Stream of Consciousness

Be warned I’m going to piss and moan like an asshole now so if it annoys you, I understand and urge you not to read this. I’ve got some shit to say and since I don’t know anyone personally who will listen ill post it and at best someone will help me make sense of it. with way i get to purge it and maybe feel better. I also drank rum&coke all day so while I’m no longer drunk, my head hurts and I’ll probably write like shit. again, you were warned. I find it a little alarming I have a hangover without sleeping first.

I’m 33. I was in school for god knows what reason, I mean at 33? what am i going to start a career at 40? dumbest idea ever. I just stopped going this week. I was learning next to nothing, and when i wasn’t bored to death i was being drowned in liberal propaganda. I just got tired of wasting my time working for nothing and I sure as fuck wasn’t going to do that bullshit for another 3+ years, so screw it. Time is the most valuable commodity anyone has and the worst thing to waste.

I Just think it is better to get something going that has the potential to actually make me money instead of costing me.

I took out a loan, still got six thousand left. I know this debt is going to fuck me without lube in the coming years, but what’s done is done. at least i can buy a fairly decent beater car and be able to move out of this shit hole of a city. Or at the very least increase my income. MY current part time retail job pays the rent and buys creature comforts but not much in the way of savings. I’m fortunate that everything i like is cheap.

  I've been drinking often this week i almost never did before i can see how people get into alcoholism now being slightly drunk all day feels warm and comforting in an odd way. been tempted to look for weed but it doesn't make me happy half the time, it makes me paranoid, afraid and depressed its the last thing i need more of. It's a shame i used to really like it. As for the drinking I'm not buying anymore if i do, ill go full alcoholic and I know it. Already drank like 4 bottles this week almost done with number five. 

I doubt i am even capable of having a relationship of any kind and I am positive i would be a shitty parent. I have problems with not paying enough attention to my cat. I know i would be like my parents were: Selfish. too worried about the mundanities of life to take an interest. Me and my sister were financial obligations, nothing more. We barely know anything about them we never talked and still don’t. They aren’t interested in us at all.

My sister is the opposite of me she got the degree nice middle class job, sure she hates the work but she makes the middle class money and can go on vacations, has benefits and all that good stuff. She’s married to a good guy too. He hates my guts but most people do.

People alays laugh when i tell them I’m an asshole, but It’s because they think im being sarcastic or ironic…I’m not. I hate almost everybody and everything.

I work in a convenience store. I hate the customers. complete filth. they have terrible taste in booze, they’re dumb enough to buy lotto tickets, and they always ALWAYS want to have dumb fucking conversations about stupid banal shit like the weather or the fucking sports. FUCK SPORTS. It’s all stupid bullshit that is rigged and controlled to sell the maximum amount of beer commercials…god these people suck. Couple that with the fucking bums everywhere “got a quarter” YEAH I GOT A FUCKING QUARTER YOU ASSHOLE! These fucking scumbags, i have to work at a miserable job where where the people are dumb, my pay is shit and i can’t get more than a few days in a row off without them bugging me to cover some lazy twat who can’t manage to show up for 24 hours per week of work and I am supposed to pick up the slack. I say no most of the time these days, as long as i make my rent and expenses i don’t care.

The only thing that keeps me going is my plan. Get my damn license, buy a car, get better employment and improve my fucking lot. and eventually leave the city and go back to small town living. This city sucks big dick for free. Maybe then ill be less tired. More motivated to work on my real ambitions, but now I’m too overwhelmed by it all. It takes effort to get out of bed. Even when I’m not hungover it takes hours to wake up splash some water and get it moving.

But I always do. I haven’t been drunk at work or in public I can hold onto that small dignity as pathetic as that is.
And that’s the last thing i Live in Buffalo, NY. If you’re thinkign of moving here…DON’T. This place is a complete dumpster fire. There’s bums everywhere, the job market is utter shit and the public transport is abysmal. This city is so full of shit I keep hearing that “city on the rise” propaganda. City on the rise MY ASS. Call me crazy but building a few tourist traps in the hipster neighborhoods doesn’t change the fact that no one with any sense wants to bring money here because the taxes are ludicrous and will only rise over time. More and more jobs leave this area every year and now you’re pretty much resigned to soul crushing retail where you work every single holiday and deal with the scum of the earth, or be a temp working in some sweatshop where it is likely not even your supervisor speaks english, busting your ass for little more than you would get paid to stand in font of a register all day.

There’s more but whatever I’ve whined enough. I just wish someone would have the fucking balls to say: “Yes, its fucked up man.” instead of always trying to shove this cornball optimism down my throat. Im in prision. I’ve got a way out but it is going to take FOREVER. or maybe a few months. but the way i feel now…it may as well be a decade.

I’m also insane apparently. I once had a transsexual doctor tell me i have a personality disorder…I am not bullshitting you. I swear my life is a monty pyhton sketch sometimes.

someone get me some tylenol.

You are living the movie Clerks. :wink:

Seriously, though, you seem like you are suffering from depression. There are meds for that, if you get yourself diagnosed properly.

TL;DR, but I usually listen to John’s advice. Seek help; that’s why they’re there.

Why rum and coke of all things?

You don’t say.

Which one?

Sucks to be you. But you already know that.

Do one positive thing. No matter how small. Like your license, for example. When you finish with that, do another, then another, then another… pretty soon, you’ll be shuffling out of Buffalo.

Don’t ignore your cat. Sounds like it’s the only friend you’ve got right now and you could use all the friends you can get.

Not going to wish you luck because what you need most is momentum… and Paxil.

That was the saddest part, somehow.

At lat it wasn’t diet coke!

[big fat one right down the middle, going ohhh sooo slowww…]

The man who says words in the wrong order?

Ah, drunk posting. A little cathartic, though I prefer to be stoned.