LOL. I had to think about it…
In addition to being one of the great military leaders, Alexander the Great was also an inventor. One of his inventions was a device used to tell time. A cloth was first dipped in various dyes and would change colors depending on the location of the sun. Anyone wearing this cloth could tell the time of day when the colors changed.
This was known as:
“Alexander’s rag time-band”
A dog enters a saloon, limps to the bar and says to the barman:
"I'm lookin' for the man that shot my Pa !"Glad you liked it. It’s been around a while.
It’s easier to get if you say it out loud.
Sea World was recently given an unusual gift - 2 dolphins what would live forever. They needed a special diet to sustain their lives - sea birds. If they didn’t get fed birds every day they would instantly perish (because they were already over 500 years old). It was the job of one Sea World employee, Bill, to furnish the birds.
One day there was a fire in the zoo part of Sea World and several of the animals escaped. When Bill returned to feed the dolphins he found his way blocked by an escaped lion that was resting right in front of the entrance to the dolphin exhibit. Bill didn’t know what to do, as the dolphins could not go even one day without a meal. Finally, Bill decided that the lion looked pretty calm so he jumped over the big cat and went to the tank. Before he got there two policemen jumped out and arrested him. The charges?
Transporting gulls across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.
This works best if you’ve heard the original joke and not just the expression taken from it.
There was a Middle Eastern ruler, who like to throw big parties but was known for being moody. He sent out invitations to everyone for an extra special party. The people were very excited but also worried about what type of mood the ruler would be in. One citizen took his time getting ready for the party and arrived late, fearing that this would set the ruler off. Suddenly many citizens came running down the stairs toward him. They had fear all over their faces and were covered in blood. As they ran past him, one yelled out
Little ole man, so spic and span,
Where were you when the fit hit the Shan?
Actually, you left out a couple of things. Please allow me…
A frog walks into a bank and up to the desk of Ms. Patricia Wack, a loan officer there.
“I’d like to take out a loan here. My name’s Mr. Jagger. Your manager knows my father.”
Ms. Wack, obviously taken aback, says, “Well, Mr. Jagger, do you have any collateral?”
The frog then produces a tiny pink elephant statue. Ms. Wack, examining the statue in her hand, says, “I’m not sure if we can accept this, Mr. Jagger. I don’t know what it is and I’m not sure how much it’s worth. Please give me a moment to talk to my manager.”
So she goes to her manager’s office and says to him, “I have a frog in my office who calls himself Mr. Jagger. He wants to take out a loan and he’s trying to put this down for collateral. What is it?”
The bank manager responds:
“It’s a knick-knack, Patti Wack; give the frog a loan. His old man’s a Rolling Stone.”
Ain’t Nobody’s Business But the Turks’
There once was a mother whose daughter kept trying to elope with her intended. Always, however, in the nick of time, the mother caught them. After about twenty times, the daughter began to get desperate, when at random, she read about an animal activist who would paint bulls in order to camouflage them, then let them escape.
However, when the daughter called up the activist, he told her, “I stain bulls, not constant elopers.”
Did you hear about the vulture who tried to take three dead armadillos onto a plane? He was told that passengers are limited to two carrion
Hugh Downs’ wife had a sinking feeling when she let her son take the family car out. Still she was surprised when he called to lament that he had a flat tire. She remarked,“I knew you shouldn’t have taken the car out. This wouldn’t have happened if your father were driving.”
“What are you talking about?” asks the son, “Dad would have been stuck changing the tire instead of me!”
“You are wrong, son,” declared his mother. “Only Hugh can prevent porous tires.”
So, a young woman found herself pregnant with twins, but, due to her circumstances, decided to give them up for adoption. Through a bureaucratic mix-up, the twins were adopted by two diferent families–one is Spain, the other in Turkey.
Many years passed and one day the birth mother was thrilled to get a letter from one of the twins. His name was Amal and he lived in Turkey. When she told him he had a twin brother, Amal went searching for him as well, and, as luck would have it, finally found him living in Spain. After many letters and a few phone calls, they all arranged to met in Rome.
