Good morning, Dr. Chandra. This is HAL. I’m ready for my first lesson.
Number 5 is Alive.
You can’t scare her. She’s sleeping with Prince Valium tonight.
Oh, Lord… Either somebody put something in my drink, or you’re the finest motherfucker I’ve seen in ages!
Well, I’m a mushroom-cloud-layin’ motherfucker, motherfucker! Every time my fingers touch brain, I’m Superfly T.N.T., I’m the Guns of the Navarone. In fact, what the fuck am I doin’ in the back? You’re the motherfucker who should be on brain detail. We’re fuckin’ switching!
You know you drive almost slow enough to drive Miss Daisy.
Welcome to the party, pal!
God, I hate rock and roll.
Oh Jesus, I really wanted to learn how to swim. I swear to God I did.
Are you crazy? The fall will probably kill you.
Now you can jump if you want to, but you’ll be taking me with you and that makes you a murderer.
Well, what am I supposed to do? You won’t answer my calls, you change your number. I mean, I’m not gonna be ignored, Dan!
Oh. Johnny, I apologize; I forgot you were there. You may go now.
Well, I think I’ll get saddled up and go looking for a woman. Shouldn’t take more than a couple of days. I’m not picky. As long as she’s smart, pretty, and sweet, and gentle, and tender, and refined, and lovely, and carefree…
They call me Cowboy Gil, as in Guil-ty. I saw Cowboy Dan. I didn’t like the look on his face. It was like this – so I killed him. I blew a hole in him this big. Actually it was about this big. You know, when I think about it, that hole was about THIS BIG! And his guts were spilled out all over the floor! As I was walkin’ away, I slip around on his guts. A couple of other people came by and started slippin’ on his guts, too. After I blow a hole in somebody and slip around on their guts… afterwards, I always like to make balloon animals.
Yo, cowboy. Why don’t you come down here and sit on my lap? I wanna show you something.
We did more than just talk.
We finally really did it. [screaming].
The point is, how do you know the fairy isn’t a crazy glue sniffer? “Building model airplanes” says the little fairy; well, we’re not buying it. He sneaks into your house once, that’s all it takes. The next thing you know, there’s money missing off the dresser, and your daughter’s knocked up. I seen it a hundred times…
You old, she pregnant. Can’t have a bunch of old pregnant bitches running around. That’s crazy, I’m only allowed to let in five percent black people. He said that, that means if there’s 25 people here I get to let in one and a quarter black people. So I gotta hope there’s a black midget in the crowd.