I have the body of a GOD
[sub]unfortunetley, it’s budda[/sub]
well, it may not be a pun, but i just want to unload this joke without starting a new thread, and i thought all the buddist puns above would make this fit in.
Many years ago, Roy Rogers decided to go big game hunting in Africa. He and Dale hopped on a ship and headed off for the Dark Continent. Roy set out on his first day and found the tracks of a pack of elephants and started follwing them. As he came through a thicket, he was surprised by a large lion. The lion attacked him, but strangely, only seemed interested in his cowboy boots. Roy kicked them off and scrambled away while the lion proceeded to shred the boots. That evening, after making his way back to camp and rebooting[sub]sorry[/sub], he told Dale about the lion but she didn’t believe him. The next day, they set out together so that Dale would be sure that Roy wouldn’t tell any tall tales about his day in the bush. They happened upon the same lion, snoozing next to the remains of Roy’s boots. Dale turned and said
“Pardon me, Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?”
I see. Well, I don’t want to step or leap on Ender’s feelings…but phoenetically, that doesn’t work.
But…but…ok, fine, it was crap. So I went overboard and stuck it in where the pun don’t rhyme. Sue me.
I wanted original, you got original. I wanted something that could pick you all up. So stop looking at a lift (coarse) like it’s Foust.
[sub]oh c’mon![/sub]
The once was the family Trid. When they fell behind on their house payments the bank foreclosed and some rather burely blokes to evict them. knowing this was going to happen the Trids asked their rabbi to help reason with the men. Unfortunately the banks men were immune to reason and began drop kicking the Trids out of the house. The rabbi then confronted the men askin if the they were going to kick him as well. Their response? “Silly rabbi kicks are for Trids.”
A family of carrots lived in a nasty piece of ground near a road. One day the family decided to move to a more favorable place across the road. As they were crossing Pa Carrot was hit by a car. They rushed Pa to the ER where after several hours of treatment they were informed, “He’ll live but he’ll be a vegitable for the rest of his life.”
Once in small kingdom a giant troll with yellow fingers took residence under the only bridge in or out of the land. The king sent all his knights to get help from outside. But each one was grabed by the trolls yellow fingers and pulled under and eaten. A small page then asked if he could go for help. The distraught king agreed. To his amazement the page nimbly avoided the yellow fingers and soon brought help and drove off the troll. The moral of our story: “Let your pages do the walking through the yellow fingers.”
I have several others but I think I’ve inflicted enough on you for now.
Oh, Ender…It was a wonderful first effort. Here’s cookies @@@@@@@@@
There was once a handyman who had a dog named Mace. Mace was a great dog except he had one weird habit: he liked to eat grass - not just a little bit, but in quantities that would make a lawnmower blush. And nothing, it seemed, could cure him of it.
One day, the handyman lost his wrench in the tall grass while he was working outside. He looked and looked, but it was nowhere to be found. As it was getting dark, he gave up for the night and decided to look the next morning.
When he awoke, he went outside, and saw that his dog had eaten the grass all in the area, around where he had been working, and his wrench now lay in plain sight, glinting in the sun.
Going out to get his wrench, he called the dog over to him and said,
“A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me.”
A group of astronaughts are on the moon. They’ve been mining the surface, and have discovered that it really is made of cheese. One particular area of cheese that they’re quite interested in is a large vein of brie, and they’ve already been there twice, and collected samples to be returned to mission control. All of a sudden, the radio crackles into life: “Mission control to cheese-base-one - we need you to get a third load of that brie!”
But the astronaughts are unhappy with the idea. They try to come up with all sorts of excuses why they shouldn’t dig any more…"It’ll spoil the environment if we take too much. We don’t want to leave this place looking bad.
After all - have you ever seen such a site in your life as brie mined thrice?"
I live near a small town and farming community, and the following event happened to a friend of mine, a farmer named Ken Kellog. Ken raises sheep, and he has this surly, unpredictable ram which boldly tries to escape the pasture at any opportunity. He also has quite a temper (the ram, not Ken).
A bunch of ravens had their nests near by – about twenty ravens in all. Ten ravens make up a swoop, just like more than four sheep are a flock, etc. Anyways, these ravens loved to harass the ram. They’d fly down into the field and caw at him until he charged at them. Then they’d all fly upward, and the ram would crash into the fence. Once, though, one of the ravens didn’t get out of the way in time, and he was crushed against the fencepost. The others decided to get revenge.
When Farmer Kellog came out to check on his sheep one day, he forgot to lock the gate properly. The ravens, working together, pushed it open, and lured the ram out into the hayfield. They flew towards the bailing maching, the ram bleating furiously all the way. At the last moment, the ravens pulled up – and the ram ran straight into the bailer.
He came out the other side in a mangled package. Twenty big black birds came to perch upon him, satisfied, leaving the farmer with two swoops of ravens on a package of Kellog’s brazen ram.
What do you get when you combine a Rhino and an Elephant?
Elifino
(for DC Dopers) Did you here they’re building a new town between Dumfries and Manasas?
It’s going to be called, Dumasas
So, Descarte walked into a bar, and the Bartender said “Hey do you want a Beer?”.
Descarte said “I think not”
poof he’s gone.
OK, third time’s the charm. This one I didn’t make up and it’s a bit fishy so if you have complaints you can just tell it to the sardines.
This guy goes into a bar and he’s clearly very agitated. He slams his fist down on the bar and yells at the bartender, “give me a beer right now!”
The bartender calmly explains to him that they don’t serve customers that are in a bad mood and yelling.
“I don’t care what you don’t do, GIVE ME A BEER RIGHT NOW!”
“Sir, please. We’re running a business here. Have some consideration for the other customers.”
“Other customers, huh? OK, look, you don’t give me a beer right now, I’m going over to that table over there with the lady at the end, I’m pulling out her chair, and I’m biting her head right clean off!”
“I sincerely doubt you can do that. I’m sorry but…no beer for you!”
So the guy goes over to the table, pulls out the lady’s chair, leans over, and with his teeth, rips her head right off her shoulders and starts chewing.
Then he goes back to the bar and says, “see what I can do? Give me a beer or you’re next.”
“I…I…I’d love to sir. But we also have a policy of not giving beer to people on drugs.”
“Drugs? Drugs? I’m not on any drugs!”
“Sure you are. That was a bar bitch you ate.”
Where did the phrase “beat like a red-headed stepchild” come from?
All my base is belong to you? Ah ha, you’re the rogue that stole my subwoofer!