The plane from Spain arrived first, and the birth mother (with her husband) was escatic to meet her son, Juan. Unfortunately, his brother was unable to travel from Turkey due to an airline strike. Although the mother and one twin did have a good time, the mother was sad, and after lunch one day, began to cry.
“What’s wrong, what’s wrong?” asked her husband and her son.
“Oh, I’m just so sad I wasn’t able to see my other son,” she explained.
“Silly woman,” scoffed her husband, “they’re identical twins. When you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal!”
A man wakes up one morning and breaks wind as was his usual morning custom only to be surprised by what sounds like a small voice saying “honda”. He’s a bit startled but decides that maybe he’s just not quite awake yet. He goes about his day and at some point later has the need to break wind again and once again he hears the small voice say “honda” and he realizes to his horror that the sound is indeed coming from his backside. He decides he has to know what’s happening and makes an appointment with his family physician.
He has a thorough workup but the visit to the doctor gives him no relief and no clue as to what’s wrong with him. He’s not in pain, he hasn’t changed his diet, he can’t think of any reason that his flatulence should be making such a peculiar noise. He and his doctor decide the best thing to do is to just live with the symptoms. Mostly it’s not bothering him and he actually starts to have a bit of fun with it. I mean, how many people do you know that can break wind and make it sound like a voice saying “honda”.
Some time later the sound disappears as quickly as it came. The man once again visits the doctor to tell him of the change and see if anything is amiss. The doctor once again gives the man a full examination and can’t find anything wrong. As they go over his recent history, diet, exercise etc. the man mentions that he’d been to the dentist the day before. He went on to explain that he had a terrible toothache that turned out to be an abcess which had to be drained.
“That’s It!” says the doctor
“What?” says the man
abcess makes the fart go honda!
An agent from the Department of Time Travel was sent from 3435 A.D. to investigate damage to the timeline caused by a group of anthropologists time traveling without following proper procedeures. He wore his standard DoTT blue jumpsuit, his Chronoton Detector, Time Key, and the 73-BB Reverse Chronoton Wave Polarizer. The 73-BB was a one-meter metallic sphere that could calculate the Expected Timeline Displacement and make the necessary adjustments to repair the timeline within 13.6 seconds of meta-time. It seems this agent had made some adjustments to the 73-BB, attaching the Time Key within its superstructure to make a more compact package, and recalibrating the Time Crystal Apparatus so that it would only take 10.2 seconds of meta-time to repair the damage to the timeline.
In short, he made the temporal quicker un-fucker-uper/Time Key.
In the Dark Continent, before the coming of the white man, was a kingdom that spanned half of North-West Africa, though its inhabitants never mastered architecture and lived, from the King himself to the lowliest peasant, in grass huts of varying sizes. On a time a traveller visited the kingdom and treated the King to the tales of other lands far away, including the startling news that in other lands, kings sat not on large sacks stuffed with grass, but on great chairs called thrones. “Intriguing!” exclaimed the King. “Then I too shall have a throne!”
In other lands thrones were made of wood or of bronze or of marble, but such things were not to be had here. Instead the King’s advisers bade him specify ivory as the material from which his throne should be crafted. Agreeing, the King sent for his hunters and ordered them forth, to rest not nor return until they had located the twelve largest-tusked elephants in all the kingdom and secured their tusks. And this was done.
Possessed now of a great abundance of ivory, the King turned the matter over to his wrights and artisans, making some trifling specifications as to size and ornamentation, and he left them to it. And they laboured mightily until the thing was done. This was the manner of it:
Nine feet high it stood at the back. Three large men could have sat side by side on its ample seat, cushioned in purple velvet stuffed with the softest white goose down. Exquisitely carved and gold-inlaid was it, liberally studded with precious stones of all colours: diamonds, and rubies, and emeralds, and sapphires, and pearls. There was never a throne to match it nor will be until the world is unmade, and its value was beyond count or measure.
