Sounds to me like serious CONTROL issues. I hope you get these worked out before you get married and they manifest in other “pet peeves” over petty little shit of no real importance.
Duck Duck Goose, yeah that post pretty much sums it up, much better than I could word it. Thank you.
Of course my feelings are hurt when she doesn’t want what I have prepared or purchased for dinner. I mean, that $16 pizza equates to three hours of my work today after taxes. That’s three hours on my feet staring at the clock thinking “God I hate this job, this better be worth it”. Equate out what rent and bills cost on a per-day basis, I actually lost money today even though I spent 9 hours at work. So yes, it does hurt when I see 1/3 of that possibly going to waste. Well, waste is the wrong word, but I’m having trouble thinking of the correct one. Not go to its fullest potential? Something like that. You paid for it, you want your money’s worth, you know?
As for my parents at dinner time, you sit there until you finish your plate because it is the polite thing to do. If you don’t like the food, at least have the courtesy of pretending to like it and dispose of it when no one is looking (I tell ya, my dog loved meatloaf night). Same idea as stated above: my father worked at a factory job he hated for 24 years (and counting) so that he could support my mother and I. The least we could do was act grateful.
But regarding takout pizza being something nice, it is. Ever try to feed, cloth, and pay bills for two people on $17k per year? Generally dinner probably costs 2 for us both, all said and done. For example, last night I fried sliced potatoes and onion in olive oil, mixed with egg, cheese, garlic, and rope sausage. Delicious, and under .60 a plate. A night of spagetti is even cheaper. Or fried rice.
And to alieve the concern Alice the Goon, she’s a fairly small girl, build wise. Sometimes she eats more than me, sometimes she just doesn’t feel like eating, sometimes she’ll be busy and forget she hasn’t eaten. Nothing of concern.
You need to get over yourself.
Man, I wanna live in your version of reality.
I think you’re heading down a road that ends at Control Freak City. Sure, you worked hard to earn the money, sure, you should budget carefully because your finances are tight, but I think it’s a bad thing to be thinking of your SO as eating certain specific numbers of your dollars, equating to certain specific periods of your work. If she leaves the pizza crusts uneaten on her plate, are you going to whip out a calculator and tell her how much, in terms of your toil, she’s throwing away?
I’d pick a more important issue to fight over, if I were in your shoes.
That’s not to say I think it’s good manners to start eating before anyone else - I prefer to wait, or ask “do you mind if I start?”, or deal with it some other way - it’s just that I think your reaction seems out of proportion with the problem.
wow just wow. When your food is ready, eat it. If you are hungry, eat it. You like your food cold and stared at, don’t eat it.
I was brought up in the days when women rarely worked. My mother was mostly a full time housewife and we sat down together for many meals each week. The standard idea was everyone waited until the cook (my mother) joined the table before starting. It is only polite to wait for the person who did all the work.
However it would not cross my mind to have an argument about starting to eat before everyone is at the table or everyone has been served if the meal has been bought. Often at work lunches people sit around waiting for the last person to be served. I encourage them to get eating while the food is hot reminding them of the time Nancy’s meal never arrived.
Sounds to me like you just resent having to work to feed her while she’s still a student.
Next time, just pick up the pizza on the way home from work so you can both dig in at the same time.
IT’S JUST BREADSTICKS.
It’s an appetizer, for Christ’s sake.
As you’ve elaborated a bit since the original OP, it’s obvious that for you, a breadstick ain’t just a breadstick…but if I picked up dinner for my boyfriend and I and he wasn’t home yet and I was starving…and the meal included appetizers…I’d have a couple appetizers!
It wouldn’t matter who paid for the meal, or who was working and who wasn’t, or how broke or rich I was…if I’m starving and there’s hot bread in front of me, I’m going to eat it!
What if you were at a restaurant and she hit up the bread basket without you?
What if you were in the restroom when the mozzarella sticks showed up?
How far does this train of thought go?
I do agree that generally speaking, the “main course” should not be started by oneself, if you are sharing dinner with someone else. My own boyfriend will make a plate and leave it untouched til I sit down, even if we’re eating in front of the TV and dinner consists of grilled cheese sandwiches…even though I’d rather have him eat his food while it’s hot. I find this habit of his both charming and a bit antiquated, like a guy who always stands when a woman stands. It isn’t a requirement but it’s old-fashioned good manners.
However, this idea that “I put food on the table” and “I’m supporting us both” and “that meal was three hours of work after taxes” and stuff? This idea that she shouldn’t have touched the appetizer til you got there because you’re the one who bought it?
I think that’s more the problem here than her having some breadsticks before you get home.
If she paid all the bills would you be this upset? What if she paid half of them? Would it matter at all or would you still be enraged?
Just food for thought. No awful pun intended.
Boy, just the thought of having leftovers after a meal must just about kill you.
This is reminding me of the food allergy/vegetarian threads where people get all in a tizzy because other people don’t eat what they expect them to. What an incredibly uptight attitude. It’s polite and acting grateful to eat everything on your plate, whether you want to or not? Everyone has to bow down and worship you (through how much they eat) because you paid for the meal? Please don’t have kids; they’ll have eating disorders by the time they’re three years old.
You can explain and rationalize all you want, but I still think you need to stop taking what other people put in their mouths and when so personally, and get over yourself.
