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Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

One day, Roy Rogers, King of the Cowboys[sup]TM[/sup] was a sittin’ on the porch of the Double R Bar[sup]TM[/sup] ranch house, a sippin’ a cup of coffee, and admirin’ his new boots, which he had just polished, after a long days work on range. As you can imagine, that was a fine pair of cowboy boots, what with Roy bein’ King of the Cowboys[sup]TM[/sup] and all. They were tan leather, hand tooled, with silver and turquoise beading, and dyed in patterns of the Wide Open Range[sup]TM[/sup] such as any cowboy might want. And Roy, he was as pleased, and content as any cowboy might be seein’ as just that very day, he had got those boots just perfectly broke in, and now they were softly gleamin’ in the sunset, from the fine polish he had just put on them.

At that very moment, much to Roy’s surprise, a mountain lion jumped down off the roof of the Double R Bar[sup]TM[/sup] ranch house, snatched up one of those boots, and lit out, hightailin’ it for the horizon! Now Roy was surprised, it’s true, but he didn’t loose a minute getting’ Trigger[sup]TM[/sup] saddled up, and takin’ off after that wiley beast. Now, I suppose Roy could have shot that critter, what with him being armed with a Colt Peacemaker, and him being King of the Cowboys[sup]TM[/sup] and all. But the fact is that Roy always was a tenderhearted fellah, and he would just rather not shoot anything, even a varmint. So, he tracked him.

Now Roy hadn’t given the varmint much of a head start, but he still had to keep his eyes on the ground, and on the horizon, and, well, truth be told, the Double R Bar[sup]TM[/sup] has a good bit of rocky ground on it. Roy tracked that cat all day, and into the night, and he couldn’t find him. Late that night he came home, to the Double R Bar[sup]TM[/sup] ranch house, and there sittin’ in Nellibell[sup]TM[/sup], his trusty jeep, sat Gabby Hayes himself, Roy’s Trusty Sidekick[sup]TM[/sup]. Just as Roy rode up, Gabby pointed over his shoulder, and said “Look!”

As Roy turned, he saw the same lion, with just a tiny scrap of tooled leather with silver beading on it hangin’ out of his mouth. Gabby looked too, and he asked Roy,

Wait for it.

“Pardon me, Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoe?”

2

My eyes! The goggles do nothing!

3

Argh!

4

What was Roy Rogers doing hanging out in a bar anyway?

5

Maybe I’m getting wooshed here, or maybe I’m to young to remember a Roy Rogers that didn’t serve fast food, but I don’t get it.

6

Herein lies punsters, Madd Maxx. Run away before Polycarp gets here and they get carried away.

*Pardon me, boy
Is that the Chatanooga Choo-Choo
*

Old song. You don’t wanna know more.

7

Or as they were singing at the end of 1989,

“Pardon me, boys,
Are you the cats that cooled Ceausescu?”

8

A woman and her young son were riding the train, on their way to see the mother’s uncle, whose name was Al.

Unlike many authors Al was both successful and rich, having invested him money wisely. He now lived on a palatial estate. This would be the first time the boy had seen his great-uncle Al. His mother was telling him about Al’s stable, his fancy greenhouse where he grew exotic orchids, and so on.

“In fact” she said “I just had a letter about how he’s putting in a tennis court too.”

The boy, a tennis fan himself, brightened and looked at his mother. “Tennis? I didn’t know your uncle Al like tennis!”

“Oh, he does, he does. Many’s the time I’ve heard Alfred laud tennis, son.”

9

Getting drunk, of course!

10

Bounty hunter moseys into an old western town. Finds the sheriff. “Got any bad guys I can round up fer yew?” [You have to say all the dialogue in a bad fake western accent.]

“Welll, we do have one varmint. But he’s mighty strange.”

“How strange?”

“Lissen, he done wears a brown paper hat.”

“Yah, so?”

“AND a brown paper shirt. A brown paper belt, brown paper pants, brown paper shoes, a brown paper holster and a brown paper gun!”

