Dee-Dee Dorkman and Go-Go Guffman (Larry the Cable Guy and Jeff Foxworthy) are supposed to meet their friend Andre the Giant (played by Lou Ferrigno) at an Olde Country Buffet to discuss phenomenology and New-Age Mysticism. But as the fatties and farting nuns (look for Sally Fields as the taco-sauce-swilling Mother Superior) pile up, it becomes clear that all is not as it seems.
It takes a Sneeze-Guard-Wiper-Downer with a heart of gold (Linda Ronstadt) and her autistic son (Jake Lloyd) to help the boys realize that what they thought was a Google Map to the buffet is in reality a schematic of ConglomerTech’s plans for a mega-mall. To be built right where Grandma (Delta Burke)'s orphanage stands.
Which means that unless they can beat the duplicitous corporate lawyers (Willem Dafoe and Bob Odenkirk) to the right buffet, the orphanage will be nuked from orbit by ConglomerTech’s VP of Evil Satellites (David Cross). It’s pickups and long-haul manure trucks vs. Porsches and Hummers With Hot Tubs as this class war gets taken to the streets.
Brought to you commercial-free thanks to an extended “slice of life promotion preview” from Dollar General.
Singin’ in the Rain redone with a rap soundtrack and modern dance moves. To “keep it real” however, the main characters will be played by Ryan Seacrest, Lindsay Lohan and Pauly Shore. The gal with the squeaky voice that Lindsay will have to save from the shame of moving from silent to talkie (these days upgraded to be the switch from plain old 3-D to IMAX) will be played by Fran Drescher.
Schindler’s List - Miami Stylin’. After they’ve stood in Amon Goetz’ crosshairs, evil drug cartels can’t scare elderly Jewish Holocaust survivors. And when they hold pretty grandaughter’s beach vollyball team hostage, the Schindler Jews chaleria-potches them but good . It’s Shoa meets Cocoon meets Scarface meets every Spring Break romp ever made!
The Scarlet Letter: Hawthorne’s guilt-ridden Puritan-moralistic tale is completely reconfigured from a modern feminist POV. Hester is not only justified in fooling around with Dinsdale, but finds happiness with him in the end. And there’s even an Indian war thrown in for no reason but to add a touch of action.
Yellow Submarine redone as a serious science-fiction movie: Four bar-band musicians accept what they think is a job offer by a weird old man (whom they call “Fred” after multiple failures to pronounce his real name correctly), whose “submarine” is a parallel-universe traveling machine. He explains that his home dimension was overrun by invading aliens whose only vulnerability is certain sonic and electromagnetic vibrations. After searching through multiple universes, Fred finally detected exactly the right combination of frequencies coming from the band members’ electronic equipment as they played. After a series of misadventures in the bizarre intervening dimensions, the band and Fred arrive in “Pepperland” (again, the nearest they can pronounce a name from an unknown language) and manage to defeat the nightmarish creatures they call “Blue Meanies”. (after their color and their habit of brutally killing humans.)
