English, motherfucker, do you speak it?
Oh, why can’t the English learn to set
A good example to people whose
English is painful to your ears?
The Scotch and the Irish leave you close to tears.
There even are places where English completely
disappears. In America, they haven’t used it for years!
You can’t speak? Oh, then you couldn’t be who I thought.
That’s right, fool! Now I’m a flying talking donkey! You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain’t never seen a donkeyfly!
Y’know, I seen me a mermaid once. I even seen me a shark eat an octopus. But I ain’t never seen no phantom Russian submarine.
We all live in a yellow submarine.
… this mindless aberration, whose only means of expression are wanton violence and destruction.
Ladies and gentlemen, look at Kong, the Eighth Wonder of the World.
Will there be boobies?
Boobies, boobies, boobies. Nothin’ but boobies. Who needs 'em?
I am going to show my boobies. Are you here to see my boobies?
I love my children, but I’m a little resentful for what they did to my breasts. It’s like someone blew up a balloon and then they let all the air out.
I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me… but it’s hard to stay mad, when there’s so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I’m seeing it all at once, and it’s too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that’s about to burst… And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can’t feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life… You have no idea what I’m talking about, I’m sure. But don’t worry… you will someday.
Cut the horseshit, son. I’ve got their disciplinary files right here. Who dropped a whole truckload of fizzies into the varsity swim meet? Who delivered the medical school cadavers to the alumni dinner? Every Halloween, the trees are filled with underwear. Every spring, the toilets explode.
But, the real excitement of course is going to come at the end of the summer, during Sexual Awareness week. We import two hundred hookers from around the world, and each camper, armed with only a thermos of coffee and two thousand dollars cash, tries to visit as many countries as he can. The winner of course is named King of Sexual Awareness week and is allowed to rape and pillage the neighboring towns until camp ends.
“I got it! We’ll go riding into town, a whooping and a whopping every living thing that moves to within an inch of its life. 'Cept the women folk of course.”
Think they come clear from Kansas to fuck us?
They’ll come to Iowa for reasons they can’t even fathom.
My friends on the mainland think just because I live in Hawaii, I live in paradise. Like a permanent vacation. We’re all just out here sipping Mai Tais, shaking our hips, and catching waves. Are they insane?
There’s an Iowa kind of special
Chip-on-the-shoulder attitude.
We’ve never been without.
That we recall.