There are many things in life that we, as people are not meant to understand. These are the very same things that we strive the hardest to comprehend, and the things that cause us the most frustration. One of these things is death. I have been in the middle of a moral white rapid for the past few weeks. My Grandmother, one of the softest most gentle women you could imagine, fell and hit her head. The doctors said that was what caused the blood vessel to break. It is very hard for a family to make the decision that me made for a woman who is, for all other accounts, perfectly healthy. After about a week we decided that the woman who was in that bed was not our Grandmother. She was a stranger who could do no more than look around and blink. We decided that the best thing was for her to just move on. But like so many things in life, things were not that simple. While her mind was severely damaged, she couldn’t do anything on her own. She couldn’t stand or even sit up. She couldn’t talk nor understand us. Her body was fine. She had a strong heart beat and great vitals. The doctors said that she could go on like this for years. But we knew she couldn’t, it was killing my Grandfather. They had been married for 65 years and they dated for several years before that. The longer that she was in the hospital the sicker he became. Finally we made the decision. We pulled the feeding tube from her. The doctors said that due to her extreme age (90+) she should pass within a day or so. It was three and a half weeks before she closed her eyes for the last time. It was three weeks of watching my beloved grandmother began to look like a concentration camp survivor. She would just sit there and stare at us, opening and closing her mouth like a fish out of water. I had to stand there and not do anything. I couldn’t giv her the liquid nourishment her body craved. I hated myself for being a part of the decision to starve my grandma to death. In my mind I have taken a life. The life of someone I loved. I have been dealing with the thoughts and concepts of myself being a murder. Yes, I have talked it over with friends and it was of course the merciful thing to do, but they weren’t the one who watched their Grandmother die based on a decision they made.
But this is something that in my mind I have to deal with. What I am eternally grateful for is the fact that there are people out there who I have never met, who I know support me in anyway that they can. I know that if I dropped an E-mail out to virtually any of you, you would talk me through any ruff spots I was going over. There is a great warmth that I feel when I look at the post that Chris put up for me. I asked her to do that so people wouldn’t think I just left, I would never have imagined that I would get the kind response that I did. To each and every one of you I thank you and bless you. When you stand alone and feel like you need some support it is such a joy to know that there are people behind you ready to let you rest and have them carry your weight for a moment.
I debated writing this as every one knows SILENT-BOB doesn’t speak. I on the other hand do. So as I have said before “something’s you have to speak for.”
Thanks you all and G-D bless.
I promise that once I have dealt with this, in my own way, in my own time and if you’ll have me, I’ll be back.
Marc
Hey, Bob. I’m sorry. I know it doesn’t do any good, and it’s a situation that I’ve never been in and hopefully never will, but I still feel bad for you.
On the contrary in the films Silent Bob does speak. He chooses his moments, so the brilliance of his thought and the tenderness of his heart is truly exposed. I think this is a case that real life mirrors film.
Marc, I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this. You have my deepest sympathy and empathy. Do take care and know that all of our thoughts are with you. {{{Marc}}}
You’re not a murderer. You (and your family) did -probably within the limits of your laws and/or convictions- the most merciful thing. I know, it doesn’t feel that way now.
But trust me, I know what it feels like to decide about the life of a loved one. There is nothing in this world that is harder to do. Yet, there is nothing more inhumane than NOT doing it.
For a first talking post, you made quite an impact. You brought a tear to this mans eye.
I wish you and your family all the strength in the world in the hard times that lie ahead. And what you say is true: should you feel the need to talk about it, we’re here for you. I know I am.
Marc, again, all my thoughts are with you and your family. I wish you all the best in the weeks, months, and years to come. I hope that you find the strength to lift your spirits. Again, I’m so sorry. I wish there was more that I could say.
I am teary for you and your family. You might know about my mom, her cancer… Know this too: I have told my Mother that I will take her life if she gets to the point where I know she doesnt want to go any farther. She told me she expected no less of me.
You arent a killer. You are a compassionate human being, capable of doing the right thing, rather than the easy thing… ready to carry the weight of your decision, rather than let her suffer.
I’m sorry you had to go through such pain and turmoil and I’m sorry the pain endures. Your not a murderer, though I’m sure that doesn’t make you feel any better. I can’t imagine what it was like to go through that and watch on a day to day basis a love one slip. I hope I never have to know. May God give you the strength to get through this and carry on. I’m sure your grandmother is standing by his side thanking you for helping her and asking God if its neccisary that her family feel so much pain…
I always knew a man of eloquence lurked beneath those facial expressions…
Marc, I’m truly sorry for your loss and for the things you’ve had to experience. I can honestly say I’m not sure I could have handled being part of such a decision. I too would be racked with self-doubt and neagtive thoughts and accusations. It must have been incredibly painful. But as coldie said don’t take it onboard. It does sound like it was the right thing to do. And definitely merciful in the long run. Of course that doesn’t make it any easier though does it?
And you’re right: always feel free to drop us an email if you need to chat, rant or even just send smilies. We may not have ‘spoken’ much but you’re still a friend.
All the best mate. We’ll be here when you come back.
(and feel free to use words when you do)
I read once that those people who survived the Nazi concentration camps often came out with a big burden of guilt. You would have thought that they would have been happy to make it out alive, but in fact they were wracked by guilt at having stayed alive when so many others died. I don’t know why they felt this way. Perhaps it was because they were worried that by staying alive they might have survived at the expense of the others. Or perhaps it was just the sheer weight of the misery around them. But in any case it was kind of a weird psychological anomaly. They were more guilt-wracked over the deaths of their friends and family than were the Nazis who in fact caused all those deaths.
Maybe you’re suffering from something similar. Or maybe not. But my point is this: Human psychology plays tricks on you. You know full well that you and your family did the right thing. You know this because you stuck to the right path even through three weeks of torment. You and your family had to keep making that choice for your grandmother over and over again every day and every hour of those three weeks, and you stuck to it because you knew it was the right thing to do.
So when you feel the guilt, please try to remember the guilt-wracked survivors of the camps. Remember how screwy human psychology can be–it can make you feel horrible guilt even when you know for a certainty that you did the right thing, the humane thing. The guilt isn’t there because you did anything wrong. It’s there because our human psychological make-up is screwy.
If the guilt gets to you too much, see a psychological counselor and have them explain the nature of guilt to you in more detail. Try to learn and understand that there are some cases where you can feel incredible amounts of guilt without ever having done anything wrong.
I can’t imagine going through what you went through for those few weeks, it hurts my heart just thinking about it. We’ve never talked much (or smilied much or whatever), but like you said, we are all here for you if you need us. Take care & like sandyr said, try to hold onto the good memories of your grandma, it took my nan 3 years to die of cancer, and she was a shadow of herself before it happened. You still have many recent memories of her as she was. Try to let them comfort you & your grandfather. I know you said that you need words for some things, but words fail me at a time like this.:(:(
i’m proud to know someone (virtually?) that can do what needs to be done, especially when the toll exacted on you is so very terrible. you wouldn’t be the silent bob we know here if this decision did not weigh so heavily on you. you and your family made the right decision. never doubt that. know we are always here to talk to, help if we can. you have many virtual hands reaching out to you.
may your grandmother’s memory be eternal. i will remember you and your family in my prayers.
