One, there’s a level of conflict between these two statements. Not necessarily completely opposite one another but conflicting none the less.
Ummm… excuse me, aside from the “Perfect Girl who will Make Him Complete” part is that not what this thread is basically about? Though I’m not taking Stranger as being nervous/obsessisive as much as “I’m striking out left and right, maybe you guys can help.”
Also, I’m not suggesting this with every woman he’s thinking of writing… I am thinking about the one he started discussing in this thread that he appears to have already written, already not gotten a response from and already written off as not interested in him.
Well, I doubt I crushed her spirit. She’s not quite my bag, but quite attractive the the Coyote Ugly style of fashion. I believe I overheard her talking to the “old”[sup]*[/sup] bartender about her boyfriend, so…
Ah, that’s a problem for another thread entirely. I haven’t really been able to make friends since I’ve move here. Work just isn’t a good place for reasons to extensive to enumerate, and other activities, like diving or hiking, just haven’t resulted in anything of that kind. My “friends” are the barstaff and waitrons who have remembered my name and ask me how I’m doing when I make the rounds. Yeah, I’m that pathetic.
Well, if that’s in binary that’s not so bad. But you’d need a big flashing sign, and possibly a blunt weapon to make me realize it if you were flirting.
Stranger
*Rach is 24 years “old”. First time I walked in the bar to get a drink I almost had to check her ID.
Actually, I haven’t gotten a response from any of the 27 young ladies to whom I sent messages. That’s a little worse than the standard, I think, but well within expected error bounds.
That does bring up another question, though: is there any point in sending a second, unsolicited message, especially if I’ve modified (i.e. added pictures) to my profile? I’ve always assumed not–it seems rather stalkerish and even more clueless than I would normally consider myself–but heck, I’m completely out of possibilities and still have a bunch of unused credits. I don’t mind making an ass of myself for a good, or even mediocre, purpose, but I’d rather not be served a restraining order from a girl I’ve never even met.
Not pathetic at all. You work with engineers (who still can’t have my email, thank-you-very-much) and participate in solo or solitary activities. Of course you’re not meeting women.
Have you thought about doing activities that girls might do as well, such as ballroom dancing, SCA or a local book club? Not that women don’t hike or dive (I love to backpack myself), but looking for women at the top of mountains and the bottom of oceans is generally a fruitless activity.
Sending a second message, whether you’ve changed your profile or not depends on how much time has passed. If more than a month has gone bye then it’s perfectly vaild to try again. Unless your first attempt was truly memorably bad you are likely coming in with a clean slate. Women are so pittifully out numbered by men on many of these sites that many women I’ve talked to are sorting through inboxes containing dozens of new replies every day.
I really do like those sites that allow you to get some passive information like AmericanSingles, AdultFriendFinder or UDate which actually inform you when someone has viewed your profile. Hey it’s a tiny sign they were interested enough to check you out but every bit of positive reinforcement helps.
I do keep coming back to something you have said more than once in this thread. Should you be dating or looking to date?
Are you looking for someone to date because society expects that as a sign of being a real human being that’s got worth and all that wonderful stuff or are you looking for someone to date because you actually want someone to spend a little serious snuggle time with?
How much of your current time are you willing to spend toward making that happen? Are there elements of your personality/lifestyle that you’re willing to change to help that process or must they dovetail perfectly into your current lifestyle with minimal changes to your routine?
Picking up on people’s moods and reactions isn’t just some inborn talent. It can be learned and if you’re going to get better at this it is something you will need to work on.
Not at all. I said he could and should present himself as positively as possible without pretending to be someone else. That’s what salesmanship is. Salesmanship is very important in online dating.
It is what this thread is about, but that doesn’t mean anyone in their right mind would show it to girls they’re trying to date, any more than you would email them excerpts from your diary. Part of making a good first impression is knowing what to share and what to keep to yourself at first. Going on and on about how nervous and insecure you are? Bad idea. Going on and on about how bitter you are at an ex? Bad idea. Link to message board thread enlisting help writing girl an email? Bad idea.
Stranger, get several good photos, maybe punch up the profile here and there, and email this girl (and a bunch of others) again in a month or so. I really think with better photos you’ll see a much higher success rate.
The ballroom dancing is a great idea. I’ve taken a few years of ballroom lessons, and there are always many more females than men in these classes. There are also ballroom dancing clubs, with regular dances. Or how about a mixed-league slo-pitch team? There’s always drinking and socializing after the games.
Stranger, I think part of your problem is thinking of women as something other than human beings, just like you. A good-looking woman that you’re thinking about asking out has had every self-conscious, obsessive, worried, negative thought that you’ve ever had. When it comes to making conversation, think about how you would like to be approached, and do that for other people. And remember that everyone else is probably just as nervous and self-conscious as you are - people are much kinder and forgiving than you’re giving them credit for.
(The weird guys are hanging out in computer dating services, MagicEyes. At least, mine was. )
Oh, I wouldn’t subject you to that horror. However much you like might geeks in general, you wouldn’t be to thrilled with this crowd, I suspect. I call them the “Mail Order Bride Catalog Demographic”, and not without good reason. Seriously.
