Some like it hot (a jerky tale)

Driving along the highway yesterday afternoon, I saw one of those jerky stands at the side of the road (a reasonably common sight in Texas) and did what I always do. I kept driving.

But I’ve often been curious. I’ve wondered: what kind of jerky do they have? Is the guy who actually made it sitting out there and selling it? Am I going to get a great deal, like from those watermelon trucks?

So I said to myself “neuroman, pull it together. Work up some courage, and go right back to that jerky stand and ask her out, er, I mean, buy some beef jerky.” Turning the car around at the next intersection, I backtracked the mile and a half I’d travelled since thoughts of jerky curiousity had first popped into my head.

The cowboy hat wearing middle-aged guy at the stand had a nice selection of pre-packaged beef jerky, made in Plfugerville, laid out on the table. Regular, pecan, cranberry pecan, chipotle pecan, chipotle… hmm, what’s that one? Habañero? I’m a total sucker for spicy food, so I asked for a sample.

“Watch out,” the gentleman warned. “It can get pretty warm there near the end.” He wasn’t kidding. After about ten seconds, my mouth was blazing and my eyes were watering. I loved it. I bought a package (a bit overpriced IMO, at $8 for 3.5 ounces) and ate a little more of it on the rest of the drive home. Mmm, spicy and delicious.

*. . . twenty hours later . . . *

Piquant smells and old familiar rumblings told me that now was the time to answer nature’s call. Walking along the corridors of my office, I found the bathroom, entered it, and dropped trou.

Whereupon my arse was immediately lit ablaze with the orange hot heat of a thousand smoked peppers. My rectum was en fuego, and it was a five alarm fire. The pain, O, the pain. Montezuma’s brother-in-law, Chilidillo, was extracting his terrible revenge on my poor beknighted bum. Even now, half an our later, it feels like someone took one of those injury heat wraps and shoved it straight up my glory hole. I had to get a hazmat team just to wipe my ass.

The moral of the story is: don’t buy expensive habañero beef jerky from roadside stands in Texas unless you’re willing to pay for it in blood.

I also had a question, but I wasn’t sure if it was GQ worthy. Is it safe to apply milk of magnesia directly to one’s bunghole?

That was freakin’ hilarious. As a connoisseur of hot & spicy things I can feel your pain. Add to that the fact that I just had some really good (and spicy) beef jerky just this morning and now I’m a little hesitant to answer that call. I don’t know if you have children, but those little baby wipes are very soothing.


Wierdest question ever. Especially taken out of context. :slight_smile:

The bestest Green Chili in Denver can be had at Brewery Bar II (and it’s sister restaurant, BB III)

I’ve been into hot food for quite a while now, and am slowly (oh so slowly) realizing my body doesn’t appreciate the food as much as my brain does.

The worst part about it is: my tongue, brain and endorphin releasing glands doen’t talk to my Reptilian hindbrain. So it takes awhile for my body to equate that wonderful lunch with that horrible trip to ‘the Library’ about 5 hours AFTER lunch.

I’ve had chili that was HOTTER than BB2, but there’s something SPECIFIC about this stuff. It is the ONLY foodstuff I’ve come across that treats me so badly.

Hmm, baby wipes. I am going to need those if I decide to finish that package. Actually I might need them regardless, since I ate some more jerky as I drove into work this morning. Round 2 should be some time tonight. whimper

Hey, I don’t like where you’re going there… not that there’s anything wrong with that. :stuck_out_tongue:

I just can’t begin to tell you what I thought this thread was about…
…but trying not to laugh at work has ruined my mascara.


Uh-oh. I think round 2 is now.

Houston Chronicle
Page B35

A local man was found dead this afternoon in the bathroom of an area office building. Police have identified the victim as neuroman, 25, of Houston, TX.

A building worker was alerted to the body by a men’s room smoke alarm that had gone off. Upon entering the room, she discovered neuroman’s partly clad remains and notified authorities.

“He looked pretty funny spread out on the floor there with his pants around his ankles and his [behind] in the air,” said Ivanna Summ Brix, a secretary in the building. “But when I saw he wasn’t moving, I stopped laughing and kind of got freaked out.”

Police have not yet determined the cause of death, but revealed that scorch marks were found on the victim’s posterior.

“The kinds of burns we saw could not have been caused by something like a cigarette lighter,” said staff Sgt. Seymour Butz. “We’re thinking that it was more like some kind of industrial welding device.”

Police are investigating the case as a possible homicide, but refused to rule out suicide as a cause.

Butz noted that the victim was found with his genitals exposed. “I’ve seen people into some pretty weird stuff. Autoerotic asphyxiation, masochism, needles and pliers. We just don’t know what this guy might have been doing in there before he died,” he said.

Anyone with information is urged to call Crimestoppers at (713) 345-9999.

I can certainly identify with your distress. I posted something a year or so ago called “The Sweet Sweet Pangs of Anal Fire,” but no amount of hamster flogging is producing the link. So you’ll have to imagine it.

For the record, my bunghole burner was a copious quantity of curry, but the effect, no doubt, is similar.

Neuroman, my wife the nurse suggests that you dab, gently, the affected area with Maalox. It’s what they use in care facilities to treat GI burns from such abuse.

Habanero jerky…mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. :smiley:

A sequel to the beloved “I have a serious case of Wolf Ass.”

owlstretchingtime used a term over here used a term that sent me into a fit of giggles the other day. Nuthin’ like a good bout of ring-stinger!

Hehehe…I’m still giggling over it… :slight_smile:

Good news. When I wrote the OP I had forgotten that I ate an entire sausage and jalapeño pizza for dinner that night. That, plus some more amateur research, has led me to conclude that the habañero jerky is safe for both consumption and emission!

I can only guess that your mangled hole would bitch slap the Milk of Magnesia, toss it aside, and yell out, “Meh! That all you got, boy?!”