My wife is in her mid-late 40’s & has been “peri-menopausal” for a while. Lately, she has become very difficult to be around - angry at everything, making poor choices, just an emotional wreck. I can deal with tears & I do actually respond OK (supportive, etc) when she cries; however, she rarely cries around me. What she does most is pick fights with me, blame me for everything under the sun, etc. I do not respond very well to this, having had a lifelong problem with being blamed for things outside my control.
I was remarking about how difficult the weekend was to a friend of mine & was caught off guard when menopause was suggested as a potential source of this seemingly excessive & seemingly unwarranted anger.
So - assuming that (1) I have not overlooked some horrific thing I have done to actually deserve the wrath and (2) assuming she has moved into this period of her life, are there any helpful suggestions from experienced doper husbands that have blazed this trail before me? I don’t want to exclude the helpful doper ladies out there if there are good suggestions to be had - I take help wherever I can find it. (Frankly, asking my wife what would help has not been very helpful).
Kinda like Provo, Utah: never been there, hope to never be there. I’m also going to give a very un-touchy-feely opinion, which most times is unpopular and unwelcome.
I think someone going through such a change should be accorded some latitude, but they are still absolutely positively responsible for their own actions. Giving in or overlooking an instigated fight or three would be a kind thing to do, but overlooking a pattern of such behavior shouldn’t be necessary. I’d go so far to say as it will further enable the problem. Frankly, I’d tell her during one of her calmer moments that I was about through being accommodating, and to please keep that in mind. If she continued, I’d start by ignoring her when she became abusive, and if necessary leaving the room or the house if she persisted.
Hmmm. I’ve been to Provo, Utah, many times. And I’ve had a Menopausal Wife. Still do. But I can’t say it’s responsible for mood swings. There do seem to be mood swingfs related to periods, which become more irregular now, but otherwise are unchanged. You get other interesting effects, like the flashes, but that doesn’t seem to be a major effect. Perhaps I’ve been lucky.
Overall, I think waverly’s advice is good., whether he thinks it un-touchy-feely or not. Avoid confrontations and try not to start them. Leave the room if necessary. Try to make her feel better in the quiet periods and ask her then what might help. You might suggest she talk to her OB/GYN about this if she feels very depressed or excessively angry. Timing in these requests is everything.
Isn’t there anything, medically, that can be done? She sounds like she must be miserable. With all the advances in medical science, she shouldn’t have to suffer like this. Poor lady.
I think that Waverly may have had a good idea when s/he suggested that you just leave the room or the house when she gets hostile. It’s not going to to help the situation for either of you to stand there and argue.
The rest of the approach suggested though, seemed a bit harsh to me. The question that springs to my mind is “What was she like before?” If she’s done a complete turn-around, it’s likely not something she can control and giving her ultimatums is just likely to make her feel more unhappy.
Are you making her feel like she’s still desirable to you? You might want to make special efforts toward this end. Some women start to feel “old” when menopause looms, even if they’re still healthy and vibrant. It can make then feel depressed and unattractive.
It doesn’t have to be sexual. (And truth be told, with her mood, she probably doesn’t want to get frisky anyway.) Buy her some daisies when you’re at the grocery store. Send her a card at work that says “I love you”. Write her a funny little poem about how glad you are to have a person to hog the covers at night, or something like that which reminds her of all the fun you’ve had over the years. Ask her out on a “date” to dinner and a movie. Tell her she looks hot in those jeans. Do something special every day, something small but meanfigful, that shows her you love her.
And you need to talk. I would suggest a very non-confrontational approach. “Honey, I seem to be upsetting you a lot lately. It makes me unhappy to see YOU unhappy. Is there anything I can do?” Deep down, she KNOWS what she’s doing, and she probably despises herself a little for it, which only makes her tension and unhappiness worse.
There are some good books on coping with perimenopause - regular exercise, plain old multi-vitamins, cutting back on simple carbs and emphasizing various omega acids are among the recommended changes, and they’re probably beneficial anyway. Taking care of yourselves together always helps.
This is one of the places where having “safe words” helps. If she is rational enough to do this, and in one of her rational moments, suggest having words for her that mean “I know I’m acting irrationally” and words for you that mean “you are acting irrationally and I’m going to leave for a bit and come back when you hit reality again.”
It may be a relief for her to have something to blame (other than you). You may also want to give her an inanimate object for her to vent at.
She needs to get her hormone levels checked and look at her options for hormone replacement therapy. I was making my husband and myself miserable and there’s no need for it. The patch is the freekin’ greatest invention evah. Ask her to give it some consideration.