I wish there were some words I could say to make it all better. It sounds like you and your family made the right choice, but I know that doesn’t provide much comfort for now. In the time being, please know that my thoughts are with you and your family. I hope the pain passes quickly.
(I’m sorry if this turns out to be a multipost. I tried to submit it earlier, but I got a message that the server wasn’t responding.)
I cannot remember any other time a post has moved me quite like this, and we’re talking three years of SDMB history here.
Marc…oh, wow. I lost both of my grandfathers in the last two months, and I cannot begin to fathom the agony of what you went through. I can’t. Your grandfather has been added to my prayers, if that does not bother you. My widowed grandmothers had been married to their spouses for 69 and 62 years–I just can’t imagine life continuing alone after all that time with someone you love. Frick, it just isn’t right–it isn’t what she deserved, or you deserved, or anyone should be made to bear witness to. Yes, thank the Lord it is over…whenever you return, know that there is at one person here (and from the looks of this thread, more like scores of people) who are sharing–however minute an amount–and sympathizing.
{{{{:(}}}}
You have every sympathy and understanding a “stranger” can send, Marc. The toughest answers are never easy. They’re the ones that cut closet to the bone, linger in the mind, and nag in those sleepless hours.
I’ve walked those paths, with my parents and a grandmother, and wish there were a clear answer. The “do not resuscitate” seem so straightforward–until it’s someone you love, and nothing seems simple or logical. And no pat rule, jargon or human word seems to apply.
It’s all different; immediately, weirdly different when a loved, familiar person–family, connection, known life–hangs on that brink between life and death.
Sound familiar? All the questions come rushing in: is it their choice? is it my wish? did they mean it? would I mean it? who can know? (and pure panic: I should know what to do/feel/act and I don’t!!)
I’ve watched too many people I love die, but this is what I learned: it’s part of life. Nobody knows “the answer”, but we will all face it sooner or later. The best you can do is respect the wishes of the true person, the one you love who’s leaving, and trust the judgment that grew out of their life.
Death is just a part of life. You loved your grandmother, and love is what lasts. To doubt that is to doubt to her whole life.
I wish you the peace that she assuredly wishes you.
Veb
Marc, words fail me right now. So, I’ll just let my tears tell you, and each one falling echos the words already said by those far more eloquent than I. I have a similar story.
<Holding you close in a big bearhug, as tightly as I can>
here for you, always. purpleheartbear@hotmail.com
I can’t think of anything harder. You are a brave man, Marc. I can only hope that in your shoes I woul dhave teh courage to do what I thought was right. I don’t know what else to say. But your SDMB family will clearly be thinking of you.
Rob
No matter what a family decides in a situation like this, they’re bound to second-guess yourselves and agonize over whether they did the right thing. You and your family were forced to make the hardest decision anyone can be asked to make, and you did what you knew to be the best thing for your grandmother. It takes a lot of courage and strength to realize when it’s time to let go of someone you love.
My heart goes out to you and your family.
Oh, Marc…
Death has visited many of us recently. A stroke took my grandmother from me several months before her body died on the 11th.
Remember that you loved your grandma and that what you and your family did was the kindest thing you could do. You gave her release. Remember her hugs and the sound of her laughter and be there for your grandfather who will need his family more than ever.
And should you need a friendly shoulder… mine is always available at chrisbar@mail.com
{{{{Marc}}}}
Chris
Marc please take care and know that many people have you in their hearts and minds at this time. I, too, have a similar story. My mother went through much the same as you described, healthy one day and the next lying on a hospital bed never to be the same again. Our family lost 6 members in the last two years. Life altering decisions are the hardest to deal with. But looking at the quality of life versus the length of life is what determined our decisions. You are by no means a murderer. Somewhere along the line you may not find understanding of this, but you will find peace. Please email me if you need to talk.
{{{{hugs}}}
Oh, Marc, my heart aches for you and your family. If there is anything I can do, you’ve got it.
Tracy
We lost my father-in-law about three months ago due to complications from kidney failure. He was in ICU for weeks before the doctors pretty much told us that he wasn’t responding to anything they could do. My wife, her mother and brother and I discussed it and decided that there was nothing else to do. My wifes brother and his wife took my mother-in-law back to her place while my wife and I (with the baby at 1 month old) held vigil for my father-in-law for 9 hours until he finally died.
It was the most difficult decision I’ve ever been a part of. And one of the longest nights I’ve ever had.
I’m with you, buddy. Even though we’ve never met in flesh I’m with you.
I’m so sorry to hear of your loss.
Silent-Bob, you must have loved her very much. I am so sorry for your loss.
Oh Marc. I can’t express how sorry I am. I’m not even going to try to say anything inspirational or clever. I can’t touch what others more eloquent than I am have said.
Just know that so many people, people who don’t even know you, are extending their prayers, gentle thoughts and positive energy to you and your family. I am one of them.
God bless,
b
Marc,
I’m so very sorry to hear about what you have had to go through.
You and your family did the right thing. We watched my grandfather go through hell while grandma was in the hospital, and were able to see the weight of the world lift from his shoulders when she passed. Yes, of course, he grieved for her - but there was also a sense of relief for him, as he felt that she had gone to a better place.
Hugs to you and to all of yours.
Email if you’d like, I’m here.
Kim
Marc, I am so godawful sorry. You’re in my heart and thoughts, and I so wish I could do or say something that would make it better, but I can’t. I’ll just be here if you want a friend.
M2U
What an absolutely eloquent post. Very heart breaking and at the same time heart warming.
My condolences go out to you and your family. And best of luck to you.
Marc -
The hardest thing to deal with in life is death, yet none of us escape it. Thank goodness your grandmother had someone to protect her from the people who would keep her alive at any cost. Although it is a frightening and heartbreaking decision to make, the alternative is far worse. No one wants to languish in limbo, possibly in pain. That’s not life. I know others have said this but I want to add my opinion that you made the right decision - the only decision that could preserve her humanity and her dignity. I am currently going through a similar situation. My 95 yr. old great grandmother will probably pass sometime in the next couple of days. Two days ago she was alert and talkative. My grandfather will likely die sometime in the next couple of months of lung cancer. It all happened so fast.
You are a brave, true person. You made a choice based on someone else’s best interests, sacrificing your own peace of mind and breaking your own heart for her. I dearly hope that when my time comes I have someone like you to advocate for me and make that decision that needs to be made. I join you in your mourning, hold you in my thoughts, and look forward to your return.
Elke
That’s got to be rough, Marc. Keep your head up man. Time will heal the wound.
What your family did was the best thing to do.
Hope your life is going well otherwise.
–Mike
Oh, BOB!
I’m so sorry, but it made my day better to hear from you.
What you said was beautiful and yes, I know too what it’s like to watch someone you love fade away.
I wish you all the best and for you to soon make the smile of buddha, the smile of great peace and contentment that makes you eyes go narrow and your face all pudgy and marvelous.
I have never used a smiley before, but I will give you this one (if i can do this right, hold on let me check how to make these…)
Oh. That was ludicrously easy.
Love and stuff…
TurpsMarc:
I am so sorry. My thoughts are with you and your family.
Paula