A friend of mine online once mocked me for using far too many long words in a sentence. “But,” I protested, “I sound like this in real life too.”
“Yeah,” he replied, “and I’m a jerk in real life, too!”
It amused me.
I met my husband online and one of the first things he did that sealed the deal on my attraction to him was crack a joke about Franz Kafka (specifically riffing on ‘his vaudeville routine with his brother Hans’.) One of the first things I did that caught his attraction was use a citation from the OED in a chatroom. Be yourself. If you’re the kind of person who writes eloquently using words that are perhaps above the street vocabulary, then that’s who you are, and there are plenty of us out there who find that a damn sexy thing.
Back in my single days I had several rules that seemed to work for me, and I am no longer single going on 10 years, go figure!
Be yourself, cause if you act like someone else in your approach and then you go on that first date you are still gonna be you and then it could wind up being a disaster. This will do your esteem no good especially if she is the babe you think she might be.
Trolling for dates in the personals sections is a little like russian roulette. Or playing mystery date. Many out there are doing it just because the don’t have enough time, but a few, whoo boy, They talk a good game, but after a while, dum, dum, dum, dum, you wonder if you are safe in the shower if you know what I mean.
I found my wife by going out and doing group like things where the kind of girls I might like to spend the rest of my life with might be doing for fun, in my case that was church youth group activities full of grad students so they were smart to boot, but maybe you are into classic cars, or nascaar or something else.
Whatever. Find out where the girls who like the things you like to do and are doing it are AND GO THERE!!!
Never act desperate. Never. 14 emails to the same person is the same as shouting I AM A CRAZY PERSON NEVER EVER OPEN MY MAIL!!!
14 single e-mails given the thousands and thousands of people in the dozens and dozens of singles forems is a drop in the bucket. This is mass merchandizing buddy.
If a girl’s picture looks halfway decent she probably has thousands of letters to choose from. LITERALLY.
TAKE A HARD LOOK AT YOUR PROFILE STARTING WITH YOUR PICTURE.
Is it there at all. Most girls will ignore you completely if it isn’t. They will assume you look like a ball of puss filled with zits and are 90 if you don’t have a picture.
While you are at it. MAKE IT A GOOD ONE!!! Yes. That’s right. A nice picture where you are dressed up a little and your hair looks good and you maybe look a little hot or upscale. Don’t look like a frat boy ready to upchuck.
Upload a few more pictures of you with cool looking friends. INCLUDE some nice looking girls who look like sisters or friends in at least one of the shots smiling at you even if you have to rent them. This will prove that women can stand to be in your presence. If they are in formal wear or beach wear so much the better.
Write nice things in your profile interests. If you see “Her” profile look at yours and see if yours has anything in common with hers. If not that is a bad sign. Are you sure she’s the one, or are you only thinking with you know who?
OK if you just have to meet her, even though it is highly unethical, I have heard of guys changing their profiles to be a closer match to the girl they want to respond before contacting her watching out especially for things like smoking, drinking, pets, children desires, etc. or other deal killers.
Now as for the introduction something complimentary even though honest, I saw you profile and really liked it. We seem to have a lot in common (now truer) and would like to get to know you better. You are really amazingly attractive, though I suspect the photos don’t do you justice, unless you posted pictures of a model instead. LOL That would be OK, because I liked the stuff you put in your profile, but I have to admit that I am hoping that you do match your photo.
I am (I hope) funny, attractve, warm, like to (and so on)
If you like my message please drop me a note or maybe we can set up an e-chat, or maybe you and your friends could get together with me and my friends at some public place you like.
Hope to chat soon…
Hope this helps.
But in all things first.
Be yourself. And, don’t be a :wally
The girls who post in these personals sections are human beings who just want to find a nice guy. Most of them anyway.
Peter
Who has a blog, but was admonished not to put a link to it in my posts anymore so I don’t, even though its non-commercial and I don’t sell ads. But if you thought about it, you might be able to do a google search and find it.
Okay, I’m sure I don’t have to tell you this, but don’t change deal-breakers in your profile to meet a woman. That is one of the stupidest things I’ve heard in a long time, Peter.
As of last Friday evening, 27 (new) messages sent out.
Any guesses on how many responses? Anybody?
Yes, you in the front row. Zero! That’s correct.
In nearly every case, the recipient in question has in fact logged in since I’ve sent a message, so it’s not just an issue of the women not checking messages regularly.
::sigh:: So, I’ve literally exhausted the listing of women who fit in the (fairly broad) parameters I’ve set. Very irritating, especially since (aside from an issue with one photo) no one here really found any issues with my profile in this thread. I tried a variety of styles in messages, from the very brief “Your <characteristic/interest/whatever> in your profile caught my eye; let me know if you’d like to talk” to the more elaborate (but still short) message intended to demonstrate my (always questionable) sense of humor and convey my sincere interest.
