Spoil the remake

Let’s imagine how Hollywood would remake classic movies to try to appeal to modern audiences. I’ll start:

Fiddler on the Roof, 2010 - Tevye teams up with his daughters to use a magical torah to defeat the Tsar in a battle to the death. The Tsar almost wins, but Tevye is saved at the last second by the fiddler.

This was a great idea for a thread! Play along, you party-poopers.

Bunny Lake is Missing, 2010:
Ann Lake’s young daughter is missing, and not only does no one remember seeing the girl since Ann arrived in town, a sinister force is trying to convince all and sundry that Bunny doesn’t exist. When the police seem to fail to believe the girl is real, Ann pulls out her blackberry and shows them recent pictures of Bunny, and her blog that chronicles the girl’s every mundane achievement. Then she e-mails the hospital where Bunny was born and faxes them a release form for the girl’s medical records. The preponderance of evidence convinces officials that the girl is real, and they soon find her after exchanging information about a party of interest with the police in Ann’s home town.

It’s worth a thread just to list all the suspenseful plots in movies, TV and books (of days gone by) where everything would be resolved in two minutes with a cell phone:

“Quick! Janet’s on her way to the old lighthouse to meet Bradley, but she doesn’t realize he’s the murderer! We’ve got to brave the slippery Cliff Road in the pounding rain and risk our lives and pray we’re in time!!!”

“Umm… wait a sec… Hi, Janet? Hey, don’t go to the lighthouse, okay? Instead, stop by here for the denouement. K, bye!”

Lost: The Later Years

Flocke takes a job at the Vatican but soon discovers that he has to kill a pope every year to stay employed.

Ice Cold in Alex - sponsered by Budweiser.

(And no, despite the title it’s not a porn film).

**Psycho **-- brought to you by Pfizer, Inc.

I should probably explain, the title refers to having a beer (ice cold) in Alexandria, having just trecked across the desert, retreating from the nazis. It is kind of beer-porn I suppose.


Mmmm… beer porn…

And I always tell my students that any movie is better with Nazis-- worked for Sound of Music and Raiders… and Casablanca.

With the sudden appearance of zombies and vampires (shoehorned into Jane Austen novels and now an Abe Lincoln bio), we should expect:

Stand by Me… With Your Braaaaaaains
A plucky band of young pre-teens avoid junkyard dogs and trains on their quest to find a body… only to have it eat them.

The Shawshank Redemption–John Coffey spends 29 years on The Green Mile and becomes a cult leader from prison via the Internet. He is finally released , never to be seen again/

The Graduate Part II
Ben and Elaine are married, still. They live in a big spooky house up in northern California somewhere and Mrs. Robinson lives with them. Her aging mother, who has had a stroke so she can’t talk. It’ll be funny and weird and funny and with a stroke. Maybe it’s not a stroke; it’s a malady of some sort. She’s in the bedroom upstairs listening to what’s happening. They’ve got a daughter who’s just graduated from college. Julia Roberts plays the daughter.

2001 : 2010 3D

The film opens with giant monkey fight. Marvel as the blood and bone splinters literally land in your lap.

Then we move on towards the moon. A giant space battleships has a big space fight with the laser armed monolith.

As Discovery One makes its slow Journey towards Jupiter, HAL (a mega space robot) goes berserk. He kills most of the crew, mostly by chasing them through corridors.

The movie ends after a giant space battle for no particular reason.

Soundtrack by Ludacris.

Gahhh we used to play this nightmare game all the time but wanted to keep it quiet because someone in Hollywood might hear.

My personal favorite: the original “Alien” remade by the AVP people. It’ll be just like the original except without the characters, suspense, pacing and horror. With Megan Fox as Ripley, 50-Cent as Parker, and “The Rock” as Captain Dallas.

If anyone needs me, I’ll be hiding under my desk in the fetal position.

If I were a movie mogul, I’d be trolling The Doper Cafe for ideas.

Seriously. I have no shame.
And I could live with some of my favorite dopers under their desks in a fetal position. While I made my first million writing/producing drivel like:

:::::::::: "The Little Lebowskis" ::::::::::

With Steve Martin and Bonnie Hunt as the parents of twelve plucky “Urban Achievers”, who turn the tables on a rug thief and show him the true meaning of Christmas.

Directed by Ron Howard. With a cameo by a cash-strapped Jeff Bridges as “Uncle Dudie”*.

*yes, the script is full of Doody Jokes: “The doody abides, Uncle Dudie!” “You bet, Little Lebowski Number Eight!” “I’m Number Nine! <cue laugh track> Number Niiine, Number Niiine…”

Oh. My. God.

I’m not sure I can top that.

ETA: This is a good try, though (video)

SUNSET BLVD. (2010)- An out of work songwriter (Ashton Kutcher) ends up the rentboy of a reclusive insane rock and disco diva from the 60s and 70s (Cher) who is twice his age and helps her with her comeback LP, “Boogie Baby Boogie”. When she ends up shooting him Nancy Grace, Anderson Cooper, Jane Velez Mitchell, Geraldo Rivera, and everybody from Court TV and E-tv move into her bizarre mansion. A reality show follows.

Die Hard:On Golden Pond.(2040) Starring a 76 year old Keaneu Reeves as John McClane.

The Life of Brain
The early years

Watch as Brian (the very naughty boy) and Jesus (friendly and wise beyond his years) have wacky adventures. See Brain get into trouble with a snake! See Jesus miraculously curing him! See Jesus breathe life in some clay birds! Hilarity ensues! Watch how Brian haggles for a false beard and pretends to be a grown-up! Jesus and Brain hide and get captured by some Romans with speech impediments! How will they get out of this?!

Driving Miss Daisy- in 3D (2010)- when Jewish American Princess Daisy (Sarah Silverman) and her driver, a washed up former child rapper named Ho K (Li’l Wayne) must go on the lam when her evil uncle Boolie (Dan Aykroyd) frames them in a $300,000,000 embezzlement scam. Along the way they bond while sharing experiences and robbing convenience stores for quick cash. The climactic scene involves whales you would swear were coming straight at you.

Totally aside…now I really want to see Lamb done as a film. (Hey!! According to the author, the producer-director Peter Douglas (with Vincent Pictures) has purchased the film rights to the novel.

It’d be awesome! I hope they make it :smiley:

And I can’t stop laughing at the posts long enough to come up with anything, but thank you for making me spit out steak salad. :stuck_out_tongue: