SO…I try to make the most popular girl in school laugh out loud by doing something silly. While trying to hold back a laugh she snotted all over her mouth and down her chin.
While trying to hold back my own laugh…I FARTED. :eek:
My friggin’ head has been leaking for something close to two weeks now. If it wasn’t primarily clear, I’d be hitting up my doc for antibiotics.
And inspired by Ashes, I wonder now…
Y’ever blow your nose, and pull the tissue away to find that there’s a thin, stretchy runner of glop connecting your nose to the now damp tissue, like some sort of bizarre mucousian nasal web? So you grab another tissue, with your free hand, trying desperately not to get this organic brain lubricant all over your hand and shirtsleeve. And shielding your fingers with the fresh tissue, you reach up and try to grab it as close to its “base” as possible, damn near stuffing your fingers up the offending nostril.
And then, when you pull on this semi-liquid streamer of sinus smegma, it feels like your brain is indeed sliding out your head via your nasal cavity?
I hate that. Especially 'cause the last half inch or so always always flops over the edge of the tissue, forcing you to wash your hands for a good ten minutes, trying to get the feeling of cranial super lube off your hand.
I love to pull out the super snot strings. Then when they’re out, I love to dangle them from my finger before I put them in the tissue. Sometimes you can dangle good old thick and sticky sinusy snot for about a foot from your finger. Then you can move your hand up and down in rhythm and get that snot to stretch and bounce like a Slinky. Of course, sometimes they’ll break and you have to clean them from the floor.
At work once, I had a truly explosive sneeze that I just barely managed to filter with my hand. I had given life to a green-tendriled mass about the size of a golfball. I’m not sure if it came from my nose or the back of my throat, or perhaps formed in my hand as an unholy union of both orifices. I stared transfixed as it slowly started seeping through my fingers.
At that instant, someone from another department appeared in my cubicle for a meeting. I never had the opportunity to wipe off my creation unnoticed, and had to sit through the meeting with Cthulhu cupped in my palm for half an hour. Surprisingly, after about ten minutes, it ceased to feel disgusting and felt rather comforting.
I’ve always had a fair bit of a hang-up about not-so-nice bodily functions, and I am still traumatized from something that happened when I was a kid. I was swimming with a bunch of other kids I had barely met, and I got some water in my nose. I wiped my nose, not thinking about it, and one of the girls pointed (actually quite nicely, now that I think about it), and said, “You’ve got a bloody booger on your face.” Humiliated, I jumped out and ran to the bathroom to find the biggest bloody booger I’d ever seen, stretching from my nostril all the way across my face. I hadn’t felt it because my face was wet!
I had a cold this weekend and pretty much spent it camped out on the couch. I had to cough once and since no one was home I didn’t cover my mouth. I saw this little “barbell” go flying across the room towards the TV. I looked later and never could find it. I’m hoping it stuck to a piece of firewood. I do so love the smell of snotty pine.
The shop I work at, we have these weird snow shovels that we use during heavy snow storms. They are shaped like an upside down “U” with the open part having a plastic band across it. The plastic band is concave and its not meant to shovel snow as much as just push it along. Hence the upside down “U”. The bottom part of the “U” is where you grab on and you hold onto it like a straight bar and then you push.
Anyways, I had the bar across my sternum while I was pushing some snow off the sidewalk and just as I started running I hit a crack in the walk. The bar slammed against my sternum and knocked the wind out of me. On top of that, being cold and snowy outside, I had a runny nose and all the snot came shooting out of my nose. It landed all over my lips and mouth. The most embarassing thing is alot of people watched my do it too.
During martial arts training I did a technique involving jumping and spinning 160 in the air with a kick to the head…quite and impressive and exerting technique.
As I put the full effort into putting the kick out a massive snot gets fired out of my nose onto the mat below…as I land (still with plenty of circluar momentum) my foot hits said snot pile and sends me straight onto my ass, flicking the snot up at my surprised, and extremely grossed out, partner.
Something like this happened to me in high school. I was a sophomore, which is the worst for insecurity and general fear and loathing; I was following my friend to our shared locker, which happened to be on the far wall in the cafeteria. It was lunchtime, so the cafeteria was packed, and because of the locker’s location we had to walk through the middle of everybody.
At about the one-third mark of the journey (it’s a big cafeteria), I was in the midst of saying something when I had a no-warning sneeze. I just barely managed to get my hand up to my face, which was a mixed blessing, because I blew about a quarter cup of runny snot into my palm, complete with ropes running from the mass of goo back up my nostrils.
For a split second, I was absolutely paralyzed with terror. I was in the middle of a ruthless herd of teenagers. If they realized what had happened, I would be Snot Boy for months. I could turn and flee, but that would attract attention.
In a rare moment of resolute courage, I steeled myself and proceeded forward, holding my hand to my face but otherwise giving no indication of what was going on.
To give you an idea of how quickly that thought process took to complete, my friend, his attention drawn by my sneeze, was turning his head to look at me, and I went through all of the above before he’d finished his turn. When he did see me, with my hand to my face, he frowned with concern, and said, “What’s wrong?”
And I said, cool and collected except that I was about to piss myself in panic, “Keep walking.”
His eyes widened as he instantly figured out the situation, and he turned forward and marched ahead of me to the locker.
When we arrived, I pushed ahead of him, worked the combo lock with my still-clean hand, and opened the door. I dumped my bookbag into the locker, pulled the top flap open, and yanked out a bunch of homework and other loose pages, which I used as impromptu Kleenex. I had to clean off my hand, and then wipe down my face, trying to appear presentable for the walk back through the cafeteria so I could visit a bathroom. And it was my great fortune that I somehow maintained the presence of mind to use already-graded homework to deposit my mucoid humiliation.
To this day, that horrible near-catastrophe is one of the best examples of loyal friendship I can remember. He was a good guy. Until he turned into a putz later. Well, you know how it is…
Oh, and rolandgunslinger, it may just be the fact that it’s way past my bedtime, but your study hall story made me laugh harder than anything else I’ve seen here in a week.
I recall an incident that took place in my high school cafeteria.
My goofy friend was walking over to our table when an event that could have become a disaster occurred.
He let out a monstrous sneeze, along with two long ropes of shansty snot which I swear to this day were dragging on the floor while still being attached to his nose.
Now while most people would be recoiling in horror at this point. He kept his cool and without missing a beat he, in one fluid movement, drew his head back and sucked the two, three foot long, snot ropes back into his head.
He continued his journey to the table, where a high five and a tissue were waiting.
The most interesting part about this story is the fact that him and me were the only two in the whole place that even noticed.
I remember a ski trip years back with my young niece and nephew. She was about 4, he around 3. I’ll never forget her outside a restaurant, dressed for the cold in a big brown coat and letting loose a tremendous sneeze. I looked back at her and she had two perfect snot stems running down her nose to her lip. They looked like the little pencils you find in a church pew. Her 3 year old brother looked at her, pointed, and excitedly shouted “Walrus!”
I get tonsililoths every now and then… you can press upon the cavity on the upper back of either side of your your mouth and pop them out like a zit if you catch it before it drops natually. They give halitosis a new name.