Who said you can’t smell your own? Holy moly, what just came out of my body? My eyes are watering, my tongue needs scraping, my coworkers have fled like startled deer, the washers outside my office window just plunged to the ground at dangerous speeds, and I think I hear news choppers on the way.
I’ve done or eaten nothing abnormal, I swear. Yet today - just now - my body decides it want to gather up years’ worth of putrescence and decorate the office air with it. Methane city. So long, ozone layer, nice knowing you.
I just got some coffee and came back to my desk. Great googly moogly. I think my chair is totalled, it’s going to have to be towed out to sea and sunk by 16" shells at long range. I swear the cushion wasn’t dented like that before.
It was quiet. It was noiseless. It slunk out of my body and went to do its dirty work like a thief in the night. No, more like an assassin; an olifactory assassin. A dagger up the nose would have been preferable.
Oh no. I feel a certain rumbling in the depths. Oh no. Clear the decks! Run for your lives, she’s gonna blow! AIIIIEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeee…
::cough, cough:: Well, now we know how long it takes a fart to travel halfway around the world.
I sincerely hope you don’t have any outdoor plans for tomorrow afternoon, cause the fresh country air from down the road oughta be hittin’ you about then. You can try pulling your shirt up over your nose since sometimes it helps a little… Damn those crappy cows, anyway.
You been eating the same thing as my golden retriever, Askance? Because he can clear the room with a choking miasma like nothing I’ve ever smelled before. If you figure out what it is, would you let me know, please? Because the dog’s SBDs are near lethal!
Hell, my tiniest cat can drop quite a bomb. You will be sitting innocently, petting her, she’ll have her eyes half closed and purring, when suddenly there will be this hiccup in her purr… then she will go back to that dreamy eyed purring, gazing up at you as if you are a god, and her offering comes drifting up to your nostrils. No, Kero, honey, I’m not crying because it was a beautiful sentiment.
And her… uh… BVDs are near lethal.
[sub]I don’t know what SBD means, and I wanted to fit in.[/sub]
We had an otherwise normal cat - oh, no he wasn’t actualy normal, but…
(Try again) One of our cats would leap on a friendly lap, circle, knead a bit, settle, then the SBD would come. You could feel your nose hairs curl, and your earwax melt and ooze out of your ears.
Walked back into the room after one of the cats had farted to hear one friend say to another “But do you think they KNOW how bad the cat’s farts are?” “How could they NOT know?”
Vet time.
Turns out the high level of offal, particularly liver, in some brands of wet cat food can cause farts that would tattoo a nun. Said cat was put on a diet of particular types of dried cat food, and the problem…minimised. Not gone, and certainly not forgotten, but lessened.
Golden Retrievers are not the only breed that Fart to Kill. My lovely little innocent 6 month old Gordon Setter Nick could be hired out for chemical warfare. And unfortunately he lays on his back next to my desk. Sometimes I hear a soft poot, and then am engulfed by the green fog.
Ahhh. Silent But Deadly. I only know the abbreviation SBD from a MMORPG I play, and it means Serrated Bone Dirk. My rogue is nasty wielding on of those suckers, but I wasn’t sure how it applied to pups.
I’m sorry, Anastasaeon, I’m really not laughing at the fact that you don’t know an acronym for farting – considering how much products of various nether ends are discussed around here, it didn’t occur to me that someone wouldn’t know the acronym – but instead, I’m just about falling off my chair picturing your poor cat sitting there all undignified in itty bitty kitty BVDs!
Most of the time, this dog has no effect on local air quality. Give him a few dinners of less-than-high-end dog food, though, and he’ll make a mixture of bleach and ammonia seem like potpourri by comparison. It’ll penetrate through a Level A Hazmat suit.
I wish quality of dog food had something to do with it for Nicky; he is fed a very good food , and still I am bombarded on occasion with Dog Farts From Hell. It’s not all th time, oh , no . He will lull me into a sense of security, thinking everything is fine and dandy.
