10

Did the letter start off with “Dear Sir or Madam:” ?

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:eek: I hope you’ve informed the proper authorities about the kids in your mailbox. How do they fit them in there, anyway?

I obviously don’t need the prayer rug as I am going straight to hell for that…

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They fold, spindle, tear, and mutilate them, of course. I’m awfully tired of hosing missing kid parts out of the mailbox, let me tell you.

13

People are mailing you missing kids? :eek:

I hope you’re finding them good homes…

14

Stangely enough, it’s addressed to, “Dear. . .Someone Connected with This Address.” Emphasis all theirs, believe me.

The testimonials are pretty funny and creepy. Apparently, God only blesses people in amomunts between $5,000 and 46,880.20. Nobody who prays on the rug hits the lotto jackpot or anything. Actually, now that I think about it, they never say where these financial blessings come from! Just “GOD BLESSED ME WITH OVER $5,0000.00” and “GOD BLESSED US WITH $10,700.”

They say like twenty times in the letter that they need the prayer rug back so they can send it to bless another person. Yet the one I got is all crisp and brand-new. Huh. I guess I’m special!

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I have one of these.

The eyes are printed as both opened and closed. The letter relies on the power of suggestion-hoping you’ll see the eyes as closed before praying and opened after.

And yes, I did keep it so that I could scan it in and make a Cthulu prayer rug.

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Of course, you will need a non-annointed paper Jesus mat, as a control.

17

I just got this in the mail too.

Research found me this site, and this site,and their official web site which makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

18

Oooh! I got that one a while ago.

The ‘rug’ is now hanging up on my dorm wall, along with the letter. My roommate (who is christian, btw) says it freaks her the hell out.

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Perhaps that’s because whenever her knees manage to touch it, she can’t help but say “Oh God! Oh God! Oh Yes! Oh God!” :wink:

20

::snort::

Excellent response.