When it rains it pours. I thought the day would come that I would stop self-immolating, it doesn’t seem to be anytime soon. How little sense can a stone-cold sober individual make on a boring Friday afternoon? I don’t know, let’s see how deep this stream of conciousness goes…
When I made that little request, I didn’t honestly think it would be addressed. I expected to be shot down like a million times before. But I have the patience of Job in this matter. I will wait lifetimes (if I have any left?) for this matter to be resolved. but the request was answered and granted. How odd is that? Here I am trying to find my focus, trying to “grow up”, trying to stop being me. Unsuccessfully, as I am sure you have guessed.
I have no intention of straying. I have no intention of doing anything right now – I am far too lazy and content in my own misery and dare I say, dogma? I never intended to use the information I had for anything other than my own comfort. Knowing I could doesn’t mean that I would. Am I the only person who ever wanted to have the option? Somehow, I doubt it. You just don’t understand because you don’t walk the same path I do. I never asked you to walk my path, I only asked you to allow me to walk it and trust that when my path divulged from yours, I would tell you in advance. I, unlike you, can see the path ahead clearly. Trust that I will tell you when my path is clearly going a different direction from yours.
What will this post do for me? I don’t know, perhaps clear my mind? Perhaps confuse people who chose to read it. It is somehow freeing to type a bunch of gobbledygook knowing that a few will understand and not respond, many will not understand and respond, some seeking clarification, some simply posting for the sake of posting. Who knows, maybe no one will post? It’s all the same to me today.
I wish I had better impulse control. I don’t. Yeh yeh yeh, I know how to do it, and if I really wanted to, I would work on it as a skill. Why is it that those who can manipulate rarely do, but those who try and usually fail always do? Why is it that I (one of the most selfish people on the friggin planet) care more about your happiness than my own? It makes me happy to see you smile. Hell, my own kids’ joys mean less to me than yours – how does that work? You shit on me and I can’t hate you. You tell me to fuck off and I can’t hate you. I sometimes wonder if I would be smiling that complacent Buddha-smile of mine as you blew my fucking brains out if you ever snapped and killed me? I think I would.
You told me once that you were afraid of me. You were afraid of being near me, because just the closeness of me made you lose yourself. Funny, but the closeness of you completes me. I don’t mean in that stupid “soul-mate, love-of-my-life, I-can’t-live-without-you” bullshit way – I mean, I simply feel more stable knowing where you are and how you are doing. But you are confused. I am sorry for that. Once, I sought closure, now I only seek comfort.
I see what you are doing. I am doing the same thing. But I have the patience of Job. You do not. If I could run away, I would. I would give everything up – you, them, all my earthly possessions, everything and just disappear. But I won’t do it. I know I won’t. I am still trying to be someone else. Someone that society accepts. Someone that someday will be thought of as a good person. Not me, in other words. While you have found focus (it seems), I have not. Nor will I anytime soon, I think. We both know that Into the Ocean speaks to both of us. Damn, that whole album could have been written by one or the other of us, but that song? Yup, that’s it, exactly. I know your take on it, and you’re right. There is a cusp on which we all sit right now, this moment. We cannot go forward, but we cannot go back. If we go forward, we risk what we know we need, if we go back, we lose all that we have. Let’s just stop the earth from turning for now. Let’s just stop the world and sit in silence. Can’t we do that? Just for an hour?
I have written more in the last week than I have in the last 10 years. Will I ever let anyone else see it? I doubt it. It’s so easy to let everyone else believe what they will about me. About us. About it all. Gautam Buddha said “I have told you only this much – the leaves that you see in my hand – but that which I know is as vast as all the leaves in this great forest. It is not that I want to hold it back, but it is simply impossible!” This is how it is. For us, there is thoughtlessness, there is silence, there is seeing, knowing. It is not for others.
You know, I am scared right now. I haven’t told anyone that. I am scared as hell. I see myself blooming into the deadly nightshade and I feel powerless to stop it. No, that’s not quite right, it is not that I am powerless to stop it, I am simply unwilling to do so. I don’t know why. Perhaps I want to know my true self. Perhaps I want others to know my true self. I don’t know why, but I am allowing it to happen. Only time will tell.
Thanks for letting me ramble…I feel so much better.
