A tiger…in Africa?
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.
Who’s in pajamas, Walter?
Shut the fuck up, Donny!
You know, everything is not an anecdote. You have to discriminate. You choose things that are funny, or mildly amusing, or interesting. You’re a miracle! Your stories have none of that. They’re not even amusing accidentally! “Honey, I’d like you to meet Del Griffith, he’s got some amusing anecdotes for you. Oh, and here’s a gun so you can blow your brains out. You’ll thank me for it!” I could tolerate any insurance seminar. For days I could sit there and listen to them go on and on with a big smile on my face. They’d say, “How can you stand it?” I’d say, “'Cause I’ve been with Del Griffith. I can take ANYTHING.” You know what they’d say? They’d say, “I know what you mean, the shower curtain ring guy. Woah.” It’s like going on a date with a Chatty Cathy doll. I expect you have a little string on your chest, you know, that I pull out and have to snap back. Except I wouldn’t pull it out and snap it back - YOU would. Agh! Agh! Agh! Agh! And by the way, you know, when you’re telling these little stories? Here’s a good idea - HAVE A POINT. It makes it so much more interesting for the listener!
I think it’s brilliant! What an idea! And I was there! He took the idea! He saw it ripe on the tree, he plucked it, and he put it in his pocket. It’s, it’s, dare I say… genius? Ah, no, no! But maybe, ooh! ah! maybe it is! Maybe I’m in the presence of greatness, maybe I just don’t know it. But I saw it…
I love this plan! I’m excited to be a part of it!
Doesn’t it give you, like, a shudder of electricity… to be in the same room with me?
Oh, right! To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people! I’ve known sheep that could outwit you. I’ve worn dresses with higher IQs. But you think you’re an intellectual, don’t you, ape?
Jane, do you know what he wants? What this ape wants?
I’m a fucking gorilla, you clown!
Tell him about the Twinkie.
You know what crazy is? Crazy is majority rules. Take germs, for example. Uh-huh. In the 18th century, no such thing, nada, nothing. No one ever imagined such a thing. No sane person, anyway. Along comes this doctor, uh, uh, uh, Semmelweis, Semmelweis. Semmelweis comes along. He’s trying to convince people, well, other doctors mainly, that’s there’s these teeny tiny invisible bad things called germs that get into your body and make you sick. Ah? He’s trying to get doctors to wash their hands. What is this guy, crazy? Teeny, tiny, invisible? What do you call it? Uh, uh, germs? Huh? What? Now, cut to the 20th century. Last week, as a matter of fact, before I got dragged into this hellhole - I go in to order a burger in this fast food joint, and the guy drops it on the floor. Jim, he picks it up, he wipes it off, he hands it to me like it’s all OK. “What about the germs?” I say. He says, “I don’t believe in germs. Germs is just a plot they made up so they can sell you disinfectants and soaps.” Now he’s crazy, right? See? Ah! Ah! There’s no right, there’s no wrong, there’s only popular opinion! You… you… you believe in germs, right?
Ah, if there’s a steady paycheck in it, I’ll believe anything you say.
I meant what I said, and I said what I meant: An elephant’s faithful one hundred percent.
Mister, if you don’t shut up I’m gonna kick one hundred percent of your ass!
Shut the fuck up, Donny!
Silence!
Traitor to the crown?! That crown belongs to King Richard. Long live King Richard!!
The Black Prince is dead! ENGLAND IS YOURS!