I’m at a loss, at this point, for what to do. Some have suggested, in the other dating thread, that perhaps the venue is the issue. Any suggestions on where else to try? I’ve tried Match.com before (a couple of years ago) and a few other smaller ones without success. Has anyone had any particularly good success with one site over all others? Any other recommendations?
don’t give up. did you sign up for a month? keep looking. Try another one, there’s many out there, then come back to this one in a few months. Maybe Red just didn’t want you or is involved or someting, it happens.
A while ago, I had given up, exhausted the few in my area for about the tenth time with no responses and then I got an email from someone on her last day of the service who was exactly like me(which sorta scares me!) who had her profile hidden and was only emailing people. We’ve only emailed because she’s too busy, but she seems to like me…so don’t give up.
But don’t rely solely on this either. Meeting in real life is easier and faster and you (and her) will be less picky. I’ve heard people bash on speed-dating because ‘how can you know someone in 5 minutes’, well, how can you make a decision based on 1 photo and one or two pargraphs…?
Hi Stranger - I have been reading your threads for quite some time…may I make a suggestion?
Get out more. You sound like you’re making this your life’s work. Before you jump all over me, I met my husband through a classified ad in the local newspaper. I answered his ad (actually had called the 800 number for a bit of a lark after a couple of glasses of wine - just to see who would match up with my specs). Voila, he was the only one and, after me leaving a somewhat drunken message, he called a couple of days later.
I know it may sound old fashioned but try the local newspapers and their classifieds. I’ve seen some wonderful ads in them (other, of course, then the ones which start with “tired of”). Who would want to advertise they stay at something until they’re tired of it?
Join a volunteer club (Lions International; Optimists, etc). Doing public fund raisers is a great way to meet everyone. Even to meet people to become friends (who knows, maybe they have a friend).
It will also help with any shyness, difficulty with conversation, etc. too.
From what I’ve read about on-line dating, it seems to be much as you describe - sort of a mass mailing effect. That can’t be good for anyone’s ego! I’m not saying it’s impossible however the odds seem to be against.
By the way, I really like your name…Stranger on a Train is something that brings to mind something I bet everyone does - wonder about the guy/girl sitting/standing next to them on the subway! And how much they may want to meet them but just can’t bring themselves to walk over and say “hi”. MAkes you wonder how many lost opportunities there are!
I hate to suggest it, because it’s expensive and I don’t agree with its biases and blah blah blah, but I’ve had good success with EHarmony. I had to hold my nose to do it, but I’ve had three dates and one six month relationship with them; it helps because to communicate at all you have to be paying, so people are invested in the thing. Once you start talking with somebody you will probably meet them unless you hate them, otherwise you’re wasting your money. However, many of the people you “start communication” with may not be paying or may just be in it for the free personality test. A good bet is to just “start communication” with people who have filled out the whole profile thing. YMMV, of course.
I’ve used this particular one for about two years, though intermittently (as my interest and enthusiasm for dating waxes and wanes.) I believe the most recent back brings the total statistics up to 289 messages sent out, 12 responses, 0 proper dates. These weren’t the infamous “top 2%” of women, either; it was every profile that met some fairly open criteria (about a 15 year age range, high school education or above, non-smoker.)
I tried Match.com before that, and sent out something like 600-odd messages with no responses, although I got a few unsolicited messages from East European “buetys with big bazooks”. :rolleyes: Near the end, I was just cut-and-pasting messages; it was too much work to draft out a personal message to each one, and I was just kind of going on rote by then.
I suck, suck, suck at meeting people in real life. The only reason I got on with the Irish girl was because: [ul]
[li]we were stuck in a sailboat (sailing class) for most of 10 evenings,[/li][li]being an MIT and U-Mich engineering grad, she didn’t mind my use of words like “orthogonal to” and “momemt arm” in casual conversation,[/li][li]she beat me to the punch on Monty Python and Hitchhiker’s quotes,[/li][li]she’d just moved to town and had no friends, and,[/li][li]Opal didn’t do nothin’ for me, here.[/li][/ul]
Normally, I tend to offend or confuse people by saying what’s on my mind, and I’ve no comment on most things people make small talk about. I’ve tried, and am trying, to be better at it, but the Dale Carniege approach has its limitations. Faking sincere interest in other peoples’ fascinations with popular culture and sports is tough.
I tried speed-dating once; that was three hours of pure, unmitigated hell–several women pointedly asked me how much I made and were offended when I didn’t give an explicit answer (“More than an organ grinder, less than a rock star,”)–and the result was 0 out of 30 interested women. The service was “guaranteed to produce results”, the guarantee being that if no one showed interest then I could come back another time. Needless to say, I didn’t go back.
