I got snail-spam today from some “church” in Tulsa. Where they got my name and address, I have no idea, but the envelope held a letter, a smaller sealed envelope that I was not to open “until the appointed time - 24 hours from now,” and a postage-paid return envelope for me to send them “seed money” that will get my blessings started.
The letter is curious. It’s one of those that are printed with red underlining to make it look as though someone has underlined stuff by hand with a red marker, but it’s all seemingly random. Example:
"To Somone Connected to This Address:
“We feel that fate laid it upon our spirits to mail this letter to this address, as your spiritual sign that between today and the 27[sup]th[/sup] of next month something good can begin for you.”
…
“Tonight, dear friend, before you go to sleep, place the sealed, seven, lucky revelations under your pillow. Do not, under any circumstances, open the seven revelations until you have answered this letter.”
And so on. Of course I opened the seven revelations immediately; they’re things like, “YOU ARE CHOSEN BY GOD FOR A SPECIAL PURPOSE” and “POWER TO SPEAK BLESSINGS INTO YOUR OWN LIFE IS NOW BEING REVEALED TO YOU” and, wait for it, “SUPERNATURAL EVIDENCE OF GOD’S FAVOR CAN COME TO YOU A A RESULT OF YOUR SEED SOWING INTO HIS KINGDOM.”
Anyway, what’s weird about it is that it all seems very professionally put together, but it’s so close to incoherent at the same time.
My question, though, is this: What should I put in the postage-paid return envelope before I send it to them? I considered a pornographic picture of some kind, but I think that might be a felony. I also (very briefly) considered an overly literal interpretation of sowing my “seed” into the kingdom, but that’s pretty disgusting.
Maybe I should get a flyer from an Orthodox Jewish synagogue and put that in there? Or maybe download and print out a Mapplethorpe? Think outside the box (and inside the envelope), folks, and let’s hear your suggestions.