Sometimes when I’ve got a ballplayer alone, I’ll just read Emily Dickinson or Walt Whitman to him, and the guys are so sweet, they always stay and listen. 'Course, a guy’ll listen to anything if he thinks it’s foreplay.
Dad, look what I can do. I’ve been practicing.
You took the words right out of my mouth: I’m ashamed to be your father.
It makes it all the more difficult for me to say what I’m now going to say. Yes. I do feel it’s time to set the record straight. You see, I didn’t come here just as an administrator, Dr. Brewster; I came to this hospital to settle an old score. Now, you all know that my father was a brilliant man; he built this hospital. What you don’t know is that to his family, he was an unmerciful tyrant - an absolute dodo bird. He drove my mother, his wife, to drink; in fact, she - uh, she she she went riding one time and lost all her teeth. The son Edward became a recluse, and the oldest daughter - the pretty one, the charming one - became pregnant when she was fifteen years old and was driven out of the house. In fact, she was so terrified that she would, uh, that, uh, that, that, that the baby daughter would bear the stigma of illegitimacy that she, she - she decided to change her name and she contracted a disfiguring disease… after moving to Tangiers, which is where she raised the, the, the little girl as her sister. But her one ambition in life - besides the child’s happiness - was to become a nurse, so she returned to the States and joined the staff right here at Southwest General. Well, she worked here, she knew she had to speak out wherever she saw injustice and inhumanity. God save us, you do understand that, don’t you, Dr. Brewster? Yes, you did. And she was shunned by all you nurses, too… and by a, what do you call it, what do you call it, a - something like a pariah, to you doctors who found her idealistic and reckless. But she was deeply, deeply, deeply, deeply, deeply, deeply loved by her brother. It was this brother who, on the day of her death, swore to the good Lord above that he would follow in her footsteps, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just, just owe it all up to her. But on her terms. As a woman. And just as proud to be a woman as she ever was.
For I am not Emily Kimberly, the daughter of Dwayne and Alma Kimberly. No, I’m not. I’M EDWARD KIMBERLY, the recluse brother of my sister Anthea. EDWARD KIMBERLY, who has finally vindicated his sister’s good name. I am Edward Kimberly. Edward Kimberly. And I’m not mentally ill, but proud, and lucky, and strong enough to be the woman that was the best part of my manhood. The best part of myself.
Pretty hairy knuckles for a chick.
If you like that handsome rugged type. But personally I prefer short, furry and funny.
I am wonderful, I’m nuts about me, and if you’re stupid enough to throw someone sensational like me aside, you don’t deserve as good as you’ve got.
I feel good, I feel great, I feel wonderful… I feel good, I feel great, I feel wonderful… I feel good, I feel great, I feel wonderful…
All right, all right, ALL RIGHT! Calm down, calm down, take it easy.
Well, there’s no problem. If you have a gun, shoot 'em in the head. That’s a sure way to kill 'em. If you don’t, get yourself a club or a torch. Beat 'em or burn 'em. They go up pretty easy.
The only person who could miss with this gun is the sucker with the bread to buy it.
Look, this. This miniature bread, it’s like… I’ve been working with this now for about half an hour, I can’t figure out… let’s say I wanted a bite, right? You got this… exactly. I don’t understand how… well no, then it’s half the size… Yeah, but then it breaks up. It breaks apart like this… But then if you keep folding it, then it keeps breaking… and then everything has to be folded. And then it’s this. And I don’t want this. I want LARGE BREAD, so that I can put this, so then it’s like this. But this doesn’t work, because then it’s all… Look! would you be holding this? No! Alright, A. Exhibit, exhibit A. And now we move onto this…
First it was butter then it was sugar and white flour, bacon, eggs, bologna, rock 'n roll, motorcycles. Then! It was celebrating Christmas on a day in September when you knew it wouldn’t be commercialized! What else are you gonna ban?
I’ll give you a whole goddamn fruit salad. There are Frigidaires falling from the sky!
You know what your problem is, Junior? You don’t know how to run your plate. See? You gotta make the bread come out even with the eggs.
Now I know you’d like to see Mr.Stubby ride that bronc again, but go and get them eggs like I asked you to. Go on now. Hurry up.
Why you got to go and say fifty eggs for? Why not thirty-five or thirty-nine?
Have you ever heard of the 39 Steps?
Ernest! You pushed me down the stairs.
I see. So, what you’re saying is that, even though you are an almost paralyzed, multiphobic personality who is in a constant state of panic, your wife did not leave you – you left her because she liked Neil Diamond?