You let your girlfriend eat at the same table as you? Pussy. Empower them like that and they run all over you!! What’s wrong? The floor isn’t good enough for her? Fucking bitch!!
We were raised to wait until everyone was seated, then one family member said grace before we could all dig in (note: “grace” was said as fast as humanly possible “blessusourlordandthesethygiftswhichweareabouttoreceivefromthybountythroughchristourlordamen” followed by a sign of the cross made so fast the hands would blur).
But a couple of breadsticks? Heck, those are an appetizer and, for something as informal as a takeout pizza? Dude, chill out! Choose your battles!
Now, had she started in on the pizza itself? That’s worth fighting about!
Re restaurant meals: We try to make a point of waiting until everyone’s been served, unless one person is getting a salad or soup and others are not, of course. If the not-yet-served says “Oh, go ahead and eat!” we might do so.
Bear with me for a bit of an analogy.
One of the questions they asked us in premarital counseling was how our families celebrated Christmas. The idea was to get us talking about what we felt was a dealbreaker for how Christmas, which comes but once a year, needed to be celebrated. Does Santa bring the good presents, or stocking stuffers? Do you open anything on Christmas Eve? Real tree or artificial? Are there any extended family events that can’t be missed? What, on both sides at the same time, but in different states? The idea was that each couple would need to establish its own house rules for Christmas.
Mealtimes seem like the same deal. And you and your girlfried sound like you come from fairly different backgrounds in terms of family traditions. I don’t think the key is how similar or different the backgrounds were, but how committed you both are to coming up with compromises you can both live with.
To the specific question, I think adults let other adults munch on appetizers, but wait for the main course. Not letting someone touch the food at all is treating someone like a child, like you can’t trust them to know the difference. Your parents were probably that strict because they were setting an example for kids. Left on their own, you don’t think they maybe munched on a few olives first?
If you and your girlfriend are serious and thinking about marriage, I’d recommend the premarital counseling thing. Most churches offer that free or at minimal cost. Especially with a move coming up (as I saw in your other thread) the more you two can think through how you’re going to interact as a team, the better. Things will get much messier when you add the stress of moving, unfamiliar surroundings, distance from family etc.
Never mind
My thoughts exactly. They’re not a side dish. They’re there so people will have something to munch on during the ride home or while the table’s being set. You know, so they don’t have to sit and wait with a hot pizza smelling like heaven and an empty stomach. Jeesh.
I also agreed wholeheartedly with the title and then read the OP… while it’s nicer to wait, it’s okay when you pick up sandwiches and chips to eat some chips in the car, for example.
Even at a restaurant, if two or more people have been served and the food for the rest is delayed by more than a few minutes, I believe it’s considered acceptable to start rather than let your food grow cold. Those not yet served should say something like, “Oh, please, go ahead and start.” In a really good restaurant, of course, this should not happen to begin with.
For a sit-down dinner in one’s home, yes, it’s polite to wait until all are seated and served. Unless, of course, the inlaws invited for dinner at five o’clock are still not present at 5:30, in which case to heck with them.
This is a recipe for Hell On Earth. I can’t imagine living that way, I wouldn’t want to inflict it on others, and I can’t imagine living with someone who expected me to live this way.
“I hate my life, but I put on an act for you. So you’d damn well better put on an act too!”
I grew up in a household much like your gf’s but I agree, it is rude to eat before everyone else is at the table – unless otherwise noted previously. I’d say 5 days out of 7 on average, I cook a real dinner for my family and we all sit down together (not always at the table, though) and will usually chat, wind down, whatever. I don’t hold everyone to the “no one eats until we can all eat” rule, but out of respect they usually do. There have been a few times that I or my husband were running late and told the other to “go ahead without me” but usually we wait.
All that being said, if this is something that makes your blood boil, you need to talk to her about it and get her buy-in. Honestly, I don’t think it’s that big of a deal, especially when you’re talking about pizza.
And just for the record, holy crap at some of the responses. Seriously, while the OP might have a really big issue to deal with, a few of the other posters have some serious bitterness. Geesh!
I vote for get over yourself. I’ve been poor enough that pizza is a rare luxury, and I’ve been in situations where one person believes in formal dinners and the other is a “fend for yourself” type. You know what? Doesn’t mean you get a free pass to be a control freak.
It was an appetizer. She left the main meal intact. And it is about the least formal form of food around. Pizza was meant to be torn into. She acted entirely in line for a pizza meal, and even a bit more polite than I would have.
Loving someone from a different family background than you is as much a culture shock as an interracial relationship. And you just have to learn to understand and deal with the differences. This probably isn’t the first such difference, and it won’t be the last. You absolutely cannot say “if she loved me, she’d change.” She’s not here to play house for you or be your mother. She’s here to be that wonderful, beautiful person who your presumably love (or at least like.)
Enjoy the thing you have, so many other wish that they could be so lucky! Love her quirks and all, because that is what makes her her. It won’t be easy and you are going to have to bite your tongue now and then. But thats part of being an adult.
I suggest a compromise- maybe a formal meal at a set time once a week. You’ll be able to get your taste of home, and she won’t feel like her boyfriend is controlling her eating habits (really- not your business if she wants to eat snacks! It seems like your current method isn’t working so I think you are going to need to incorporate some "fend for yourself"ness in your way of life. Either that or you can keep doing the same thing and keep running into that brick wall.