A) This is terribly subjective B) My attempts at chatting up girls were legendary for their spectacular lack of success C) Be Yourself is the only and best advice I can give, but D) here goes with a few comments:
Lose the “Heys” and the “kind ofs” - doesn’t come over well on the page/screen. And gives the impression of studied coolness. Not good. Too many direct questions - makes you sound a bit desperate and nerdish. Give her more of your opinions. You’re a guy, but you sound like you’re trying to be a girl, or at least are trying too hard to “relate”, “empathise”, etc. Girls like men who are mennish - i.e. opinionated (and funny and intelligent - which I take it as read that you are).
So, for starters (as an example), how about sthg along the lines of:
“Dick’s Dr. Bloodmoney is blah blah blah (don’t praise it just for the sake of it - 'll appear phoney or strategised).”
The first sentence re the storms seems sufficient to me - next bit seems a bit pretentious. But that’s just me. And don’t let me cramp your style.
Depending on your age, and the age range you’re looking for, you might try OK Cupid. It’s totally free, with many of the same personality tests and questions found on other sites. I mention the age thing because the site skews young-ish – most folks are in their early 20s.
That said, I’m 33 and it worked ok for me: I met one guy within a few weeks of signing up, and met another guy a month later who I’m still dating (happily enough that I deleted my profile).
Also, your link in the link didn’t work for me, either.
Try any of the Spring Street Networks sites (the ones on the sidebar of popular sites; I use personals.fark.com but they’re on nerve.com and theonion.com too) and search for “beowulfreader” (I think that’s right.) Knock yourself out.
I got tired of answering questions on OK-Cupid, so I said tohellwithit at about 300 answers and let it be. I didn’t send out any messages and have received none.
Zsofia, I’m a bit leery of eHarmony, not just because of the religious bent but also because it seems to be marketing to marriage-oriented folk, of which I’m not one. Perhaps it’s being a little overcautious, but I’d rather not mislead or get involved with someone who has radically different and conflicting goals.
Any other suggested venues, on-line or otherwise, for a terminally-disassociated social misfit? Or should I just buy a mannequin and a hot water bottle and give it a miss?
Dude. If you’re going to do this online personals thing, you have got to get a better picture. The “took it myself in 10 seconds with a digital camera/web cam” thing wasn’t a good idea back when online personals first came out and most people didn’t understand how to convert pictures into ones and zeros, and it’s a terrible idea now.
Seriously, right now your picture is a big fat dealbreaker. You’re a good looking guy, but if I was a girl visiting your profile I’d click away as soon as I saw it. It’s sloppy, and women have two hundred other profiles they can look at which have clear, flattering pics. The photo is at least 90% of online dating.
Is the picture really that big of a dealbreaker? That’s actually probably the best adult picture (not that kind) that anyone has taken of me. The quality isn’t great, but then, compared to most of the ones I’ve seen, it seems to be better than average (i.e. you can actually make out the face, not drunk or hanging all over a member of the opposite sex in an obvious state of intoxication, et cetera.)
That being said, yeah, I definitely need a better pic. I’m waiting for Moneypenny to visit so she can snap some pictures of me “in action” in various scenic outdoor locales (Big Sur, Golden Gate Park, Redwoods NF) but in the meantime I’m sans photographic assistance.
If you were a woman, you could get away with a half-assed photo, although you’d still get a lot fewer nibbles than with a good one. As a guy, if you’re not willing to put the effort into making a good profile with a great photo, you’re wasting your time.
The thing is, after your complaints about getting no responses, I looked at your profile expecting to see someone (hmm, how to put this delicately?) ugly. You’re not, at all. But you have a shitty photo, so you may as well be.
Get a friend and a digital camera and take hundreds of photos. If none of them are good, take a few hundred more. Good lighting, good clothes, good background. Some indoor, some outdoor. Put the best 2-3 on your profile. Profit.
I have noticed that you’re into hiking and the outdoors a great deal, are you in the Sierra Club? They offer a LOT of singles only hiking trips, especially out here in LA county. Moonlight walks on the Crest could be a good way to meet people
I tried that. I found it a really annoying, in that it was nearly impossible to get people moving, and then people wouldn’t stop jawing enough to actually make progress up the trail. Yeah, I know, the socializing is the point of the exercize. But the problem is that when I’m doing something (hiking, a class, volunteering, whatever) I tend to focus on task. I also got really annoyed the number of people who kept stating their fear of bear attacks. :rollleyes:
I’m much better at dealing with social stuff in the hypothetical than in any actual situation. It’s a problem with nontrivial solutions.
