Stranger, I may be a bit dim but I can’t get any of the sites you quoted up…what am I doing wrong? Yes, I know, curiousity and all that!
I dunno. I just checked and personals.fark.com with a user search on “beowulfreader” works for me. I pop up in all my leering, five-o-clock shadow glory. Maybe I’ll get one of the waitresses at my usual haunt to snap some pictures of me.
Stranger.
Okay…curiousity satisfied although that truly is a crappy picture (yes, I know Canadians are supposed to be polite, I prefer to think of it as honest) - the guy who’s in it is hot, but the picture? Nope. Need straight ahead eyes and that smile.
Since you like it outdoors, get someone to take a picture outdoors, preferably in shorts, t-shirt and hiking boots. It is what you like to do, isn’t it?
I simply cannot understand why you wouldn’t have dates lined up out the front door? It’s definitely NOT your appearance. What about the waitress at “your favourite haunt”? Does she have any friends? What about a sailing club?
Unfortunately, I lack the assistance of someone else to take pictures. Pseudosister Kate was suppossed to be coming out this month but her job situation may be changing (for the better, for her) and so…I guess I need to figure out how to get some pictures taken.
This might explain why I’m not so accomplished with the ladies. I’ve never really considered myself all that handsome, but I’m not hideously deformed, either. I’m equally as perplexed as to why I’m not getting any responses online, even from women I wouldn’t normally approach or be interested in in (based on appearance) in real life. Clearly, this thing has worked for others, and aside from the picture issue no one has really noted any dealbreakers in the profile. The best I can figure is the height; it seems that most women (or at least, those whose profiles have caught my eye) are looking for someone over 6 feet tall. It doesn’t matter if she’s 4’8", they all seem to want 6’+. I can’t imagine this is really a hard and fast requirement, but that’s all I find that really throws me out of the game.
All the waitresses at the haunt are attached. I suppose they have friends and whatnot, but…I hate the idea of going around and soliciting for dates. These girls are pleasent enough to me, and I think they enjoy the opportunity to commiserate about idiot customers, but I don’t suffer from the illusion that they think of me as anything but a customer or that they’d miss me if I were gone, and I don’t want to presume upon them for social contacts.
I’ve tried doing the club and class thing and that just has gone nowhere. Again, that’s me and my serious social deficiencies (that I’m trying to overcome or work through, or whatever the accepted catchphrase is these days.) Making small talk just isn’t my bag, and I tend to overwhelm or turn off people when I start going into some kind of dissertation about a topic I know something about, or otherwise clam up and say nothing with the topic of conversation is something I’m not familiar with.
There’s this whole “chemistry” thing that I just don’t get. To me, chemistry is stoichiometry and long-chain molecules (and isn’t my best subject, anyway.) The social thing…I’m just terrible at it. I guess, with an attitude like that, I probably shouldn’t be dating at all. But I’d like to change that.
sigh
I don’t know, bloody apathetic planet, I have no sympathy at all…
Stranger
If you can’t think of anything to say, just smile, say hello and wait for the other person to start conversation, no doubt with a question. Then you can answer and so on and so on, keep it simple and short sentences.
I’m no rocket scientist when it comes to conversation either but I’ve noticed that people who are tend to ask questions, listen to the answers then go on from there.
If it’s sympathetic at all, and to illustrate how truly bad I am at conversation out loud, the conversation I dream of having with someone exists perfectly in my head until I open my mouth then I tend to mix words up and stutter if I’m nervous. The thing I’ve learned to do, rather than try NOT to do that, is laugh about it. I just stop when I listen to the gibberish coming out of my very own mouth, laugh and say “can I please try that again, I’m a little nervous”. Take a deep breath and try it again. Anyone worth their salt will stick around to hear it. Perhaps you are condemning yourself, and them, a little too quickly ending the conversation when really the other person would want to continue.
Don’t give up on the waitresses - perhaps they know someone who you can be friends with and who may want to go out with you to see what happens and point out some helpful hints. I know some people who have done that and it’s worked out remarkably well.
Your ad is amazing, but I would never have gotten past your picture to go to it. But then, I’ve always thought online dating sites should match people up primarily based on similar words in their ‘Interests’ category, but that’s just me. You can get anyone around you who has thumbs to take a hanful of pictures of you w/ a disposable or something and then get them developed in downloadable form at the drugstore. If you can do it in the park while sitting next to someone else’s dog, all the better.
Just my 2 cents, now I’ll shut my pie-hole and wait for the HGTTG movie to come out…
Don’t you have a camera that can take photos with a timer? Might be slow, but beats waiting for psuedo-sis to come down whenever she can.
