Start an urban legend here!

In My Humble Opinion
41

For broadcast on all Internet Message Boards!

It has been recently discovered that hackers developed a computer virus that could be passed on to humans in 1996!

It seems this virus can only be passed from computer to human at message boards, bulletin boards, etc. It is coded into the text of messages on the bulletin board. When the human reads it, it infects their brain. It seems the code is so sophisticated, anti virus companies have yet to come up with a remedy.

This is how the virus works. You read a message posted by an infected person, and you become infected. This causes you to start posting long, idiotic, mindless posts which waste precious bandwidth. The virus is replicated in your message, and passed on to all who read it. It is estimated by the FBI that up to 93% of all people who have ever visited a message board are infected. This virus not only reduces the infected human’s intellect, it threatens to bring internet traffic to a halt by 2007! This is ten times more dangerous than the Code Red Virus, as nobody nows how to eradicate it!

Please report all suspicious looking posts at message boards to the FBI, but PLEASE DO SO ANONYMOUSLY! The FBI has been instructed to perform frontal labotomies on anyone found to carry the virus! Please pass this message along to all your friends immediately!

42

told to me as a kid (as i was eating a bowl of cerial),when i was old enough to know what sperm was. but still young & gullible.
“milk is 75% cow sperm” =D

43

Prior to the collapse of the Soviet Union, the KGB had built up major intelligence networks in China, the Middle East, Europe, and naturally within the Soviet Union itself. These were areas the CIA was also interested in, so when the Soviets lost their ability to support these networks, a high ranking KGB official approached the CIA and turned all of these agents over to them. Since 1992, the CIA has been supporting thousands of former KGB agents, most of whom are unaware of the change in financing.

44

–In the early 1960s, a young African American boy stoically endured the teasing of his classmates concerning his cranial deformities. Mike learned that it is what is on the inside that counts.

Mke had a dream of being an actor, but was told that with his deformity, he could do little more than appear in sub-par horror movies, or join a circus as part of a side-show freak exhibit.

This never stopped him, nor his goal of playing a character rich with drama and excitement.

In the mid-1980s, while driving on 405, late for a plastic surgeon’s appointment, Mike took his eyes off the road only for a second. . . and rear-ended the car in front of him. Eugene, the driver of the car Mike hit, instead of being angry, on the spot, standing amidst the carnage of their automobiles, offered Mike a major co-starring role in his upcoming TV series, a sort of sequel to his earlier work.

Mike accepted, his eyes filling with tears of gratitude. He never made the appointment with the plastic surgeon, only the one with his destiny.

Some fifteen years later, he is a beloved icon, though most folks still don’t realize that as his character of. . . Worf on Eugene Wesley “Gene” Roddenberry’s “Star Trek: The Next Generation,” Mike. . . Michael Dorn, WORE NO MAKEUP APPLIANCES WHATSOEVER!

–Cougarfang is actually the internet handle of my favorite musician, John Mellencamp.

–John Mellencamp and Chuck D. have collaborated on a song on Mellencamp’s upcoming album, “Cuttin’ Head.”

One of the above is true.

Sir Rhosis

45

Most unsolved serial killings are actually professional murders. The killer will murder several victims, one of whom is the victim they were paid to kill, in the manner of a genuine serial killer. The police investigate random killings differently than murders-for-hire, so the professional killer slips away undetected.

46

The reason Clinton was so insistant on sending Elian back to Cuba was that Castro offered him a lifetime supply of the best Cuban cigars if he did so.

Ronald Reagan was so anti-communist that he demanded that all the red jelly beans be removed before the jar was put on his desk.
(Wanna take bets on which of these ends up on Snopes first?)

47

Marvel Comics is planning to release an “adult” series of magazines, with graphic nudity and sexually explicit stories, featuring the characters from their regular lineup in an alternate “mature” universe.

Israel has secretly constructed a cobalt-bomb “doomsday device”, which they will detonate if Israel is ever conquered by the Arabs.

A deposit of gold ore was discovered in Anarctica, but it’s existence was hushed up to avoid the annexation of Anarctic territory claimed by different countries.

The Defense Department has quietly squelched all attempts to develop commercial spaceflight, so that space can remain the domain of the military.

Michael Jackson wears a prosthetic face mask in public to hide the damage from botched plastic surgery.

48

Rob Van Winkle, better known as Vanilla Ice, is the descendant of Rip Van Winkle.

The government wants us to believe NASA never sent humans to Venus, but they actually did once, in 1989. We have all been fooled by the “We Never Went to Venus” hoax, which will be debunked three weeks from tonight on FOX!

The expression “That’s the way the cookie crumbles” is derived from an ancient Egyptian law, which stated that a person could only crumble a cookie into 47 pieces or fewer. The punishment for breaking this law was having to sit through a stern lecture on proper toenail care.

