Son goes to jail. will it help or hurt?

In My Humble Opinion
41

I went to visit my son today. I guess I should have been more concerned about tobacco withdrawal. Apparently since the pack he had on him in court was open, they took it away from him, and he hadn’t had a cigarette since 9 am Wednesday. No one he was in jail with would let him even have a puff, so he’s been very uncomfortable. Since he couldn’t call us, he didn’t know when we were coming. He was very emotional when he saw us, but not as bad as I feared. We didn’t think we’d even get to see him at all because of the visitation regs (more on that later). I’d brought a bag of stuff for him (underwear, socks, undershirt, toothpaste, foot powder, bodywash, deodorant, books, cigarettes) and was glad, when he showed me a list he’d made of things he wanted, that I’d gotten almost everything he wanted but stamps and paper and envelopes. Oh, and his C++ book.

Let me see if I can clarify his charges. He was picked up over a year ago on a possession of paraphenalia charge (again, when his girlfriend got stopped for a traffic offense.) He had a previous juvenile charge of DUI that had gotten him a suspended license, and a trip to a drug/drinking class that he attended and completed…good counselor there that he connected with. So just as he’s about to get his license back, he loses it on the paraphenalia charge, and is placed on probation for a year since he was now an adult. He could have served 30 days and been done, but at my urging he took probation. Now this is where I get confused, because it was his responsibility to deal with this, and I honestly am too exhausted to remember. I think because he either missed an appointment or tested positive or both, he was required to start going to counseling sessions ($35 each time) but stopped going for financial reasons (and, as he tells me now, because of some problems he ran into with other members of the group).

Anyhow, he missed a probation appointment as well, and they issued a warrant. When he got picked up on the warrant, he was charged with violating probation (for which he is serving the 30 days) and Drug Abuse, and Use/Possession/Sale of Paraphenalia. Those charges were supposed to be dealt with in a hearing right after the probation hearing, but they took him off to jail, and the other charges got put off (I’m really unclear on why…I was crying) and we awaited assignment to a judge. The lawyer thought they would give him 30 days to run concurrent, but we found out today the hearing now isn’t until Aug. 19 (he’ll be out of jail by then) so they may sentence him to another 30-60 days, and that knowledge was very upsetting to him when I told him today. To get out, then have to go right back in is almost worse than getting another 30 tacked on, in some ways. But I really haven’t talked to the lawyer…just got the letter and his phone call on voicemail at 5:30 today.

So that’s it. Basically he violated probation on the 1st paraphenalia charge, so that’s why he’s in jail now.

And now I discover, looking at these papers, that I’ve been spelling paraphernalia wrong all along. My deepest apologies to all who may have been shaking their fist at the screen.

42

I’ve been shaking my fist at the screen, but not at your spelling.

I don’t smoke. Never have taken even a single puff of MJ. It’s illegal, so I don’t go there.

But what a stupid, stupid thing to be illegal. :frowning:

I wish your son the best.

43

Sorry, I worded that badly. I meant to say that it’s a horrible way to attempt to convince/help someone off drugs.

Agreed. She doesn’t owe a single quark of flexibility to her son on the matter that he did pot in her home.

The tolerance, understanding and middle ground I spoke of is on viewpoints on (morality of)usage itself.

44

You’re a great person, and I hope this all works out for the best. :cool: I am not a user myself, but this damn drug war is starting to make criminals of many who woudl otherwise be innocents… :frowning:

45

Having been in many a mental institution, I doubt 30 days will have any real effect on him.

Despite the scrutiny of anything brought in, drugs get into most places. Unless the guards are going to be subjecting him to random urinalysis, I wouldn’t even assume your son will spend those 30 days without ingesting more THC.

As other posters have said, and as I’ve been told many times recovering addicts and alcoholics, you have to want to change.

46

He doesn’t sound like he’d have the connections to get pot in jail as a first-timer on a 30 day ticket. In any event, let’s hope he’s not that stupid; a charge of possession of a controlled substance while in jail makes you look like a hard-core drug addict and pisses off the jail staff because they look stupid. However hard his life may be now, it would be nothing compared to what he’d face if he was bounced back there to serve time on an in-custody possession charge.

47

The kid can’t even score a cigarette in there! Saw him again today, and he’s in much better spirits. He brought up the subject of his using, and said he’s decided that he’d really better quit. His girlfriend was there with me, and I told them the two of them have to quit…it won’t work if she keeps using. But this is only a few days in…I’m not naive enough to believe anything right now.

48

Ok, let me see if I can throw my $0.02 at the right posts here:

THC, the psychoactive component of marijuana is fat-soluable, so it takes longer than say, cocaine (which is more water-soluable) to clear your system. Depending on the dose, the effects of THC can last from days to weeks. For a chronic user, brain chemistry is altered, and takes months to change back to normal, as QtM has indicated. kittenblue has indicated that her son is not physically addicted to marijuana, but psychologically addicted. This is an important distinction, as the treatments are different. Which brings me to the question: why hasn’t her son been treated for his depression (or has he and it wasn’t mentioned)? This seems to me to be the root of his problem, rather than a blatant disregard for laws or use of marijuana.

Another interesting comment from kittenblue is that her son was not suffering from marijuana withdrawal, but was suffering from nicotine withdrawal while in jail. I’ll leave it as an exercise to contemplate the irony of that situation, and which of the two is actually going to affect him more in the long run. That said, I don’t think it is his marijuana use that is the problem, it is more his attitude toward himself and his life that is leading him to make poor choices about more than just his use of THC and nicotine. To address that, tough parenting and tough love often are the best ways of getting a young adult to realize that they now have control of their life after years of fighting for it, and they are screwing it up. Once they are handed control of their life, they can’t give that control back to the parent(s).

Vald/Igor

49

Kittenblue, have faith in your son. It will make it easier for him to quit if his girlfriend quits too, but he might be able to do so even if she doesn’t. My sister managed it, and she was constantly around her boyfriend and his mother who both indulged. Her boyfriend has since quit, and I’m really proud of/happy for both of them. Here’s hoping the same goes for your son and his girlfriend.

My experience as a sister to someone who was using and then quiting coincides more with what Qadgop reports than what Clairobscur reports. When I was moving last time, my sister was doing the same, and refused many things that my mother and I offered to give her that would make her life easier. This was a little over a year ago. She and I are both in the process of moving again, and she recently commented that she “got Mom’s dishes.” She didn’t realize she had refused them a year ago; she was still in a bit of a fog even though she had stopped using two or three months prior. Luckily, our mom knew she’d want them eventually and saved them.

Finally, I am speaking as the sister, not the mother of a person on this road, and it may make a difference. I hear a ton of things from my sister that I know our parents don’t. One of her biggest problems is that much of the extended family blames her boyfriend for her choices, and it ends up hurting them both. But these were her choices, just as they are your son’s. If he sticks with this girl, please don’t make her feel as if you think she “tainted” your son. I know you’re not likely going to do this, but other family members might. It’s something to be aware of. Another problem is that her confidence is shot, in part because she feels like she’s not good enough since she didn’t make the choices we all expected her to make. She is good enough, and our parents realize that while we expected her to take one route, the route she is taking is the one she needs to be on. But none of the three of them are communicating well enough about this, and it leaves everyone hurt. Please make sure you keep the lines of communication wide open, so you and your son are not in this position.

I appologize if I sound a bit preachy, but these are some problems you may or may not be aware of. If you weren’t, I hope this helps.

Good luck. If your son really does want to change this, I’m certain it will all turn out all right.