Stupid half.com seller - I pit you and your head made of dildojuice

[Seven]

I bought a piece of memory for my old laptop on half.com. 64mg, 10 bucks. 2 bucks shipping. Nothing major.

I ordered it Nov 27th. It was due to arrive around Dec 8th. By Dec 14th it still hadn’t arrived so I contacted the seller.

“Hey dude. Whatup with the memory?”*

“Sorry dude. I haven’t shipped it yet. School and stuff. Been busy.”

“BUMMMMMMERS. Well dude, get with the program”

“Ok dude, I’ll ship it tomorrow”

Today, the 18th, there was an envelope in the mail from TX. My wife hands it to me and says “You don’t think that guy was dumb enough to mail the memory in a regular, unpadded, paper envelope?”

You know when you were a kid and you did rubbings with crayons over something like a twig or a leaf or your younger brothers face? I looked at the envelope and noticed a very nice rubbing of a stick of memory.

It came out very nice.

I paid $2 for shipping. The postage on the envelope: .37 cents.

I thought perhaps it will still work. I opened the envelope, carefully straightened the bend from the memory and popped it in the laptop.

“bleeep-bleeep-bleeeeep, BLEEEEEEEEEEP!”

No boot.

What the hell was he thinking? If it arrives damaged he’ll get bad feedback, a returned stick of damaged memory and I’ll get a refund from half.

I guess that’s the problem with places like ebay and half.com. You end up doing business with stupid dildoheaded fuck-nuggets.

*The email exchange wasn’t really in surfer-speak.

[Guinastasia]

Damn, what an asshole!

On the other hand, ‘dildojuice’ is fucking genius.

[racinchikki]

Dildojuice?

[Chimpy]

@racinchikki

Dildojuice?

The stuff you wipe of a dildo afterwards, I guess.

[Seven]

I don’t know what dildojuice is. It sounded good and it seems there’s always a market for creative expletives.

[Contrapuntal]

@Chimpy

The stuff you wipe of a dildo afterwards, I guess.

You people wipe off your dildos? Crimeny. Next you’ll be telling me you wash your underwear more than once a week.

[Enginerd]

Underwear?

[Miller]

I used to wear underwear, but the gnome infestations were just getting out of hand.

[Seven]

Phase 1: Dildojuice
Phase 2: ?
Phase 3: Profit!

[Shagnasty]

A lot of the more expensive dildos these days come with a juice extractor so you don’t have a lot of it flying all over the place. Just dump out the little container and you are done. Voila.

[Contrapuntal]

@Shagnasty

A lot of the more expensive dildos these days come with a juice extractor so you don’t have a lot of it flying all over the place. Just dump out the little container and you are done. Voila.

**DUMP IT OUT? ** Man that’s pure gold there. I normally don’t like to say anything about somebody’s mama but *somebody * sure screwed up *somewhere along the line * if you are dumping out dildo juice. Barbarian!

[Spongemom]

I don’t know anything about half.com, but I would suggest taking a picture of the (bent, did you say?) memory card and sending it to whoever runs the place, and let them know that this particular seller is a puddle of dildojuice.

[danceswithcats]

Hey Guin maybe we can produce a line of absorbent rings that look kinda like the ruffly things girls put on their ponytails, except it helps maintain a safe and secure grip on one’s dildo. Designer colors, celebrity endorsements-whaddaya think?

Dildojuice Rings™. Made in Pennsylvania, because we care about sextoy safety.

[peri]

Spoojies?

[Yamirskoonir]

Once upon a time on this erotic short story site I frequent, I came across a recipe for making your own dildojuice™ at home. I guess there’s a big market out there for “ejaculating” dildoes, and this one guy wanted his “spunk” to be more realistic. :eek:

[yBeayf]

Next you’ll be telling me you wash your underwear more than once a week.

I do wash my underwear only once a week.

I change it, however, every day, so that no pair is worn for more than 24 hours.

[Seven]

It seems I was premature about calling this throbbing glob of ear infection pus names and saying he has a head full of dildojuice.

It seems I am the one to blame in this whole affair.

Here is part of what I sent him after I received the memory.

I received the memory today. I wish you had used the $2 I paid for shipping to place the memory in something other then a paper envelope. The memory arrived damaged and non-working.

But this Draino Enema had the sense to set me straight. His reply went like this:

I checked the memory before I mailed it to you and the problem is almost for certain that whatever laptop you are using is not compatible with the type of memory I sent you. It is important to look at the bus speed of your computer or else the memory will not work. I did place the memory in a static proof plastic. The memory worked before I sent it to you and you did not pay for insurance.

Oh, I see.

Yes, it is true the laptop is older and perhaps not up to date enough to accept Ultra High Tech 1337 Damag3d m3m0ry. I am just a stupid user not bright enough to know the proper way to install a stick of BENT memory.

God damn me. How could I be so stupid.

Thank you half.com seller, you slippery puddle of peepshow spooge, for setting me right in this matter.

[Hey_It_s_That_Guy]

@Seven

It seems I was premature about calling this throbbing glob of ear infection pus names and saying he has a head full of dildojuice.

It seems I am the one to blame in this whole affair.

Here is part of what I sent him after I received the memory.

But this Draino Enema had the sense to set me straight. His reply went like this:

Oh, I see.

Yes, it is true the laptop is older and perhaps not up to date enough to accept Ultra High Tech 1337 Damag3d m3m0ry. I am just a stupid user not bright enough to know the proper way to install a stick of BENT memory.

God damn me. How could I be so stupid.

Thank you half.com seller, you slippery puddle of peepshow spooge, for setting me right in this matter.

I totally feel your pain. He could have at least sent it via First Class mail in a padded envelope for around $1.85–that is what you paid for, after all. I’d leave a negative feedback… but then again, those kinds of jerks almost always retaliate with a negative against you, so it all depends how you feel about those. I am getting so sick of the assholes on eBay (usually buyers), I’m considering taking a long hiatus.

[Seven]

You bet I left negative feedback AND filed a claim with half.

[Madd_Maxx]

@danceswithcats

Dildojuice Rings™. Made in Pennsylvania, because we care about sextoy safety.

I say we get some of the local Amish to make them. Great craftsmanship and all, and who wouldn’t trust the Amish to make top quality Dildojuice Rings™? Plus it’s not exactly farming season, and they could use a few bucks in the “off-season.” Just remember not to tell them exactly what it’s for.