All instances of racism in the world are caused by evil mind-scrambling rays emanating from a secret transmission tower on the island of Blorf in the Arctic Ocean. Once this tower is destroyed, there will be no more racism.

When dogs and cats are both given a test where they must escape from a maze made out of plastic, dogs escape 68% faster on average than cats. When the maze is made out of steel, however, cats are able to escape 31% faster on average than dogs.

If you translate the Bible into Chinese and only read every fifth character, it becomes a secret code to achieve immortality.

Women tend to shift the foot they put their weight on every 12 seconds while standing, and men shift their weight every 7 seconds.

14% of the world’s electrical output is used to power electric fans.

The video game character Sonic the Hedgehog was named after a politician named Sonny T. Headbog, who was famous for jumping around a lot and making very fast gestures while giving speeches.

49

Government surplus cheese contains satellite-linked mind-control nano-machines, hence it’s popularity, this is also why it is wrapped in plastic, never foil.

Prepacked wafer thin sliced ham is the only meat product that can legally be made from cats, due to an ambiguity in packaging standards regulations.

The UK government is under obligation to buy seventeen million traffic cones per annum for fifty years (from 1992), after a minister failed to notice a misprinted contract term, the roadworks that one encouters frequently on the British roads are nothing to do with essential repairs; it’s cheaper to pay contractors to dig up the roads than it would be to warehouse all of the cones.

The phosphorous in saftey matches comes from crematoria.

Polo mints are a by-product of the ball-bearing manufacturing industry, how else would the price be so low?

50

The International Square Dance League is in fact a front for a sinister organization intent on abolishing all forms of canned soup aside from split pea, in order to deprive humans of a vital vitamin found only in canned soup. The existance of this vitamin is the best kept secret in human history. Without exposure to a source of this vitamin at some point in our lives, human beings will explode at around age forty. This accounts for the lower life expectancy at previous periods in history.

51

West Nile Virus is a form of bio-warfare being developed by the CIA. It was designed to be a mosquito-born virus, and was tested extensively on a test population of crows and other common birds. It proved to be quite effective, and was then tested on people, also proving to be effective. Scientists found that the animal which proved to be the most effective transmitter of the virus were sharks, which when infected with the virus, became likely to swim close to shore, and given an increased sense of smell, were more likely to find and attack their targets.

52

There is a hitherto undiscovered race of Fox-People living in the Connamarra area of Ireland, and the Scottish Highlands. This species of sapient vulpines are the probable origin of banshee and werewolf myths.

Wrapping your head and body in aluminum foil will not keep out the alien mind-control waves…on the contrary, the foil turns you into an antenna!

If you are swimming and see the fin of a great white shark coming toward you, swim as fast as you can towards the shark. Its two-volt brain will become confused by this unexpected behavior from its would-be dinner and swim away fom you in terror.

Dialing a cell-phone’s own phone number causes a feed-back loop, resulting in a cascade failure of the region’s cell infrastructure. Yeah.

53

split pea soup is made of soylent green soylent green is made of…

54

In 1935, Louisiana Governor Huey Long was shot and killed by Carl Weiss. Weiss, in turn, was immediately killed by Long’s bodyguards. When coroners began their examinations of the two bodies, each man was found to have a torn half of a dollar bill in his pocket. The two halves were put together and matched perfectly. To this day, no one knows how the two men, who never met before that day, came to be carrying the two halves of this bill.

55

The legislatures of all 50 states have recently passed, but the Governors haven’t yet signed, secret legislation outlawing marriage. Should the states be required by some court ruling to provide the same marriage benefits to gays and lesbians, as they do to heterosexual couples, these bills will be signed and no one will be allowed to get married.

56

Little Nemo,

That’s one hell of an UL (Long and Weiss’ dollar).

Just wanted to acknowledge it.

Sir Rhosis

57

Dogs lick your face because they’re trying to french-kiss you.

The reason your keyboard starts up with the NUM LOCK already
running is because its really a default setting by the manufacturer to monitor typing preferences…results uploaded everytime you go on the internet, and the next generation of keyboards are redesigned accordingly.

Goliath was Samson’s illegitimate son.

Water becomes flammable at 5000+ degrees centigrade.

58

Thanks, I figure there’s always room for another assassination UL. But if I ever hear it on Paul Harvey, I’ll sue the bastard.

59

A lot of people believe in the existence of an alternative justice system possibly controlled by Freemasons or similar organisation. A lot of suicides and accidents are really the result of this type of retributive justice. This explains why people who suicide so often seem to do it “out of character”. The rules of this organisation are quite conservative and don’t reflect changes in society’s values. It may seem ok nowadays to watch pornography, wear revealing clothes and swear but these things are still seen as sinful by this anonymous group. Feeling depressed?

60

Who is this I.G. Norance they talk about around here anyway? Whoever they are you would think they’d done something really bad. Even so, it’s rude to be impolite for nearly thirty years isn’t it? It’s just not nice.