I could give excuses to end the world as to why none of these excellent suggestions would work, but the simple truth is that I’m just bloody awful in social situations. Not just a little shy or withdrawn; I very often shut down in these types of situations. It’s a real problem, and something I’m trying to work on, but my tendency, to a point of compulsion, is either to hyperfocus on the task at hand (dancing, for instance) or avoid any contact, preferring to find a nice dark corner to hide in until the business ends and I can go home and dig into a nice, safe book.
Gah, I sound more neurotic than Woody Allen. Sadly, that’s probably true.
Society can stuff a hedgehog suppository for all I care; I would actually, genuinely like a snugglebunny. The problem, however, is that I do in fact have some inate difficulties in recognizing emotional states and nonverbal cues in other people. This isn’t just errant speculation but a conclusion based upon neurological testing. Not to get into the whole business of it, but basically I have to put forth conscious effort into doing what comes more-or-less naturally to most people, and that typically doesn’t leave a lot left over for actual return communication.
In watching a film, for instance, I’ll often pick up on small details that other people miss. In conversing with a single person, I can usually hold up my end if there is a topic of discussion about which I can speak with some knowledge, or some line of questioning I can pursue. In public speaking I do just fine; it’s never been a problem. But interacting, espeically in a group situation or with someone I don’t know and can’t well gauge their responses I tend to get lost, distracted, and anxious. For me, making small talk is worse than water torture, and trying to carry on a conversation with someone with whom I share little in common is an exercise in futility. This whole “chemisty” business that women find so important is a complete mystery to me. It’s not just a witty conversation or demonstrating that you are interested; it’s…well, I don’t know what the hell it is, but I’ve been told repeatedly that I don’t have it.
It is something I’m seriously trying to get better at, but I’m not making very good progress (obviously), and in reviewing this thread I’m really wondering whether trying to date at this point isn’t just a bad idea entirely for everyone involved. I get motivated sometimes but have a hard time maintaining enthusiasm in the face of even modest challenge and particularly with something like this that has such a nonlinear sort of response. I like things that go “Bing!” when you push the button, without all of the business of sitting and waiting and trying to second-guess someone else’s opinion or point-of-view.
Sorry for the rambling; 'tis late and the wine tasted so good.
but i can’t even find a semi-quirky girl. they’re all sorority types. i can’t deal with that incessant cheeriness.
but good luck, stranger. i’m sort of lurking around your posts looking for pointers as well. i’m posted on a few dating sites and it looks like we have similar rejection statistics, which i guess makes me feel a little better. i think i’ve sent out 30 notes and maybe received 1 canned “no thank you.”
i think i do need a new photo. but it’s a little difficult when you’re not a picture person, and you don’t have a digital camera. i’m too embarassed about the hwole online dating thing to ask any of my male friends to take a picture, because i’ll NEVER hear the end of it. so i’m visiting a female friend up in chicago at the edn fo the month, and she knows of my plight, so i’ll get her to snap some photos. she’s pretty artistic, so mayeb we’ll get some decent ones. right now i have a blurry scanned picture from probably 2001.
if it’s not the quality of the photo i’m out of luck. i’m not tailoring my profile for anyone, because hey, it’s me. i don’t want to be misrepresented, because then, what’s the point? looks like i’ll have to buckle down and force myself to actually gasp TALK to people in real life.
i’ll have to figure out some way to get around a lot of women, because the “cold call” is next to impossible for me. i just feel like an ass doing that. maybe join a gym, take some classes, stuff like that. people always mention going to church, but that means going to church, and meeting a girl who goes to church. that seems like biblical hell to me. i took a welding class but suprisingly it was all dudes. go figure. maybe painting.
i’m not trying to hijack here, i just wanted to let you know there are other people out there in the same situation. i’d put good money on alot of girls in the same situation, as well, we just have to find them.
Hi Stranger…wait, you know barstaff and waitstaff? That’s perfect! IN A SHORT STORY, explain to them that you’re having trouble meeting women…they’ll keep an eye open for you and perhaps meet some single women and tee up a night they will be at the same place you will.
Incidentally, there is nothing wrong with what you said to new bartender…if you follow it up with a visit and a SHORT EXPLANATION: "gee, I’m sorry about my remark the other day, I just couldn’t seem to think of anything to say…woul dyou like to know how I do “secret money rolling thing”? If she’s a bartender, she’s probably more social than you and will carry the ball from here. Try it, what do you have to lose? Stop thinking about it so much and just do it. Who knows, she may have a friend…
Why do you think I cut code for a living? Immediate gratification/clear warning/error messages and no repercussions for it taking 5 or 6 tries to get it right.
And while I don’t see any reason to get out of the dating field entirely , from what you are saying you absolutely must get help. I’m talking cognative therapy here. You’re descriptions are likely exagerated a bit to compensate for text not conveying enough secondary communication queue’s but you are coming up with wonderful symptom lists for things like social anxiety, mild depression and all sorts of other things that a qualified professional can help you overcome IF you are willing to do the work.
On the other hand if you’re going to make a half assed attempt and declare you’re just not capable of it, don’t bother starting.
But you’d need a big flashing sign, and possibly a blunt weapon to make me realize it if you were flirting. 
