At one time I thought it was just me. Especially when our family dentist pulled a double-tooth on me without anything to numb it at all. But for a certain age range here abouts (eastern PA 1950-60ish) it was pretty much the norm. The thought was that the various pain killers did more harm to kids than the pain did and that kids, falling and hurting themselves pretty regular at play, had higher tolerances.
Didn’t help much then; its why I didn’t see a dentist from age 11 to about 23. But it helps some now looking back.
So what exactly is the act of forgiveness is not saying that what they did was ok? If that’s not what you’re doing then what exactly is it you do when you forgive someone?
Forgiveness needs to be earned. Why bother forgiving someone for something they clearly aren’t sorry for? It needs a sincere apology, with them understanding what they did wrong, and not doing it again. In some cases, restitution. No bullshit I’m sorry’s when they clearly have no idea what they did wrong.
Forgiving someone doesn’t mean what they did was OK. It just means it isn’t going to ruin your life anymore.
This is a small part of larger topic, “Would you rather be right, or would you rather be happy?” Forgiving someone unilaterally means you’ve decided to be happy, at least on this issue.
Forgiveness is something you do for yourself, not to make the other person feel better, and it doesn’t mean you start thinking of them as your friend, spend time with them, or even ever speak to them again. If you decide to sever contact, it’s because it’s what’s best for you or what you want, not to punish them.
It means letting go of your anger, resentment, desire for revenge, etc. so you aren’t dragged down by them. If you don’t want to forgive someone, then don’t. That’s your right. But if you are purposefully trying to keep your anger alive because someone doesn’t deserve your forgiveness, the person you’re harming is you.
As I said, forgiveness isn’t for the perp, it’s for the “victim”. It’s to prevent you from carrying hatred and anger around in your heart.
As to the question “]So what exactly is the act of forgiveness is not saying that what they did was ok?” Again, this is simple it doesn’t mean that you’re saying that what they did was okay, it’s to say that they, a person, (not the act) have been forgiven. Forgiveness carries with it no mandate to then be all besties with the person who’s wronged you.
For example a person is the victim of a rape. To forgive the rapist doesn’t then mean “oh, rape is fine” it means they are making the decision to stop harboring hatred and anger toward that person. It doesn’t mean the person doesn’t STILL have to pay consequences for their crime. And again, this requires no buddy-buddy from the wronged party.
Those situations are bitches. I’ll try to keep this simple.
Back in the 80’s my grandfather died and left everything to his 3 children. he house, everything. His wife got nothing except she was to be allowed to live in the house rent free as long as she lived etc. So the will was actually never executed because noone expected his wife, my grandmother, to live another 20 years.
A few years back, my father died. His estate went to my mum but because his fathers estate had never been executed that all sat there until a couple of years later when Grandma died then all hell broke loose. The eldest of the 3 children, my dads sister, decided that since my dad had died he forfeited his share of his parents estate and it would be shared between her and the other sister. It helped that her husband was executor of the will that had never been executed.
Growing up, that aunt and uncle had been very close to my parents and I. They would go on holidays together, I used to go down there often, all very good. But when they told my mum she wasn’t entitled to my dads share of the estate because she wasn’t a real {family name} only married into it, that was fucking it, she’s on.
Mum got the lawyer organised and we quickly forced them to do a major about face. It turned out that I was the legal next in line, not mum. I was happy for her to get it but she insisted I could have it, so all good. But neither of us ever spoke to that pair of arseholes as long as they lived. Which didn’t take very long, the karma train ran over them and they both died of cancer only a few years later.
We both made a point of not going to the funerals either.
So I assume you don’t think that the forgiven party will take it as “oh, (s)he forgave me, so what I did wasn’t so bad, so I don’t need to be remorseful or change my behavior”? Or is how the forgiven party reacts not the victim’s concern?
Forgiveness has nothing to do with the other party! It’s all about you.
The other party has already been raised up, and you’re not their Mamma. When you get to behaving in ways, or justifying your actions, by saying you were hoping to ‘teach’ them something, or that they’ll ‘learn’ something, you’ve gone way, WAY, over the line. That’s just your ego rationalizing away your own grudge holding, in my opinion.
I’d focus on detaching from being ‘wronged’, as a victim, because that’s no way to go through life.
Life will teach them lessons, not you! They’ll get it, or they won’t - not your business!
Most traumatic family events/dramas hold life lessons for both sides. Focus less on delivering theirs, and more on what you’re intended to learn, and life will get a lot better.
Precisely. Done properly, how the forgiven party reacts should not be the victim’s concern. You can even forgive the perpatrator within ever seeing him again. He doesn’t even have to know you’ve forgiven him.
Having parents who allow bad things to happen to you breaks a piece of you inside. If they aren’t ever available to help you mend you have at least two choices: To go on living as a broken person or to heal yourself. It hardly seems fair.
The big news? It’s not about them. It’s about you.
That is huge and wonderful news. You don’t have to live with anger and resentment. First step in healing? Figuring out why your resentment is so valuable to you. In what way are you benefiting by holding onto it? Nobody holds onto anything that doesn’t give them some sort of perks. Honest.
I dont understand. How can you condemn what they did as wrong and forgive them for it at the same time?
But if forgiveness is about you and not them, why are you forgiving them for what they did? Why would you not have hate & anger toward that person for raping you? Anger is appropriate in that case.
I honestly wish I knew to let go of old anger. I’ve had things in my past happen to me that still bug me. Saying that you just have to forgive them for what they did doesn’t sound right, it’s like you’re saying you don’t mind what they did, when obviously it hurt a lot.
I grew up with the ‘what will the neighbors think’.
It happens. I don’t know how old you are or how old your mother is but when I talk to women around my age it seems like we all had the same mother.
We get together and laugh about it sometimes.
However when we look back, our mothers didn’t have the best childhoods either. If you can understand some of what she went through and you can see the damaged little girl inside your mother, it may help you to understand why she did the things she did. It doesn’t mean that what she did was right, but if you can look at her with sympathy instead of contempt you can let go of the anger.
It’s a process, it won’t happen overnight, but you can and should do it. If for no other reason that you learn from it and don’t make the same mistakes with your children.