Steve Martin's Holiday Wish

Cafe Society
1

NBC ran a SNL holiday special tonight and they ran that old chestnut, “Holiday Wish”. For those not familiar with it (and too lazy to google the vid), I’ll briefly recap.

Steve wishes for the following things, in succession:

  1. All the children of the world to join hands and sing in the spirit of harmony and peace
  2. $30 million a month given to me, tax free
  3. All encompassing power over every living being in the entire universe
  4. Set aside 1 month each year for an extended 31 day orgasm with Rosanna Arquette and supermodel Paulina.
  5. Revenge against all my enemies

Then, he re-orders it to 4, 3, 2, 5 and 1.

But by my analysis, wouldn’t Steve only need to wish for #3? The other wishes are subsets of that wish.

It’s like wishing for a pecan, then a slice of pecan pie, then a whole pecan pie, then complete ownership in a company that bakes many kinds of pies including pecan. And then putting those wishes in the wrong order.

Or are we supposed to conclude Steve has sexual dysfunction and Viagra hadn’t been invented yet? But the wording of #4 is all wrong. What if you find you dislike the sensation after an hour? And there’s no way to turn it off? And by hour 8 you are wishing for death?

By my interpretation, #3 is still a superset of all the wishes because it gives you #4 for free even if you no longer have sex organs. What is “all encompassing power” if it does not also include the power to grow new organs? The wisher is a living being so he has power over himself. And with #3, you get immortality as a bonus.

So, does #3 give you everything? What if a giant meteor is headed to Earth? With #3, you can rally all the resources and minds on the planet, but would that be enough?

I say it all hinges on whether “all encompassing power” allows the laws of physics to be broken. If no, then the wisher must leave Earth or be annihilated.

If yes, then just transform yourself into a God-like being with superpowers.

2

I don’t think Steve Martin has ever accidentally said something absurd.

3

I haven’t seen the video, but it sure sounds like a mistake to me. I don’t know why he can’t keep his facts straight.

I guess I ought to say something good, so I’ll say that I wouldn’t mind giving at least some of that power to Steve. He taught me a lot.

But I’m sure you knew I was going to say that.

4

Not sure if Rosanna Arquette would be on anybody’s list these days.

5

At the time, she was sexy as all get out.

6

A $30 million monthly income to the absolute ruler over all life forms in the universe? Some Filipino businessmen earn more than that.

7

Fer cryin’ out loud people! You’re killing the spirit of Christmas!

8

I see what you did there (and approve). :smiley:

9

…because there’s there’s so much to be gained by analyzing absurdist humor. :wink:

It was a joke. It was funny. Carry on.

10

That’s an awesome bit of writing. It’s not a joke filled comedy routine, it’s a two and a half minute solo character sketch with Steve Martin as the butt of the joke.

And isn’t the delivery wonderful? Love it.

11

It’s a concept called “comedy” and is done the way it is because the order makes it what is known as “funny.” These are human concepts that perhaps you don’t grasp.

12

You know, medicine is not an exact science. But we’re learning all the time. Why, just fifty years ago we would’ve thought your daughter’s illness was caused by demonic possession or witchcraft. But nowadays, we know that Isabelle is suffering from an imbalance of bodily humors – perhaps caused by a toad, or a small dwarf, living in her stomach.

13

Here you go: Steve Martin - 5 Christmas Wishes - YouTube

14

I still say it’s witchcraft, and we should try her as a witch. We’ll try her by a jury of four people. Wait, not enough. Eight people! Still not enough. Eleven people. No, still not enough. Thirteen people! No, that’s too much. Somewhere between eleven and thirteen people. We’ll figure it out.

15

The beauty of that bit is how he relists everything every time he adds one (like 12 Days of Christmas). In one of the iterations he rephrases wish 1 as “that crap about the kids”. Comedy genius.

16

Viagra hadn’t been invented yet. It was released in 1998.

17

That’s my favorite part.

18

Another classic Martin bit, as a used-car salesman hooked up to a lie detector: Steve Martin: Used Cars - YouTube