I am starting to see that stuttering is only a part of the issue. Yes, few of my friends often bring in their girlfriends every once in while. It is not like I see them every day or even every weekend. I do feel like I need to go out more often though.
I’m going to go against what seem to be popular opinion here. I do think it’s a great idea to join meet-up groups and meet PEOPLE and maybe a woman. I also think it’s a good idea to improve yourself and get to really like yourself. You’re 23, so you have time, but you’re 23, so you want romance (I assume.)
I do NOT think it’s a good idea to send more messages, and I’ll stick to that. If you like that approach, skip OLD sites like Match and go on tinder.
Here are what a few of my friends (all women) who’ve done OLD said when I asked last night:
“Oh, my God, READ their profiles. Mention something from the profile so they know [you read it]. I could always tell when a guy sent a form letter to lots of women. Ugh. It’s like telemarketing. No thanks.”
“Don’t go by looks alone. Some women don’t photograph well, and some photoshop.”
“Don’t say the same thing to everyone. We can tell.”
“Make sure your profile is real. I hate when guys use fake lines like they want someone to walk on the beach at sunset with and they live like 500 miles from a beach. It’s like someone told them women like walks on the beach at sunset so they threw that in.”
“Don’t be a pen-pal. I like to meet guys after the first couple of messages. Either there’s chemistry, or there isn’t.”
One of my friends in college had the worst stutter imaginable. Nonetheless he had a girlfriend, married her and they are still married getting on to 60 years later. More surprising is that he spent his entire career as a college professor! That takes guts. He simply did not let his stutter interfere with his life. If a girl cannot adjust to your stutter, just look elsewhere. You will find one.
Are there any women in your circle that are not someone’s girlfriend? If a couple is part of the social circle, that counts–but if you know that if they break up, you’ll never see the girl again, she’s not in your circle.
I dated a man for over two years who had a stutter. I was neither his first nor his last girlfriend.
Let me be honest here - yes, some people will think less of you, but those aren’t the people you need to be concerned about. You need to start/continue interacting with the vast majority of people who won’t think less of you. Plenty of women will date you even with the stutter. A lot won’t care much about it. The stutter will almost certainly matter more to you than to other people most of the time. There’s women willing to marry and have a family with a man who stutters.
But if you don’t put yourself out there and talk to them you’ll never meet them.
Is it scary?
Sure.
But you can do it.
(I met him when I started Irish social dancing… because I wanted to meet people. He taught me how to do the dances and we really hit it off well.)
When you put it like that, I don’t have any women in my circle. Of course, I have facebook and Instagram friends (females) but I don’t see them every day or even weeks and months. Would you suggest joining a club or some type of activity to meet women?
I’m addressing this to my fellow posters because the OP has an answer (often unreasonable) for everything directed at him.
I may be off base with this, but does anyone else think the OP is possibly in denial about being interested in men (which is perfectly fine!). I’m trying to be as delicate as possible and hope that he’s able to accept his preference if it’s true.
He hasn’t shown any real interest in women, except to find a girlfriend.
He doesn’t feel comfortable around them, supposedly due his stuttering (which thankfully he’s being to accept is only one part of his dilemma)
He doesn’t socialize much, perhaps to keep others from judging him.
He doesn’t know how to conduct a conversation with them, even via email. Understandably difficult if there’s no real attraction to them.
He’s concerned that others his age are getting married (confirming their hetrosexuality)
He has a certain reputation with his friends, who may have noticed and accepted his preference for men.
If you’re in agreement with my assessment, please help him accept his choice.
I’d rather not second-guess anyone’s sexual preference, and I’d never try to get someone to accept a choice *I’ve *decided he’s made.
I am most certainly not attracted to men. I don’t know where on earth you got this in your head. I would really appreciated if you would just STOP replying to my post.
I think you need to learn how stuttering affect people mentally and emotionally. Try watching King’s Speech. I am sorry if I was a little rude in my last post.
I would recommend joining activities to meet a wider variety of people and then developing friendships with women you have no interest in dating–like, too old, already married, not attractive to you. Right now, you are talking about “girls” like alien creatures. You’re talking like you can’t see what you and a girl would even talk about: this is why you don’t know what to message them on a dating site. Being friends with some women will help you be more comfortable talking to women you might want to date, and will make you more likely to be someone women will want to date. Because right now you sound like you have no idea how a relationship even works. This is not about the stutter.
It may be somewhat cultural–if English is your second language, do you come from a culture with extreme gender segregation (men and women live largely separate lives)? If so, most girls you meet are going to have very different expectations.
I’ve run into quite a few men over the years who are heterosexual and fit that description.
Uh… wow. Seriously? You don’t understand how having a problem that impacts your ability to communicate with other people can impact your social comfort? Nothing “supposedly” about it - some people really do treat people who stutter like crap, or mentally deficient, or likewise objectionable. Doesn’t happen all the time, but it doesn’t have to before it starts impacting a person, and then that person has to take on the risk of rejection that’s part of the dating game…?
The OP probably doesn’t feel comfortable around strangers of either gender at times, but he came here asking specifically about his interactions with women.
Lack of socializing is actually pretty common about people who stutter or have other communication difficulties.
He has trouble starting conversations and writing e-mails, and based on that he’s gay? Really? You think all heterosexual men are born eloquent or something? “How to conduct a conversation” with anyone is a learned skill, and it’s hardly surprising that some young men struggle with it. Not to mention upthread a woman chimed in with how other men screw it up when initiating conversations with women, so it’s hardly just the OP or just closeted gay men who have problems with this.
I think you’re reading WAAAAAY too much into this, and also disregarding (or are ignorant of) just how much stuttering can impact a person socially.
Well, a huge chunk of my life is spent alone and in isolation. That might be a reason why I don’t know how a relationship works. Last year, I wasn’t comfortable talking to people due to stuttering but as I am growing older I am starting to feel more and more okay with myself. It has been a good year in a sense that I am finally starting to feel okay with myself.
Also, I do indeed come from a culture where there might be some gender segregation. However, my youth and teenage years are spent in North American society and I myself don’t quite practice the culture or traditions that were once practiced by my father and mother. As a severe stutterer, I have created my own prison. I took an easy way out! It was tough for me to still live my life regardless of my stutter. So, I created my own world where there was no one beside myself. I created a very wicked perception of this world, which was completely rubbish in nature. But as I am growing older, I am starting to realize that I can no longer be in my own prison. I am only wasting my life!