Spring has sprung in my neighborhood! -or- Miracle Gro as a riot control weapon.

Spring is definitely here in my neighborhood!

My new neighborhood is filled with all sorts of quirky nuances. I have a fairly decent sized river flowing in my backyard, with a big levee that people like to walk on. It’s great! You sit back and watch and wave at people that walk by. A block away there’s some corner stores, a small strip mall, and a pretty good bar. My nextdoor neighbors are also great! Their kids play in the yard and the street, and sometimes come over to pet my roommate’s dog Winston (he loves kids). My other neighbors however, are somewhat less “mainstream”.

“Jim”***** and “Barbara”***** are great people - when they’re sober. We’ve had 'em over for barbecues and run into the merry couple downtown a few times. Now, mind you, they’re not violent drunks, and he hasn’t laid a finger on her. However, you can hear them in the yard when they get back home from the tavern. It’s funny most of the time, other times kind of annoying (Minot vice comes occasionally and cites 'em for being loud & obnoxious). Figure it’s like the Honeymooners with alcohol, or maybe that one particular episode of South Park where Mrs. Hanky comes out.

In any case, I visited my current house last summer (I just moved in within the past few weeks) and heard 'em yelling about something. She chased him out of the house yelling something about the dog and cats, and waving a book in a threatening manner. Next thing I know, he’s passed out on the lawn, and she’s hosing him off yelling at him to get back in the house. Funny thing is that she had a Miracle Gro hose attachment - to feed the lawn and control the husband. It seemed to work, as Jim sprung back to life 5 minutes later and staggered into the house. All was well.

I happened to be on the #straightdope last night when I heard the taxi dump 'em off at their house. It was snowing here, and the first thing I heard was “Goddammit Jim, harry up wit dem keys, it’s cold out here!”. Alarm Yellow, MOPP Zero. ****** So, they get back into the house and nigh 30 seconds later, he decides he’s going to “kiss the tree”. At least that’s what it sounded like. I left IRC for a beer, and to watch the fun for a minute. Danged if he didn’t stagger outside, lean up against the tree, and hug it. I came back down to the computer, and all seemed well - until this morning. . .

On the way out of my house to start up the car, I saw two big puddles in their yard where the snow had melted. One was off to the left, and the other one contained our hero Jim, being hosed off by his wife with - you guessed it - Miracle Gro. They didn’t notice me, and she kept on hosing her husband down quietly. I went inside and reappeared 5 minutes later to leave for breakfast downtown. Strangely, I noticed Jim and Barbara weren’t outside anymore. The hose had been left strewn in the yard. . .

I’m not sure what this means, but I’m starting to see a pattern here. I don’t know how toxic Miracle Gro is, but it seems to work wonders on the modern drunk. Being the sound intelligent mind that I am, I’m curious to find out if we can exploit this feature. Perhaps if we arm the Cincinnati cops with hoses and Miracle Gro, everyone will be happy?

Tripler
Just a small observation from my quirky neighborhood.

*** Note:** Names changed to protect the innocent.
**** Note:** Attack is imminent, no chemical gear required.

It’s gonna be really cool this summer when there are a couple of Jim-shaped patches in the lawn!

You know, you might actually have stumbled across the greatest advance of the day! Miracle Gro could solve innumerable problems we confront every day, feed the sick, cure the hungry, and even revitalize the flagging United States Economy before it goes down the toilet, dragging with it screaming venture capitalists and investors.