I don’t give a frogs fat ass who went through what. We need money.
We got a dollar ninety-eight, and you’re laughing!
Trouble with money, though, is that there’s always someone who wants to take it away from you. And ain’t that the awful bloody truth?
I’ll sell you my pee for a hundred dollars. Been off the pipe for two years.
I have nowhere else to go. There is no demand in the priesthood for elderly drug addicts.
If God had not intended for some people to be poor, then He would not have had The Bible published in paperback.
Now, I’m not big on blasphemy, but that last one made me laugh.
If things aren’t funny then they’re exactly what they are; and then they’re like a long dental appointment.
If it bends, it’s funny, if it breaks it’s not funny.
You know what your trouble is, Willy? You always took the jokes too seriously. It was just jokes. We did comedy on the stage for 43 years. I don’t think you enjoyed it once.
Oh okay, so I’m not funny, SHOOT ME!
You can’t shoot me! I have a very low threshold of death. My doctor says I can’t have bullets enter my body at any time.
Have you ever had a bullet hit you?
Kneel before Zod.
A miserable little clerk crawling in here on your hands and knees and begging for help.
Pathetic earthlings. Who can save you now?
Captain, it is I, Ensign Pulver, and I just threw your stinkin’ palm tree overboard! Now what’s all this crud about no movie tonight?
Subject, Toilet paper. One: on 6 June 1941, this vessel submitted a requisition for 150 rolls of toilet paper. On 16 December 1941 the requisition was returned with stamped notation, ‘Cannot identify material required.’ Two: the commanding officer of the USS SeaTiger cannot help but wonder what is being used at the Caviti Supply Depot as a substitute for this unidentifiable material once so well known to this command.
Listen, this old system of yours could be on fire and I couldn’t even turn on the kitchen tap without filling out a 27b/6… Bloody paperwork.
Ah! Yeah. It’s just we’re putting new coversheets on all the TPS reports before they go out now. So if you could go ahead and try to remember to do that from now on, that’d be great. All right!