As a minor inconvenience, the construction time had somewhat overstretched the King’s original requirement, and he was by now dead of old age and annoyance. Moreover, what with the mischances of life, there remained only one fruit of the King’s virile loins, and he was but a child of seven years. So to protect the kingdom from the whims of an unlearned boy, a Regent was appointed to mind affairs in his name, until the royal son should come to manhood. And lest hubris tempt the Regent to usurp the crown, he wisely had the Throne removed to an empty house, kept under constant guard and forbidden to the sight of all.
Time passed; and when the King’s son matured, his coronation was announced and preparations were made. Then were sent bearers to fetch the great Throne, unseen for fourteen years, that the new King’s reign might begin in fitting manner. But as daylight leaked into the house…
They discovered to their universal horror that the chickens of their architectural deficiencies had come home to roost with a vengeance, for the Throne had been undefended against the depradations of dry rot, wet rot, death-watch beetle, white ants, red ants, black ants, silverfish, thrips, mealybugs and mould, and it was now naught but a hollow shell of itself collapsing into white powder at a touch, with here and there a mocking flash of colour from a speck of gold leaf or precious stone.
And the only moral it is possible to draw from this unhappy tale is.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
People who live in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.
Actually, Agent Foxtrot, my version may pre-date yours. I do like the version you related, I just didn’t remember those additions. Damn CRS* anyway.
can’t remember sht
An explorer was trekking through the jungle when he stumbled upon a native tribe. He spent many months with them, learning language and customs. One day, as he was walking with the chief, an unusual bird flew overhead and the chief stared in awe. “It is the sacred Fu bird, seen only rarely! We are blessed!” he gasped. Just then, the Fu bird let go a huge load of droppings, which landed directly on the explorer’s head. As he started to clean it off, the chief stopped him, saying, “Leave it! It is good luck and blessings, but a curse will be on you if you remove it!” The explorer paid no attention and hurriedly wiped his head and face. As he then leaned over the river to wash, a giant crocodile reared up and seized him, dragging him under, never to be seen or heard from again.
The moral?
If the Fu shits, wear it.
Long ago, in a kingdom far, far away, lived a mighty, but cruel king. One day, he discovered that many nobles were devising a plot to kill him and take the throne. However, though he tortured many of them, he was unable to learn the name of their leader. So he ordered them to be executed one by one until they confessed. And so they were. The last of the nobles on the block was a count. They tied him, and then said, “If you talk now, you will be spared.” But he refused. They placed his head on the block. “Confess now, and live!” cried the executioner. But he was silent. So the executioner raised the axe, and as it started to fall, the count screamed, “I’ll talk, I’ll talk, I’ll t—!” But it was too late–and the identity of the lead conspirator remained a secret until the day he dethroned the king.
The moral is:
Don’t hatchet your counts before they chicken.
I thought red=russia came from Communism, did the connection exist before? Or should I stop nitpicking jokes?
So a guy walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his pants. The bartender says “Why’s that there?” The guy says “I don’t know, but it’s driving me nuts!”
and then there’s the panda. He walks into a bar, orders a sandwhich, eats it, pulls out a gun and blows the head off the guy next to him. The bartender says “what gives?” and the panda says “i’m a panda, look it up.” So he pulls out an encyclopedia and finds the entry that says “Giant Panda. Eats shoots and leaves.”
wakka wakka
bamf
The chief of the great Shawnee tribe was having a terrible time sleeping. Finally his wife, who was wise in the ways of the modern world, convinced him that he should visit a doctor. The chief went to the doctor and told him his problem. The doctor asked if the chief had been having any troubling dreams. The chief, amazed at the doctor’s insight, allowed that he’d been having strange, alternating dreams lately.
“In one dream I’m a teepee. In the other I’m a wigwam. And it goes on like that, back and forth, night after night. I tell you, it’s driving me crazy!!”
“Ah”, sighed the doctor, “I see your problem: you’re two tents!”
Well I went searching for my previous post in a pun thread.
But to save you from clicking, here it is again.
You have to forgive any historical errors.