Is that with the little hairless baby mice? Kinky…
Thank you, Haj!
And I get it. Aint’ it weird? I try not to question it…
Well, put it this way, and I could only speak for myself. I would never mention exes in a first date unless asked, much less in an intro to a dating profile. It reads very much as “I’m not over it.” That may not be your intent, but that’s how it reads to me. Especially given the “extremely painful part.” That seriously reads “I’m not over it.”
Second, why do I care if the person is young enough to be your son? That reads like some sort of bragging to me. I don’t care if your ex is twenty years your junior or twenty your senior. That’s unnecessary info and it raises a yellow flag for me as to why you would have wanted to include that information.
Third, the “selfish asshole” part sounds to me like your describing your former lover. Maybe you’re describing men in general. But it reads to me like you’re still hurt and perhaps a little bitter.
You don’t need to explain yourself. You don’t need to tell anyone why you wrote what you wrote, but I just wanted to clarify why it comes across as “baggage” to me, and not just your typical tidbits of biographical information. Obviously, some others are reading it the same way I am.
If the email clears, then it’s the phone, which a lot of men resist. One guy was saying that you need to see each other in real life for the full picture, and I think that’s only partly true. I can’t know for sure that I WILL click with someone based on phone interaction, but I absolutely can tell if I won’t.
I had a real sad one recently…the guy was aces on paper. Just everything rocked, interests, the writing was smart and funny, what he was looking for was just what I am, he was cute, on and on. I was really excited.
Then we talked on the phone. More wonderful: fabulous voice! (A really bad voice can shut me down pretty fast, and a really great one makes me weak.) Articulate, confident…and within 15 minutes I wanted to kill him. He didn’t speak three sentences in succession that I didn’t find completely insufferable in one way or another. (It started with an endless insistence on discussing astrology in general, and his astrologer who had all kinds of celebrity clients in particular, then his nutritionist who was the very best most fabulous and he’s so&so’s nutritionist and so&so’s, then The Secret and how doing some kind of Secret Whiteboard is going to save my life (and I actually have a fair amount of respect for the fundamental idea that we create our own reality, and still I wanted to shove a sock down his throat), and the name dropping was nonstop…made me wanna hurl. Dude, we both live in LA, if you wanna do that I dont’ doubt we could end up naming half the famous people in America. Please shut up now.) I was deeply bummed.
You know, for some reason this comes as absolutely no surprise to me at all, I was actually anticipating it when I posted it. How funny.
I hope that this isn’t the humor which the OP is famous for, and for which she’s too good to share with us slimeballs on a board which she’ll condescend to post to, but not share her wit (or apparently her self-proclaimed wisdom.
There are some damn funny people on the board, none of whom need to advertise it because everyone can see they’re funny.
You’ve already showed us the conceited, show us the [del]money[/del] funny.
The best laugh from you so far is that your fuck friend plagiarized.
and after they fuck you, how many times do they see you again? It’s easy for women, as the famous saying goes, at any given moment in a bar somewhere out in the world, there’s a good looking guy hitting up on a dog 'cuz he wants to get laid.
Well, that makes sense, since I wasn’t. And I never claimed to be… in fact, that was pretty much the point. “I’m freshly dumped and feeling fragile.” was the message, and it seems I managed to convey it!
It is a bit of bragging, after a fashion. Since I am being very up front about the fact that I’m old and fat, I’m softening the picture that paints by letting you know that I must have a little bit of something going on to catch and keep (for 10 years, anyway) a much younger man, and also letting you know that I’m open to much younger men.
Again, I managed to convey pretty much what I meant to, although I wasn’t referring to my ex, i was referring to the men I’d been meeting. Remember that this was an ad I’d been running for a few weeks, and I’d been adjusting it as I would meet people. And I don’t know that I was bitter so much as annoyed. I is what I sez I is, and I don’t fuck around, i don’t lie, I don’t bullshit…I was getting a lot of dishonesty and it was getting really irritating.
It’s really interesting to me the level of venomous hostility I’m getting, most of it around the fact that I like myself, I think I’m cool and I don’t have a problem saying so. I can understand people reacting to that by some eye rolling, shrugging, a little sneering…but it’s been a whole lot more intense than that from some quarters, and not just from people who have a history of disliking me to fall back on. It’s really weird, it’s like I’ve somehow personally attacked the people on this board or something.
Like TokyoPlayer’s response: “us slimeballs on a board she’ll condescend to post to” - among the most obvious, but not the only person to take it extremely personally. And I so don’t get it… the whole point of posting it here is that I view the Dope as populated with bright, interesting people who would completely understand my frustration. It wasn’t posted as: “I rock, you suck and I’m telling you about it”, it was much more like “I rock, you guys (mostly) rock, too, so you’ll feel my pain here”
But I can only assume that at least some of these intense reactors are taking it personally because they have actually sent out responses like that and identify with the people I’m ragging on. And if it isn’t that, what the hell is it?
Could it really be something so simple as the drawing the conclusion: “If she thinks she’s great, it must follow that she thinks others (probably me) are NOT great…because there’s only so much great to be had and she took it all, or thinks she did. Fuck her!”
Like I said, finding my self-confidence about my personality unappealing or something similar is fine, i expect that, but a whole bunch of emotion behind it suggests something else entirely, and I’m pretty sure it’s something that doesn’t really have all that much to do with me.