I try this; sometimes it works when the other person is gregarious enough to cover for my social [in]abilities, but often it’s just…not enough. I’m a pretty dull guy to talk to, really; I don’t like talking about myself (especially answering the three standard questions) and continually asking questions is eventually tiresome for the other party.
Hmmm…I just hate bugging them; they’re at work, they don’t have a choice or an escape. I know when working as a bartender or a waitron the thing I hated most was a customer who tried to ingratate himself or assumed some kind of friendship. Obviously, that’s not always the case, and I try, as a customer, to avoid that kind of situation, but I’m not very good at reading peoples’ intentions or nonverbal cues. Mostly, I just feel a responsibilty–probably to excess–to avoid irritating or discomfitting anyone who has to serve me or be around me as part of their job responsibilities.
Well, I guess that’s another vote for the photo being a deal-killer. I supposed this makes it official; new photos.
I do, and I shall…it just seems less than spontaneous. I mean, I’m not going to be taking pictures of myself in a bar, or lugging a tripod up Mt. Wilson, or anysuch. Still, it’s a way to get something better than what is on the profile currently.
So, any other recommendations for a venue change? Has anyone had success with Lavalife?
Stranger
Hi Stranger! I thought your profile was great, and it should appeal to the right kind of person. I get the feeling you’re a little like me–not quite mainstream, a little bit quirky. It’s harder to find someone who’s on your wavelength, and I think when you’re looking at online dating, it’s hard to be in the right place at the right time when someone who shares your interests is there, too. Maybe it’ll just take a little more time for the right person to see your profile.
I’d agree on the new photo, too. If you can get something with you in action, that would be great. Nice scenery might get some attention.
So, hang in there and keep looking! Good luck!
First, your height is not a problem. Put that idea out of your head. Second, you misspelled “toilet”. That probably isn’t the dealbreaker, though. 
Maybe a catchier subject line? Try and sum yourself up in one sentence (go ahead - I dare ya!) Other than that, I’m stumped, too - you’re good looking, obviously intelligent, you seem funny, interesting and mature; I’d answer you if you emailed me. And you cook, too - what’s the matter with the women you’re emailing? Are they daft?
Patience, young padawan. I didn’t meet my husband until I was 33. I was pretty sure up until then that I would be alone the rest of my life - how could someone as weird as I am find someone? And then I found someone as weird as I am. You’re doing the right things - you’d have a lot smaller chance of meeting someone if all you did was sit on your couch and watch tv every night.
This sounds like my problem exactly! I’m weird, and I just never meet people who are as weird as I am! What’s your secret? How do you meet weird men? I was married for a while, but deep down, he wanted to be married to someone more normal, so it didn’t work out. So where can I find the weird guys? Is there a special place where they
hang out?
It depends on exactly what kind of weird you are looking for. But there are a lot of us on the Straight Dope. 
Stranger, i’m not trying to be negative but perhaps a course in positive thinking is an idea…you seem to think of a reason things won’t work before you even try them and, if you don’t mind my saying, a rather negative view of yourself.
Try this: each time you think of a reason not to do something or not to say something, think the opposite (that would be the positive side). It takes time but it’s definitely worth it.
When I read your answers, I hear “well, I was going to ask you out but you probably don’t want to go out with me, and I’m not very good at conversation and I can’t do this and I can’t do this so never mind, forget I asked”
Sooner or later, even people you meet on line, you will have to meet in person - why not got better at it now?
Stranger: please take these suggestions in the spirit in which they are offered. 
Some of the people around here are just a little bit too weird! 
And Stranger, I agree with CanadianGirl–don’t give up just because you think it won’t work. If you never try to talk to anyone who looks interesting, you’re guaranteed not to get a date with them. If you do talk to them, it might go bady, or they might be interested–either way, your odds are better than if you did nothing.
If you’re not comfortable talking to people, it’s good to get some practice, so you’ll be more comfortable when you’re going out on a real date. Don’t be so hard on yourself–you’re good-looking and you’re an interesting person, and I’m sure you’d have a lot to talk about with the right person. Some people are just difficult to talk to, and sometimes it’s not your fault if the conversation doesn’t go well.
The stripper was wrong–you’re not a cheap bastard with no social graces or appealing characteristics, and I’m betting you won’t be alone next Valentine’s Day. (Okay, you might really be a cheap bastard–I can’t tell that from this thread. But the rest of it’s not true!)
Oh, I’m not offended, and you’re absolutely right; but I think my problems go a lot deeper than a positive thinking course is going to address. As I said above, I probably shouldn’t be dating at all, reallly, but…I’m in my thirties but can count the number of actual relationships I’ve had on the digits of one hand with enough appendages left over to grasp a pen and write my sorrowful memoirs of lonelyness and regret. :rolleyes:
One of my biggest problems is not picking up on signals, or being able to interpret them correctly. For instance, yesterday I was sitting at the bar at the pool hall I frequent, and the “old” bartender was training the new girl, and insisted that I show her the coin-rolling thing I do with my hand when I’m reading. The new girl, A, said something to the effect of “That’s hot! Did any girl ever tell you that was hot?”