“Whooo-eee. That shur is one weird dude. What’s 'e wanted fer?”

“Rustling.”

11

You asked for it,
Israeli police were looking for a man named Joseph, wanted for looting in
the port city of Haifa. The suspect was described as the son of a Barcelona
ex-nun and a German father. He was a former flutist and worked occasionally
as a farmer.

In short, he was a Haifa-lootin’, flutin’ Teuton, son-of-a-nun from
Barcelona, part-time plowboy Joe.

Unclviny

12

There was a very poor man who worked hard all his life. When he finally struck it rich he decided to build a solid gold toilet. After all, he reasoned, it was his throne. After installing it his wife took it for a test drive. Unfortunately, she was a very LARGE lady and promptly got stuck. They pulled and pushed but couldn’t get her off. Finally, he went and got a crow bar. “Are you crazy?” his wife screamed? “This is a solid gold toilet, you’ll ruin it” Well, he replied, “Its my potty and I’ll pry if I want to…”

13

After serving as the first President of South Korea, Syngman Rhee was hired to write a magazine article about his term in office. The request came from noted publisher Henry Luce. Syngman arranged an interview with a woman who had grown to admire – indeed, had developed a crush on – him as he led her country through the post-war years and into nascent prosperity. They agreed to meet at the politician’s office. Although Syngman thought he had given clear directions, the lady struggled to find the place. After several false steps, however, she finally arrived, gazed upon her former leader, and sighed: "Ah, sweet Mr. Rhee, of Life, at last I’ve found thee!"

14

There once was a czar in Russia whose name was Rudolph the Great. He was standing in his house one day with his wife. He looked out the window and saw something happening. He says to his wife, “Look honey. It’s raining.”
She, being the obstinate type, responded," I don’t think so, dear. It’s probably snowing"
But Rudolph knew better. So he said to his wife," Let’s step outside and we’ll find out.’"
Lo and behold, they stepped outside and discover it was in fact raining. And Rudolph turned to his wife and replied,“I knew it was raining. Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!”

15

… you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

16

“More hay, Trigger?”

“Thanks, Roy, but I’m stuffed.”

17

A frog goes into a bank to apply for a loan to expand his pad.
He is helped by Ms. Wack, the loan arranger. As they are going over the loan application
Ms. Wack asks the frog if he has any collateral to put up for the loan.

The frog pulls out a beautifully engraved little jade statue. Ms. Wack looks at the jade
statue and a puzzled look comes over her face. “Mr. Frog” she says, “while that is a nice
statue, I have no idea what it is, or how much it is worth. I’m really not sure if we can
accept this as collateral on your loan. Can you wait here a minute while I consult with
the bank manager?”

“Yes, I’ll wait here while you check with the manager.” replies the frog.

Ms. Wack takes the statue into the manager’s office and says, “The frog sitting at my desk
is applying for a loan, and all he has for collateral is this statue. I’m not sure what it is or
how much it is worth. What is your opinion?”
The manager takes the statue from Ms. Wack and looks it over very intently.
After a couple of minutes he finally looks up and says:

“It’s a knick–knack, Patti Wack. Give the Frog a loan.”

Ouch, stop it, quit throwing things. I couldn’t help myself. Sorry for the puns within the pun.

18

So the Symphony Orchestra was playing a concert in the park and was in the middle of Beethoven’s 9th Symphony. The basses, in the back of the orchestra, decided they had a few minutes to spare before being asked to play anything, so they ran across the street to the pub for some ale. It was a windy day, so they found some string to wrap around their music stands to secure their music while they were gone. Once at the tavern, they could hear the music and keep up with the progress of the piece.
After one, two or maybe three rounds, they decided that they had to hurry because the last movement of the ninth symphony was underway. They stumbled back onto the bandstand and were fumbling with the string, trying to get it loose, but not having much success. The conductor saw what was happening and instantly sized up the situation: it was the bottom of the ninth, the score was tied and the basses were loaded.

19

Ow! My brain!

20

Before the Revolution, everyone was penniless but the Czar. He was Nicholas.