So there I was, sitting at my desk typing quietly, just as I had been doing all afternoon. Suddenly it hit me – ass. It smelled like ass. It really smelled like ass. It was as though a cow-orker had stood upon my desk, faced away from me, dropped his drawers, and placed his ass-crack right in front of my nose.
What. The. Hell.
I looked around: I was the only one in my office. I looked on the floor: no dead rodents or anything obviously odoriferous. ::sniff sniff:: Pits are ok. ::sniff sniff:: Nothing on my hands. I got up and walked to the hallway: no obvious stink source out there, and my cow-orkers seemed unaware of the situation. I sat back down. The ass smell was all around me.
Reluctantly I stuck my right hand under my ass and left it there for ten seconds. I put my hand in front of my nose. ::sniff sniff:: Nothing. The smell wasn’t coming from me, from a dead animal, from a cow-orker… You’ve heard of spontaneous combustion? Well, I was obviously the victim of spontaneous ass stink (SAS).
And it was getting worse.
I tried to keep typing, but I couldn’t ignore the smell. Besides, what if somebody were to walk in and assume that I was the source of the odor? Nobody would believe that SAS was the real culprit. I had to crack the case. As I spun around in my chair, frantically trying to get to the bottom of this myster, I noticed that the smell increased. Yet the smell didn’t increase if I just turned my head quickly. The only difference? When I spun in my chair, I raised my feet off the ground.
Could it be? I carefully peeked at the bottom of my left shoe…
Massive. Dog shit. Patty. Presumably my puppy’s. There was poo in every nook and cranny. A bizarre development indeed, considering I hadn’t been outside for 8 hours. Either the poo’s ass stink had a delayed-release timer, or… No, that couldn’t be, could it? Could I possibly have gone around all day smelling like puppy ass without noticing it?
My nose was a little stuffed up today, and now that I think about it I had blown my nose right before the ass wave hit me. That means the people on the bus, my cow-orkers, they all thought…
Clearly I am doomed to bear this nickname for the duration of my employment.
