The best response I ever gave to junk mail

I thought this was fun enough to share.

About a year ago I got the creepiest junk-type mail ever. When I opened it up, a whole bunch of religious stuff fell out, which isn’t a big deal, until I saw what was next.

A paper “Prayer Rug” with a picture of Jesus on it with his eyes closed. The letter enclosed said that this had been forwarded on from other people (Funny, it looked brand-new) and that I should kneel on it and pray to Jesus. And I would see his eyes open. :eek: Then I should ask for something, and it would be granted. When his eyes opened, I should forward it on to another one of my friends!

For some reason this really skeeved me out. So I came up with a great idea. I took all my junk mail from that week. Stuffed it all back into the envelope the prayer rug was supposed to go on to the next person in. Sent it all back to the company…

with a big note that said -

“This really works! Jesus cured me - of my junk mail!”


For some strange reason this made me channel Ned Flanders from the Simpsons, the episode when Homer sues the church and wins.

“You lie! That’s a lie! Why would you lie like that?!?!?!”

Oh, man. I’ll go you one further.
I got the same letter this past year. I kept it around for a little while to show my buddies. We got a little kick out of the literature, the pictures and the Jesus prayer rug. But.
I, being the asshole that I am, and as it was my last semester of college I was drunk as frequently as possible, was in said state of inebreation while in possession of said prayer rug.
I burned out the eyes of the Jesus prayer rug with a cigarette. :cool:
And I mailed it back. I still don’t know if anyone else actually got that thing or if someone checks it thoroughly before sending it back out. How’s THAT for karma?

Ah yes, the paper prayer rug. A friend of mine got one. He kept it. He entertains his guests with it. He pulls it out and “prays” on it. Actually he pulls it out and calls down plagues upon people who piss him off. It even kinda worked on me when he called down a plague upon me. See, the next afternoon there was this swarm of gnats around the door to my back porch. I called him to tell him about it. His response? HAH! That’ll learn ya to piss me off! :smiley:

Swampy, I really do love you. I see why everyone else does, too.

I got one of these tacky things, too about a year ago.

What sort of messed up shit is that? Are they trying to trick you into praying to Jesus by taking advantage of your greed?

Oh, no, I’m not praying to Jesus as some sort of genuine spiritual experience. I’m praying for a Playstation 3. Screw that ‘world peace’ crap.

Aww thanks Anaamika. I guess this means you won’t be sending plaques of gnats upon me. That makes me feel good. :smiley:

How would that work, anyway? Would you just slather the plaque with glue and then fling a bunch of gnats at it, or do you glue them on individually? Or maybe pins are involved? Where would you hang such a thing? Would it have a little engraved plate on it?

Enquiring minds want to know. :smiley:

Sweet Staring Jeezus! How common is this?

Apparently they changed the vB code without telling me. Link gefixed.

Heh, I got one of those earlier this year. I should have kept the “prayer rug”!

A plaque of locusts upon you and your household. Engraved even. :stuck_out_tongue:

I think we should send these prayer rugs to each other. Only, you know, Doper-fied. I’m sure us blasphemous heathens wouldn’t mind.

Wolfstu, I’d forgotten I told a briefer version of the story in there, too. Not sure what made me think of it after all this time.

swampy, you’re just game for the typos aren’t you? Either you’re making them, or they’re being made about you.

I’m just plaqued with em, I tells ya! Plaqued!

After dear old Grandpa Mercotan, a staunch Republican, died, we continued to get political mailings addressed to him for quite a while. (We live at the same address he used to live at) My mother would faithfully take each solicitation, write something like “Deceased - please return to sender” on the front, and send it back. We kept getting mailings, though, and she got progressively more annoyed with them. It wasn’t fun to be randomly reminded of his death, especially not by people asking for money. The polite little notes on the front eventually progressed to things like “DEAD - REMOVE FROM LIST!!!”.

Then one day, before the 1996 election, we got yet another mailing from Bob Dole. The front of the envelope asked my grandfather,
Will you help me defeat Bill Clinton?

My mom, sensing her opportunity, grabbed a big sharpie and replied:

Sorry Cabdude, it’s only a Playstation 2, but here you go.

It seems a bit creepy to be kneeling on Jesus’ face. What if you’re wearing a skirt when your prayer finally gets through? Are they saying Jesus is some up-skirt cam perv or is a peek at your undies reward for granting the prayer?

I can’t help but feel slightly insulted that I haven’t received a Jesus Kneeling Rug[sup]TM[/sup].
I’d be willing to give a mailing address should someone find themselves with an extra one…

Do they look like this one? - sort of Osama Bin Jesus.