To which I replied, “No, that’s never really worked for me.” Oh, that’s clever. I could have at least made some farcical comment about being Orsen Welles bastard child or something. :dubious:
Four hours later, while waiting for a movie to start, it occured to me that maybe that was some kind of flirt, perhaps even a blatent one. :smack: Or not. 
Most likely she’s just being friendly and bored. :rolleyes: I could go back and try to respond :eek: but then I might totally alienate her and not feel welcome to go and play pool on Sunday mornings. 
Oh, what a :wally I am.
Yeah, I know this kind of second guessing thing goes on all the time, but it usually takes me hours (or in a few cases, years) for me to realize that the girl in question might have been flirting and at least potentially interested; that doesn’t even take into account all the times I didn’t pick up on anything at all.
And then there’s my boss yelling at me because I don’t “get” all the underlying politics in meetings and what so-and-so really means. Fah.
People. What a bunch of kneebiters. I’d rather hang out with a nice, friendly grizzly bear any day.
Stranger
Stranger, I agree that’s a bad quality photo (with the flash in the corner) but I wouldn’t go so far as to say that it would cause me to pass you by. A bad quality photo doesn’t help, but you’re good looking enough that poor lighting wouldn’t scare me away. I feel like I can still get the idea of what you look like.
JMHO.
My suggested message to red haired hottie…
Subject: It Takes a Village
You know I tried several options before I sent you my last note, I even asked some friends…
Just in case you’re curious, this was the result.
If that doesn’t get some sort of a reply or at least a new doper then she’s not the sorta lady you’d really have been interested in anyway, would she?
Stranger,
OK, here’s my perspective… Background… I have been on and may currently be on any dating site you can think of. Search for the name Dublos and if you get a hit, it’s me.
At this moment I have a date on Tuesday with a lady I met on AmericanSingles, on Thursday I have a date with a lady I met on OKCupid, and I have a other ladies who I’m trying to schedule dates with that I met on OKCupid, HotorNot and Lavalife. And damn that’s just amazingly egotistical for me even to write.
And yes all of these ladies know the others exist and that I’m seeing them.
And I’m an introspective computer geek (INTP). I read science fiction and play computer games. If I spend too much time with/around other people I’ll over react and go hermit for weeks/months at a time.
For me… after at least one message back and forth of mutual interest the next several are usually taking skeleton’s our of closets and shaking them to see if they are a problem for the other person. I’m honest, but usually tactful enough about it that I get more “Thanks but no thanks” than 'that’s just creepy, goodbye."
I don’t send out many initial messages anymore. I just let my profile speak for me and if a lady drops me an indication of interest I’m courteous enough to drop her a thank you note whether I’m interested or not, and if I’m interested I say so.
What about your profile would/should a) interest a woman that you’d be interested in and b) set you apart from all the other men on that service? e.g. on my AdultFriendFinder profile I have several pictures posted. I have my clothes on in every single one of them. Yes, that is in fact unique. You absolutely MUST get a better picture. Headlines can be less than stellar, your picture IS your initial hook. As many in this thread have mentioned, you’re a good looking guy, the current picture however sucks. Take the exact same setup, move the light so it’s not actually in the image, add more lighting, take a dozen captures. Shift things around, take a dozen more.
Pick the top 6, put them somewhere that the dopers can view. Listen to the advice given, rinse repeat.
Stranger, you are exactly my type of man*: really good-looking? Check. Intelligent enough to be intimidating? Oh yeah. Weird and unlikely interests that match my own? Yep. Complete and utter cluelessness? sigh uh huh.
You probably crushed that poor girl’s spirit, but you should go back and ask your bartender friend about her anyway. You still have a shot, if she’s not completely insane.
Do you have any female or gay male friends who will go out with you as a reciever? You need someone much more sensitive than you to kick you in the shins if a girl is sending signals and you need to answer the clue phone.
- I’m not flirting because A) you’re 11 years older than me and B) you wouldn’t get it anyway.
:eek: This is the worst idea I’ve ever heard. Honestly, you may as well mail her a photo of you fellating a farm animal.
Image you want: calm, self-confident guy who noticed her profile and took a moment to dash off something clever to see if she’s interested and worth getting to know better.
Image you don’t want: nervous, obsessive guy who spends weeks getting tips from random message board yahoos on how to win the attention of the Perfect Girl who will Make Him Complete.
You don’t have to pretend to be someone you’re not in order to make yourself look as good as possible. Online personals are all about selling yourself.