But it’s still weird.
yes i saw what you said i just don’t really believe it.
Why not write back and say “Tell me a little more about yourself first, ok?”
In my own case I have responded to ads, always with a personal remark about the ad, what I might have liked about it and always, I hope, with humor and intelligence. Regardless of what I might write the immediate response is always, do you have a picture you can post (even from those who haven’t posted one themselves.) I am not interested in having my picture posted all over the internet. The unposted picture is the excuse. My take on all of this is that most women (and very likely men too) are simply out there trolling, they cast a line and if by chance they snag a treasure chest - great, if they don’t - it doesn’t cost much and it is pretty easy to just toss that boot back in the water. Many of the same women who have chosen to not consider contact with me for lack of a picture are still out there advertising 2 or 3 years later, so it’s not just the picture and it’s not just me. What is infuriating about your ad is that you are obviously sincere in your search, you are just writing off tons of people for not intuiting what you want to hear in that first response. I totally get refusing to meet people who are obviously uneducated, or into “weird” things, but I am with brazil84, if someone writes you a nice cogent note with insufficient information, ask for more, that is the adult approach. As i said before your own ad is not awash in information, you really are missing the boat in tossing those who don’t immediately provide what you want.
Oh. Do you just generally assume people are lying?
I used to, sometimes, but I finally realized this: I don’t want to hold your hand and lead you. If you need me to ask, that’s all I need to know. Maybe you are the nicest, funniest, coolest guy on earth. But experience tells me that it’s extremely unlikely if this is your opening move. I’ve been guiding, showing, helping and making space for men my whole life, I’m over it already, I really am. It obviously worked for me for a long time or it wouldn’t have been that way, but I’m extremely ready for a confident, strong, self-assured grown man that doesn’t need to be asked to tell me more about himself when he answers a personal ad with a single generic sentence full of non-information that obviously fails to distinguish him from other men in any meaningful way.
And you know what, in that case and many others, it really isn’t a judgment that makes anyone right or wrong, it’s the choice I’ve decided works for me. As I’ve said, I get lots of responses to most of my ads and profiles, and I really don’t have the time. It seems self-evident to me that (whether you here agree or not, some do, and it is safe to assume people who answer my ads do as well) if I am funny/articulate/interesting enough for you to tell me that, then I must value that or I wouldn’t have made the effort myself, and it’s only logical that I would be looking for some similar level of effort. Like it or hate it, there’s no question that I have put forth a detectable effort, so can you. And if you dont’ want to because you don’t get enough responses, well, that’s not my fault or my job to deal with. I’m taking responsibilty for me, you take responsibility for you.
Might I just jump in and add to the list there? Tough, I’m going to.
Please do not tell me all about your job when you first email me. I’m happy that you’re employed but really, I don’t need any assurance that you can tick the ‘provider’ box. This is not the 19th century and my dowry price won’t drop if you say you work in the local shop as opposed to owning your own IT business. Every guy who has ever emailed me has said he owns his own (or is about to start his own) IT business.
And so long as I’m on the subject of dowries (and I know this is minor) please don’t ask me IF I work. Of course I work, I’m not landed gentry. Hell, even the landed gentry have to work these days. And it’s doubly insulting to state that not all women work. With one exception, every woman I have known works and she’s raising three kids.
And all of the rest of the stuff **Stoid **said (though I don’t mind the walks on the beach bit).
How about the following e-mail exchange?
Stoid: <interesting profile plus photo>
Responding Guy:“Hi, I like your profile. Here’s a link to mine. Wanna e-mail?”
Stoid: “Your photo is not off-putting and your profile says you’re about the demographic I’m looking for. So if you write me an interesting and personalized e-mail, I’ll give it my due attention. Bye for now.”
or
Stoid: thanks, but no thanks.
or
Stoid: <crickets>
Not usually.
You tell us that we’re not worth your humor, and we’re supposed to be sympathetic to you? You tell us you’re so smart and so wise, but you don’t even know how the internet dating game is played.
You also don’t seem to be aware how this board works either. If it’s sympathy you’re looking for look in the dictionary between “shit” and “suicide” as the expression goes, or post something in MPSIS where you’re more likely to get understanding.
Turning on the OP is a time-honored tradition in the Pit, and starting off with a statement that you’re better than others is asking for responses. As someone else wrote, it’s a wonder that more people have given you a pass on your shit.
I dunno…the walks on the beach thing…I take that as shorthand for “like to engage in long, comfortable conversation on things that are important to me.” Not that I’ve dated in 20 years, but…I never interpereted this statement literally. It may not be very creative, but I don’t think it should be a deal-breaker as far as eligibility goes. There are lots of guys who don’t feel comfortable with intimate conversation. If you’re into that, the “Beach Walker” might actually be a good choice.
I actually like the ad despite the TMI factors, but what everyone has said about men and writing responses is true. It’s a waste of time to put any real thought into it. If I’m bored I might write something just to amuse myself, but that’s the extent of my motivation.
Actually looking back, I’ve never so much as met one of the girls for whom I wrote an actual thoughtful response. I either got silence or got drawn into an extended creative writing headfuck experience with an undersocialized freak. On the other hand, a picture and a hey-what’s-up got me hooked up, so there you go.